86 Rules For Being A Man
1.
Don't call. EVER.
2.
If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it
out by herself.
3.
Lie.
4.
Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as
"spike"
5. If
you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them that you mailed it
to them/already gave it to them.
6.
Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7.
Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
8.
Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
9.
Lie.
10.
Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11.
Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People
will think you have no penis.
12.
Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13.
If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic
words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14.
TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15.
Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
16.
One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will
then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up
on
her.
17.
Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18.
Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out,
and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19.
Lie.
20.
Deny everything. Everything.
21.
If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female
friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all
of
them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22.
Don't have a clue.
23.
If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24.
No means yes.
25.
Yes means no.
26.
If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get
sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27.
If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
28.
Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the
end of a relationship.
29.
Feelings? What feelings?
30.
Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either
pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31.
Lie I tell you!!
32.
DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and
must make a decision, stall. If you still must come
up
with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question:
"Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer:
"Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33.
Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
34.
At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.
(If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a
replica
of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
35.
Lie.
36.
"Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don’t even think about saying it.
37.
A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5
minutes, it's really not worth it.
38.
Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again.
Repeat cycle.
39.
Lie.
40.
Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41.
If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42.
Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like
your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43.
Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44.
It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45.
Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
46.
Lie.
47.
Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't
know.
48.
Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't
know.
49.
If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This
is the desired reaction.
50.
You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51.
You are male, therefore you are superior.
52.
Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have
sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53.
Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
54.
Don't ever notice anything.
55.
If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything.
Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love
with
YOU, and then tell her.
56.
Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57.
Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58.
Lie.
59.
If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done
nothing wrong.
60.
Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry
about, anyway?
61.
If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't
know."
62.
Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63.
Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.. . MARTY
64.
Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase
and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65.
If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot
right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so
be
it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship
your skills.
66.
Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud,
laugh heartily.
67.
Lie.
68.
If anyone asks you for a favor-
a) make a big deal about how hard it is
for you to do it,
b) remind them of this huge favor you've done
for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69.
69
70.
If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you,
pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you,
casually
ask, "is something wrong?"
71.
Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again,
but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at
me,
so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72.
Lie.
73.
If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how
many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled
on
the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on
his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
75.
If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has
no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the
one
who wanted to end the relationship.
76.
The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
77.
Default facial expression: blank stare.
78.
Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then,
whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out
of
your ass.
79.
If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your
manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go
ahead
and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it
and continuously ask questions on how to do
each
little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the
most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I
TOLD
you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do
things.
80.
Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies.
81.
Beer. Then more beer.
82.
One word: FOOTBALL!
83.
Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of
the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
84.
Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
85.
LIE.
86. Admit nothing. Deny everything. Make counter accusations.