I expected worse.
	When my tired eyes stubbornly pried themselves open to view the Tokyo
morning shine into my hotel, I had expected to feel the post-traumatic
stress of a merciless alcohol onslaught; expected the sharp daggers of 
sunshine to lacerate my corneas; expected the desire to hide under my bed.  
But no, I had sake. The hang-over would not come.
	And I felt cheated.
	Alas, the day had finally arrived.  I would be meeting the Sailor
Scouts, arguably the greatest ensemble of young, female superheroes
wearing short skirts to ever fight the Negaverse. It had been my dream
since I was a teen to meet these five girls who changed the world, and it
was the sole reason why I became a journalist in the first place. When,
finally one day, word came down the pipe that I had the world exclusive
to scoop the scouts, I had to scraped off the ceiling like some curious
stain. In fact, I couldn't sleep for a fortnight, even though I cut down
my coffee to a mere 15 per day.  I fantasized about Sailor Mars.  I
fantasized about Sailor Mercury. I fantasized about...oh, I give up; I
fantasized about them all-- at the same time. 
	Leaving my hotel, I took a detour, avoiding the massive city
re-construction after a recent Godzilla rampage, and arrived at the Sushi
Bistro, located at the corner of two nameless streets in Tokyo's
downtown.  Most Japanese would know place to which I refer; it was right
across from the pachinko parlor next to an electronics store. Not likely
that there many corners resembling this one, ne? 
	The five girls sat at a window table, waving to me as I stepped
in. I was nervous.  What did you expect? I looked at them, grinned, and,
when they politely offered, I sat next them.  There was Mina and Amy
beside me, and Serena, Raye, and Lita before me. Although I just picked
up the menu, I already knew I was in the mood for sashimi. 

	(side note:  for those who have spent the past few years
traveling in a time machine with Doctor Who, the Scouts publicly
disclosed their civilian identities, deciding to devote themselves full
time to fighting crime and getting lucrative movie deals). 

        I decided to start my interview with the initial trio of Sailors
Moon, Mars, and Mercury (shortened to SM, SM, and SM respectively).

	Unlike many popular superhero teams, The Scouts have no single
leader.  "We have submerged our individual egos into the will of the
group,"  explained Raye, wearing a candy red mini-skirt which I admired
from under the table. She uncrossed her legs then re-crossed them before
continuing. "It's though each of us in our own certain ways is the
leader. The only one who thinks she is the actual leader is Serena. But
then she's a fool who doesn't know what's going on anyway." 
       Raye, as she is known in civilian life, has a slap-fetish whenever
Serena is around (but then who wouldn't?) and is considered a fiery
little devil.  She is also a mystic, utilizing her talismans to destroy
demons; although she tried this on Serena, it regrettably didn't work. 
Raye was at one time a temporary member of the X-men, filling in for
Phoenix when she was on maternity leave.
      "It was a nice break, though, from wearing those high heels.  I 
have to see a chiropractor because it's affected my back." 
      I wondered why she hasn't changed to more sensible Negaverse combat
gear. 
      "Give up my heels?  Wouldn't look good, besides." 
      In Chicago, they call Sailor Mars with a soft 's' ("Marce").  Raye
was more than miffed. "If I hear them mangle my name like that one more
time, I'll...roast more than their marshmallows and keep the fire
department busy for the next ten years." 

      Unexpectedly, the wasabi flared up through my nose.  I recovered
sufficiently to ask about the absence of other Scouts, especially Sailor
Pluto. Was she a goth girl and an avid Sisters of Mercy fan? 
      "Maybe, but she, like the others, is just a pigment of the
imagination," Raye grinned. 
      It was all a Bandai merchandising scam." Lita, another Scout with
back pains but for different reasons, piped in. "There was so many Scouts
that finally when all the transformations scenes took place the show'd be
over." 
	Lita, her assumed name since I assume it's her name, is the
muscle of the group.  She is rumoured to have killed more than a few
former classmates at a previous school (students have been expelled for
less), probably because they all inexplicably reminded her of her
ex-boyfriend.  She is very graceful; she has a very feminine way of
knocking you senseless; she'll gently twist your arm, and caress you with
blasts of lightning.

       "I'm the nice girl of the group," she said sweetly. "And if you
don't think so, I'll mash yer face into tomato paste!"
	Lita is the tallest of the five, and I would call her an amazon,
but that would imply that she practised that peculiar form of
self-mutilation, unlikely as she was--quite obviously--still endowed. 
When I stopped staring at her chest, I continued my questioning. 
       She has been named as the official mascot for Greenpeace.  What
was it like to be a spokesperson for environmental issues?
       Lita shrugged her shoulders with a grunt.  "Dunno." 

       Serena, who is giggly, lazy, and completely useless, is probably
the whiniest sap who makes the likes of C-ko hang her head in shame. She
pines and whines about boys, namely Darien, whom she is destined to join
in marriage much to his chagrin. In his super-hero guise as Tuxedo Mask,
he is a fop who throws delicate roses (as a weapon) from his swishy cape. 
I asked her about Tuxedo's absence from this interview. 
       "Um, you didn't invite him, remember?" Serena spoke with a voice
that could be described as sensual, but not by me. Her voice has a unique
shrill which is equivalent to a the sound of a whale barfing. 
       I continued with Tuxedo Mask, who hasn't been appearing around the
Scouts lately. 
       "When Raye here stupidly fired her fireball--" 
       "That's not it, Serena!" Raye interrupted.  "If you hadn't tripped
and bumped into me..." 
       "Anyway, Raye burned half of his face off. So now he wears a
larger mask, and hides in the dark basement of the local theatre,
shouting things like "Resist no longer!" and playing with his organ. 
       Serena seemed non-chalant about the fate of her husband-to-be.
       "Well, that's all changed 'cause I found out he was a perv," she
said with a sigh. "I mean, he's more than a few years older than me. And
he lives alone. One day I found his collections of Nurse Angel and
Wedding Peach mangas." 
       And then you decided it was over?
       "No.  I realized we were through when I caught him...caught him. 
God, I..." Serena started to break down. "It was when I caught him...
wearing Hello Kitty pyjamas. Oh, it was horrible!" 

       At this point, the waitress came by to see if everything was all
right, ignoring Serena.  I ordered some more honourable green tea, which
I had found to be quite potent.  I discreetly begged the waitress to sell
me a nickel bag of the stuff. Amy overheard and giggled before whispering
into my ear. 

	Sailor Moon is a good but useless fighter.  She throws one mean
tiara and even manages to hit the target once in a while. Her
obstentatious speeches about justice and being very specific upon whom
she refers, can momentarily put her foes off balance, causing them to
laugh hysterically as she once again recites her tired pap, giving her
the opportunity to run away and let Sailor Jupiter clean up.  Sailor Moon
is definitely a better wand waver, but then again... 
	Speaking of silly magic devices, I asked about the newest
addition that her true mother, Queen Serenity, although dead for some
time, still managed to drop in her daughter's lap at the most convenient
moment. 
       "I had just finished playing the lead in the live action version
of Devil Hunter Yohko when we were attacked by the Dickie Dee Ice Cream
Man.  He had us completely confused with his vast selection of treats
when my mother appeared and passed on the Moon Purse.  I shouted
'Moon...Purse...  SWING!!!' and smacked my foes with its pink, simulated
leather. It's really cool especially if the bad guy is, y'know, a guy.  I
cram their hands into it and when they feel some unmentionables they flee
in terror." 
       So Sailor Moon once again saved the day?
       "Uh, no actually," Serena admitted. "Skuld appeared out of nowhere 
to consume the Ice Cream Man's weapon supply."
       Skuld?
       "She's the goddess of the future though she really belongs to
another series.  Anyway, she and Amy sat on the bicycle-cart and shared a
Dingbat(tm). Our foe was defeated."
       Her guardian (and personal critic) is a black cat named Luna. She
is currently staying at the Betty Ford Clinic, overcoming her catnip
dependency. 
       "I'm glad she's away. She always makes me feel like the fourth
house in a Chinese neighbourhood," Serena sighed. 

       Angelic Amy is the smartest and prettiest of the Scouts (this, of
course, is an impartial observation) and has a very passive power in the
form of Mercury Soap Bubbles that are, in fact, quite useless--but that's
okay; she's a lot of fun in the bath. 
	During a two year hiatus from the Sailor Scouts, Amy became a
huge singer, Ami (no last name). Amy had been trained by the most
prestigious vocal schools ever to be found on the backs of matchbook
covers. What set her apart from all the other
women-singers-with-only-one-name like Madonna, Bjork, Cher, Bowie... 
       "Talent? Seriously, I don't know. My back-up band used to be
called Metallica, so maybe it's the way I sing their songs, over a
predominate piano arrangement. Did you know, James Hetfield is one
excellent piano player?" 
       This had continued for a few years until Amy quit for personal
reasons and when her backup band dumped her and continued to tour, still
under the name 'Ami'.
       "I decided that being a chartered accountant would be more
fulfilling and, of course, exciting." 
       I licked my chopsticks.  Amy winked back. 

       Mysterious Mina is an enigma.  She spent a few years in London
where she fought crime under the nym of Sailor V.  In her spare time she
tried picking up English school boys at a local Fish n' chip shop. The
boys were delighted, especially since they were unaccustomed to seeing a
blonde Japanese girl (it is a little known fact outside of Japan that
there are a fair number blondes, red-, blue-, and green-heads in Japan;
they almost never emigrate and rarely appear on TV).  Was there any guys
that Mina liked? 
	"Dunno. All caucasians look alike to me." 

       I wrapped my arm around Amy's waist while she reciprocated with a
pat on my knee before holding my hand. 

       It was after successfully vanquishing the Negaverse Mad Cow

Disease Plot, that Mina and Artemis decided that time was to move on to
Japan. Truth was, Artemis was forced to skip town to avoid all those
paternity suits. 
       It wasn't until she accidently--and co-incidentally--ran into the
others that they decided to become Sailor Scouts. And the rest, they say,
is algebra. 

	I asked about Zoicite, once married to the Late Kurt Cobain, who
had appeared as a villain on the show. 
	"Zoicite's real bitter," ventured Mina. "He was only contracted
for 10 episodes, though they promised more originally. I think DiC cut
the number down because they were afraid of public opinion.  Most people
think he killed his husband, but his lawyer, Malachite, pulled the Sexual
Orientation Cardian; the jury just *had* to acquit him. 
       "He thinks 'Zoy!' is a cool catchphrase that will take America by
storm.  Don't laugh--isn't everybody saying d'oh! these days?" 

       I put forth the question of the future and the Scouts role in it. 
       Serena was first to speak.  "I'm gonna retire in a few years while
I still look in a Sailor Suit.  I mean, imagine me as an old crone
touring the Vegas circuit? Eww." She made a gagging motion. "Then again,
Raye should've retired years ago!" 
       "Are you calling me an old bag?" flamed Raye. "At least I've
looked good while you NEVER did." 

       As the two fought and Mina and Lita placed their bets, Amy and I
discreetly left the restaurant together.  It was an incredible interview
which had left me with the anticipation of greater adventures to come.  I
knew I wouldn't be disappointed.
 
       As for the other four Scouts, who knows?



END