I've gotten together some wise words,puns,poems and jokes for you to laugh (or groan!) at

"YOUR FUTURE DEPENDS ON YOUR DREAMS"
So go to sleep, there should be a better way to start a day 
than waking up every morning.
"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
"HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYBODY"
But why take the risk (I don't want to be an exception!)
"WORK FASCINATES ME"
I can look at it for hours.
"GOD MADE RELATIVES"
Thank God we can choose our friends.
"I LIVE IN A VERY LIBERAL TOWN."
They just changed the name of a street from "LOVER'S LANE" to
"SEX DRIVE"
"WHEN 2'S COMPANY."
Three's the result.
"A DRESS IS LIKE A BARBED FENCE"
It protects the premises without restricting the view.
"BEING SEXY IS A HARD JOB"
But somebody's got to do it.
"LOVE IS PHOTOGENIC"
It needs darkness to develop.
"A GOOD DISCUSSION IS LIKE A MINISKIRT."
Short enough to pertain interest and
long enough to cover the subject."
"CHILDREN IN BACKSEATS CAUSE ACCIDENTS."
Accidents in backseats cause children.
"A GIRL IS LIKE A ROAD."
The more curves she has the more dangerous she is.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.


     A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick
 in the butt.
     Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you 
 can't be promoted.
     It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you 
 say you've done and what you're going to do.
     After any salary raise, you will have less money at the 
 end of the month than you did before.
     The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are 
 going to get.
     You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and 
 carry a clipboard.
     Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and 
 nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
     When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they 
 are never talking about themselves...
     If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
 No use being a fool about it.
     There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of
 your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
     Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
     Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
     Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of 
 a dinner hour.
     To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
     Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the 
 work he/she is supposed to be doing.
     Important letters that contain no errors will develop 
 errors in the mail.
     If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If 
 you are really good, you will get out of it.
     You are always doing something marginal when the boss 
 drops by your desk.
     People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
     If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
     At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional  to the number of pens that person is carrying.
     When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
     Following the rules will not get the job done.
     Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the  rules.
     When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it
 more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the
 Lone Ranger handle this?"
     No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
     The last person that quit or was fired will be held  responsible for everything that goes wrong.

 And finally,some jokes:
 What did the monkey say to the cat?
 ...Nuthin,cos monkeys can't talk!
 What did the cat say to the monkey?
 ...I can talk but you can't!!!
 It's a talking cat!
 (I think we're meant to laugh?)
 Why did the chicken cross the road?
 ...The first side was boring.
 DUH??? 

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