667 – Neighbor of the Beast 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door A day without sunshine is like…night A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a cash advance All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done Allow me to introduce myselves Always remember you’re unique just like everyone else Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy Ambivalent? Well, yes and no… And your crybaby, whiny-ass opinion would be…? Ask me about my vow of silence Atheism is a non-prophet organization Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. –Dorothy Be nice to your kids…they will pick out your nursing home Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away-and barefoot Better living through denial Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Boldly going nowhere Bondage is knot for everyone Born free, taxed to death Borrow money only from pessimists…they don’t expect it back Buckle Up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of our car Bumper Sticker Chaos, panic & disorder…my work here is done Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Consciousness: that annoying time between naps Cover me, I’m changing lanes Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired Denial works for me Depression is merely anger without enthusiam Despite the high cost of living, it’s still extremely popular Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons-for you are crunchy and good with ketchup Does your train of thought have a caboose? Don’t believe everything you think Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after Don’t drink & drive. You might hit a bump & spill your drink Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me! Don’t steal-the government hates competition Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen Don’t piss me off-I’m running out of places to hide the bodies Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines! Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends Eat right & exercise: Die anyway Editing is a rewording activity Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Eve was framed! Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Everyone has a photographic memory-some just don’t have film Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts Few women admit their age, few men act theirs Finish your beer…there are sober people in China! Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park Friends help you move-real friends help you move bodies Get in-Sit down-Shut up-Hold on! Give me ambiguity or give me something else God must love stupid people…he made SO many Good Girls go to Heaven; bad girls go everywhere Good Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from Poor Judgement Grow your own dope; plant a man Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional Guys have feelings too. But, like…who cares? Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Having abandoned my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy. He who laughs last thinks slowest! He’s not dead-he’s electroencephalographically challenged Here I am. Now what were your other two wishes? Hey guys-Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one. HONK if you love peace & quiet I am not a bitch, I’m THE bitch…and it’s Miss Bitch to you! I bet I can stop gambling I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! I dress this way to bother you I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe I found Jesus; he was behind the sofa the whole time I hate plants so I became a vegetarian I have PLENTY of talent and vision. I just don’t care I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on disk somewhere I intend to live forever-so far, so good! I just got lost in thought, it was unfamiliar territory I keep missing my ex, but my aim is getting better I need somebody really bad…are you really bad? I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public I started with nothing and have most of it left I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck I took a pain pill, why are you still here? I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out I wasn’t born a bitch, men like you made me this way I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges I’ll try being nicer, if you’ll try being smarter I’m already visualizing the DUCT TAPE over your mouth I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body I’m not tense…just terribly, terribly alert I’m only driving this way to make you mad I’m really easy to get along with, once you people learn to worship me I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention I’m talking to myself…please don’t eavesdrop! I’m the man of this house and I have my wife’s permission to say so If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off! If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap, and easy! If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before! If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings” Internal Revenue Service: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got Invest in America: Buy a congressman Is it time for your medication or mine? It’s as bad as you think, and they are out to get you. It’s lonely at the top but you eat better It’s not a beer gut, it’s a liquid grain storage facility! It’s not testosterone, it’s estrogen poisoning! I’ve run out of sick days, so I’m calling in dead Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite Jesus paid for our sins, now, let’s get our money’s worth Join the boycott: Ban Bumper Stickers Keep honking while I reload Keep the Earth clean…it’s not Uranus! Life isn’t like a box of chocolates…it’s more like a jar of jalapenos-what you do today might burn your butt tomorrow! Light travels faster than sound, that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak Lead me not into temptation…I can find it myself LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math Love your enemies-it really gets them confused Madness takes its toll-please have exact change Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot Make yourself at home…clean my kitchen Minds are like parachutes…they only function when OPEN Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life My Karma ran over my Dogma My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely My mind wandered…and never came back My other car is a broom My reality check bounced Next mood swing…6 minutes Nobody’s perfect-I’m a nobody Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the first time Oh, sure…but what’s the speed of DARK? On the other hand, you have different fingers One of us is thinking about sex…okay, it’s me Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? Outhouses happen Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe Practice safe sex…go fuck yourself Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Proud parent of a student who has graduated and left home! Put more FUN in dysFUNctional Reality is for people who lack imagination Remember, half the people you know are below average Remember…pillage first. THEN burn. Rumors of my demise are greatly exaggerated Santa is jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live Save the whales-collect the whole set Save your breath, you’ll need it to blow up your date Sex on television can’t hurt you…unless you fall off She’s always late, her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower SMILE! It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them Some people just don’t know how to drive. I call these people “everybody but me.” Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet Suburbia: where they tear out the trees then name the streets after them Support your local undertaker…DROP DEAD That’s a face only a mother could love (and she’s having trouble) The beatings will continue until morale improves The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese The only trouble with Baptists is they don’t hold them under long enough The proctologist called, they found your head The witch of the west was framed There’s too much blood in my caffeine system They are not hot flashes…they are power surges Things haven’t been the same since that house fell on my sister This would be really funny, if it weren’t happening to me Time is what keeps everything from happening at once Try not to let your mind wander…it is too small and fragile to be out by itself Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut Today’s subliminal message is: ( ) Too many freaks, not enough circuses Two wrongs are only the beginning Vampires Suck Vegetarian: primitive word for lousy hunter Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship Watch out for the idiot behind me We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? Well, this day was a total waste of makeup! What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Where there’s a will…I want to be in it Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.” Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Who me? I just wander from room to room Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort you can be impossible? Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? Why take life so seriously? It isn’t permanent. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition You are depriving some poor village of its idiot! You have the right to remain silent…anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted Your village called…they miss their idiot! You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me Done with these, take me home I want to read some jokes! Bad lawyer jokes, just a click away Deep (Shallow) Thoughts