For years being a bartender I've heard lots of Jokes so here are some that was sent to me thru e-mail by my crazy friend Denz from MSN chat..ENJOY!!
When I was in Jr.. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for a long
time. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's
habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes
to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she
would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning.
He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to
see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would
laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop,
he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one
Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the
family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of
course, a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the
wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin
on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked
upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then
gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the
turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the
covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud
ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The
wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled
on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally
gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to
keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen
to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of
these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and
these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his
shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know
who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so hegoes
around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the
window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts
to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken
can stick it's head out and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes.
She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just
unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've
seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up
the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her
side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful.
I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye
bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too
personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to Nordstrom and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents the young man sealed the package sent to his sweetheart with the
following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears short ones
that are easier to remove." "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she
looked really smart." "I wish I was there to put them on you for the first
time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have
a chance to see you again." "When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.
*Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
*Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper
*Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
*You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
*I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
*Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
*(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.
*Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
*"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
*On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire
erformance.
*A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
*Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
*In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good
food into shit.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.
*Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food...please aim properly.
*Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
*While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've one one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left. You look left and it reads:
Look Right You look right and it reads:
Look Left...
*Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on
the ceiling.
