ARE YOU A LOSER AT LOVE?


Please answer honestly no matter how painful the truth may be.
Remember, you have no protection under the fifth amendment.


Each question requires a simple "yes" or "no" response.
For each "yes" , please add the appropriate number of points.


  1. You are reading this book because:
    1. You bought it for yourself. (3 points)
    2. Someone bought it FOR you. (5 points)
    3. You didn't buy it. You are currently reading it while standing in the bookstore aisle for lack of anything better to do. (10 points)
  2. Do you always carry lip balm? (1 point)
  3. Do you always carry breath mints or gum? (2 points)
  4. Are you always being offered breath mints or gum? (5 points)
  5. Do you answer the phone, "Hi mom, I was just thinking about you!" (5points)
  6. You do not know if your answering machine works because:
    1. You are always at home to answer the phone. (3 points)
    2. No one ever calls you. (5 points)
  7. Have you ever answered a personal ad? (2 points)
  8. Have you ever placed a personal ad? (8 points)
  9. Has your mother ever answered or placed a personal ad on your behalf? (10 points)
  10. Have you ever bought a date at a bachelor/bachelorette auction? (5 points)
  11. Have you ever bought a date at a dimly lit street corner? (10 points)
  12. Have you ever tried to sell yourself at an auction? (6 points)
    Were you bought by:
    1. A friend? (1 point)
    2. A sibling? (3 points)
    3. Your mother? (10 points)
  13. Did you, or are you planning to have your 30th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese? (15 points)
  14. Do you plan your weekend around re-runs of "Star Trek:The Next Generation"? (10 points)
  15. Do you talk to obscene phone callers? (5 points)
  16. Do your vacation pictures consist of scenery and close-ups of your face taken at arms
  17. Have you contemplated plastic surgery? (1 point)
  18. Have you had plastic surgery and still can't get a date? (10 points)
  19. Have you ever gone out on a blind date set up by:
    1. A friend. (1 point)
    2. A Personal ad. (3 points)
    3. A matchmaking service. (5 points)
    4. Your mother. (8 points)
    5. Your mother's friend. (10 points)
  20. Your plans for a typical Saturday night include:
    1. Going to work. (2 points)
    2. Renting a movie and ordering a pizza. (3 points)
    3. Renting a movie and ordering two pizzas. (5 points)
    4. Watching "Saturday Night Live". (7 points)
    5. Doing your laundry. (8 points)
    6. Having your mother do your laundry. (10 points)
    7. Cleaning out your closets. (12 points)
    8. Talking to your Psychic Network friend or "Julie" the Time-Life Operator.(5 points)
  21. Your usual dinner companion is:
    1. Nobody. (1 point)
    2. Dan Rather. (3 points)
    3. Your Teddy Bear. (7 points)
  22. Your usual bed time companion is:
    1. Sexy, enticing, human, alive and consenting. (-10 points)
    2. No one. (3 points)
    3. Your remote control or other battery operated device. (4 points)
    4. Your Teddy Bear. (5 points)
    5. Your dog or cat. (8 points)
    6. Your mother. (STOP QUIZ! Take out gun. Place barrel in mouth. Pull trigger.)
  23. Your laugh can best be described as:
    1. A snort. (2 points)
    2. A gas leak. (3 points)
    3. A hippo gasping for breath. (5 points)
    4. An ear shattering cackle. (8 points)
    5. Polite. (10 points)
    6. You never laugh. (15 points)
  24. On New Year's Eve you:
    1. Go to a party and actually have fun. (-2 points)
    2. Go to a party, but do NOT have fun. (3 points)
    3. Go to sleep at 12:01 am. (5 points)
    4. Go to sleep at 11:59 pm or earlier. (10 points)
  25. You joined a health club to:
    1. Meet people. (2 points)
    2. Gawk at the kind of bodies you can never hope to touch. (5 points)
    3. Get in shape. (-2 points)
  26. Have you ever gone out alone to:
    1. Dinner. (2 points)
    2. A movie. (5 points)
    3. Dinner AND a movie. (10 points)
  27. You are currently living:
    1. Alone. (2 points)
    2. Within five miles of your parents or other family members. (5 points)
    3. In your parents' basement or attic. (10 points)
    4. With your parents, in your childhood bedroom. (20 points)
  28. Your bedroom is clean:
    1. All the time. (0 points)
    2. Only when you are expecting company. (2 points)
    3. Never. ( No one ever visits you). (5 points)
    4. Only after your mom cleans it for you. (10 points)
  29. You have made attempts to meet people by:
    1. Going to bookstores, coffee houses, or supermarkets. (3 points)
    2. Going to a singles' dance. (5 points)
    3. Taking a night course at the local Community college. (7 points)
    4. Going to an AA meeting. (10 points)
    5. Spontaneously joining in on public demonstrations. (15 points)
    6. Pulling your car to the side of a busy highway and lifting the hood. (20 points)
For having absolutely nothing better to do than take this quiz, give yourself a 20 point loser bonus.


RATINGS

IF YOU SCORED 0 POINTS
You are not only a loser, you are a liar !! See section on loser in denial.

1-35 POINTS
You are obviously far superior to your fellow man . You have good self esteem, a healthy attitude and are secretly despised by losers everywhere. You have something losers can only dream about having - a life.

36-60 POINTS
You are a borderline loser. You have no friends since non-losers and losers alike shun you. Don't give up hope! You are so close to being a full-fledged loser that a blood transfusion from a donor you find at the laundromat on a Saturday night should be enough to put you over the top.

61-150 POINTS
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are a typical, average, run-of-the-mill, everyday, ordinary, garden-variety, no-doubt-about-it- loser. Of course we're not telling you anything you didn't already know. You are most eligible to apply for membership in the International Losers Club.

151-299 POINTS
Sorry, but you are what is known as an "over-qualified loser" . Please accept our heartfelt sympathy. You are so pathetic that (aside from your immediate family) only clergymen and big-hearted losers associate with you. Consider assisted suicide. Do NOT under any circumstances attempt to commit suicide on your own.

300 POINTS AND ABOVE
You are SUCH a loser, you cannot be a mere mortal. You are to losers what Yoda is to Jedis.


POST TEST COUNSELING

If you scored in the range of loser or something worse, don't despair! False positive results have been known to occur. You may have falsely scored too highly if you are a nun or priest, Buddhist monk living in isolation, or vegetative nursing home patient. If one of these exemptions applies to you, rest assured, you are not a loser, you just live like one.

If you scored below loser status it doesn't mean you're out of the woods yet. If you know in your heart that you are truly a loser, you're probably right.
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