Sex Drive
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90
percent....Wedding cake!!!
Quickie
Did you hear about the
lesbian who took Viagra? She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a
week!
Prostitution House: Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads 'Sisters Of Mercy House Of
Prostitution - 10 Miles'. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination
and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says
Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution - 5 Miles', and realizes that these
signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying 'Sisters Of Mercy House Of
Prostitution Next Right', his curiosity takes over, and he pulls into the
driveway. On the far side of the parking lot there is a somber stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading 'Sisters Of Mercy.' He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. A nun wearing a long black habit answers the door.
She asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers,"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business".
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The
nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He
does as he is told. This door is answered by another nun who is wearing a long
habit. She is holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the
parking lot, facing another small sign 'Go In Peace. You Have Just Been
Screwed By The Sisters Of Mercy.'
Viagra
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three
girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need
something to keep me horny and potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, takes
out a bottle of Viagra, and says, "Here, if you take these, you'll go nuts for
12 hours."
The guy replies, "Gimme three boxes!"
The next day, the man walks into the pharmacy, finds the same pharmacist,
and pulls down his pants to reveal his member all black and blue, with skin
hanging off in some places. "Gimme a bottle of Ben-Gay," he says.
"Ben-Gay?!?" the pharmacist shouts. "You're not going to put Ben-Gay on
that, are you?"
"No," the man says. "It's for my wrists. The girls never showed up."
A BIG Dick
The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down
to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said, "Well he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She replied, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did
not have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he did not have
that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?'"
"The marine said he only had $25. So I told him 'For $25 all I can give you
is a hand job'" He agreed; and after getting the finances straight, he pulled
it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one."She
paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand
above the second hand...."
"Oh my God!" the others all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what
did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!"
Parrot Problem
A woman was thinking about getting a pet to help keep her company at home. She
decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work
as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the
store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such
a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said,"Listen I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a whorehouse, and sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff".
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird. She bought
it anyway. She took the bird home and hung the cage in the living room and
waited for it to say something. The bird looked around and said "New house,
new madam." The woman was a bit shocked but then thought "That wasn't so bad."
A couple of hours later the woman's two daughters came home from school.
When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said. "New house, new
Madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but
then began to laugh about the situation. A few hours later the woman's husband
came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam,
new girls, same old faces. Hi George!"
Enlarged
A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says,"Honey, now
that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe
so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.
And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a
picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next
to my heart forever!"
She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says,
"Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too. Would
you open your robe so I can have a look?"
He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.
And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!"
The Grill
A man and his wife are doing yard work when the man says to his wife, "your
rear end is as wide as the grill."
The wife ignores the remark.
A little while later, the man takes his measuring tape and measures the grill,
then measures his wife's rear as she is bent over working in the flower bed.
Once again the man says, "sheeesh, it really is as wide as the grill."
Later that night in bed, the man starts feeling frisky and makes advances on
his wife and she says, "if you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one
little wiener, your sadly mistaken."
Raggot the Gerbil
Actually from the LA Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to
retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns
Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew
"Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching
session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained."As usual, Kiki shouted out
"Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he
wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking
the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital
spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of
intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair
and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second
degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum
suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal
tract.
The Condom
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers
back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Hard Peckers
An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which
state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had
a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was
able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in
awe. The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in
Texas that no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan
woodpecker express confidence that he could do it. After flying to Texas and
sucessfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out
why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan
woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck
the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion that your
pecker is always harder when you're away from home". ;-)
Xmas Fantasy
Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It
was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White
ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top
of the tree was the *perfect* penis."
Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."
She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas
tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented
and unscented... and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy."
She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"
He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"
Auction Fantasy
Mrs. Smith woke up from what at first appeared to be an uneventful night's
sleep. She told her husband,"I had a strange dream last night."
Mr. Smith asked,"What was your dream?"
She began,"Well, I was at an auction...only the auctioneer was auctioning off
penises. Big ones were ten dollars and small ones were 5 dollars."
Mr. Smith asked,"How much was one like mine?"
Mrs. Smith replied,"Those were given away for free."
Mr. Smith said,"Well, this is gonna seem strange but I had a strange dream too
last night."
Mrs. Smith replied,"Tell me about it."
He began,"Well, I too dreamed I was attending an auction in which the
auctioneer was auctioning off vaginas. Little ones were ten dollars and big
ones were 5 dollars."
"How about one like mine?"
"That's where the auction was held!"
"Stationary"
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he
had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the
small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the
counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm
girl. He asked "Do you keep stationary ?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can ... until the last few minutes, then I just go
plain wild."
Vaseline
A telemarketer was taking a survey. He told the woman on the line,"I represent
a number of vaseline companies and we're doing a survey of the many uses of
vaseline in the home. Would you mind taking a few moments and telling me how
youuse our product?"
She said, "We use it for cuts, dry skin, chapped lips and sex."
The marketer undaunted pushed on, "Uh, would you mind explaining how you use it
for sex ?"
She sez, "Simple. I put it on the door-knob -- it keeps the kids out of the
room."
Ain't Nobody Sleeping Around
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The
father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said,"Son, even on this
gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; So let's
go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his
father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some
old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turned to his father and said,"Father, it is not AIDS you are
dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"
The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys
sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."
Wrinkles
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer
lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer, says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go
put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through
that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this
back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out
wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do
you like it?" she asks.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
A Bad End
The lawyer approached the witness and said,"So your husband woke you up that
morning and said, and I quote,"Where am I Cathy?"
"That is correct."
"And would you tell the court why you were upset?"
"Because my name is Susan."
Minsk
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople
did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000
rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got
the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots
of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow
and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their
milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the
pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved
to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow
moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do.
After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all
day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left
and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we
do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow
from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
What Only A Man Can Do...
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his
eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck
right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said,
"I'm going to make a...well...unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well,
it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent
man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now,
I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
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