1) Hi. This is John:
 If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
 If you are my parents, please send money.
 If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
 If you are my friends, you owe me money.
 If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money

2)  Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
 

3)  "Hi! John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets."
 

4) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
 
 
5) (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is
in vain. The bell hath sounded.  Thou must leave a message.
 

6)  "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need
their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone
service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you."

 
7) The College Special.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.

 
8) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave
*sexy* message, I call sooner!
 

9) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at
   home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
   Otherwise, we probably aren't home
   and it's safe to leave us a message."
 
 
10)  "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
 

11)  "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.  Thank you."

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