3.20.2004
I guess there's no real reason for me to be writing this. It not like anyone is gonna read it. i know alot of people that have their own personal blogs or websites and stuff (I guess they give their urls out but thats kinda weird i think, "here's my website, check out my innermost feelings! *wink*) i don't know,... i guess tho that typing this stuff down does make someone feel better. I usually keep my feelings to myself, well not really, its something like that but i guess it to crazy to explain and too boring to read. Today was weird. I went out and took some pictures for my art class. I think i did i good job, i'd really like to have my own camera and dark room and stuff, it'd be cool to play around with that stuff. There was a guy that came up to me and my brother asking to wash my car. I got defensive at first, i didn't say anything but its interesting how inside there's this "spidey sense" mechanism that goes off in your head when you unexpectedly meet people like that. I gave him three dollars and talked to him a bit. While i was walking away my brother was talking about how bad it was that the YMCA charged 10 bucks for a shower (the guy needed money for a shower, i prolly could have given him closer to 5 or 6 bucks but i didn't want to take out my wallet siince i had 4 crisp 20's from the atm that i had visited 5 min before and it wasn't like he had any change, and if he saw the money it would have been hard for me not to give him most of it.) my brother was saying, "the guy's down on his luck,and you gotta charge him for a shower?!" and i was thinking how young he still is. I'm only two years older then him, but everyday i see that just two years can make a world of difference in wisdom and experience. He didn't realize that maybe this guy wasn't gonna use the money for a shower. I hear about people taking homeless people to buy a meal when the ask for money. This guy was asking for a shower, I thought that was pretty clever of him if he was lying. But looking back he was a well spoken man, and probably truly down on his luck. I heard somewhere that like 90% of all homeless people are recently layed off workers. Looking back at the way i acted , i think i did a good thing tho. I was respectful, i even think i called him "sir' whenever i adressed him, he said god bless you and i said the same in return. He was on a bike, and we saw him ride past us a few minutes later, he told us to have a good day and we responded in turn. That relieved me in a way. He was gonna wash my car, and i lied saying i walked there, which i did, our car was about three blocks away tho, i don't know i guess i over analyze myself sometimes. i just hope that the man finds a shower, and finds someone that can help him get back on his feet. I felt bad, thinking if maybe my money was gonna go to some vice of his, but i hope it was put to good use.
We drove back home when we were done. i was gonna run like i've been doing. So far my mile in hovering around the 6'30'' range and my 3 mile around the 21'29'' range. I wanna get faster tho. I got sick and that slowed me down, it hard enuff to run, let alone when you feel like crap. but i didn't run, instead i tried to go to the movies. tried the key word here. i wanted to go see dawn of the dead. i wanted to go see i with my brother. apparantly i need to be 21 to buy two R-rated tickets. WTF!!!! i dunno, the restriction they put on kids are weird. Yea i think for soemthings they are good, but they need to be more common sense rules. I mean, if my brother is only two years younger than me, and i am of age to see the movie, don't you think that is better than some 30 year old mom watching the same movie with her 4 5 year old son? i eman come on, whose the one that's more likely gonna suffer mental damage my bro or the 5 year old kid?! and its not like you haven't seen some weirdos bringing their kids to see some movie too graphic even for the parents! So anyway, i go back home and my bro is mad(he on the other hand doesn't hold his emotions in, any of them)but my mom suggests that we go to blockbuster and rent som movies. a good idea i think, so we hop in the car and go. i spend at least 20 min in that stupid place looking for a movie.i wanted to rent spike lee's movie about malcom X but they didn't have it (yea that makes me wonder about the town i live in you can't rent a malcom X movie, they had one, but it was a documntary, not spike's version which is great by the way, a real eye opener, i used to think he a just some whacko militant but after that movie man, someimtes i wish he was still alive, i think he was smarter than any civil rights leader, and we could use him today.) so instead i pick up the "virgin suicides" i heard it was good (i know yo thinking, malcom X, virgin suicides, those two movies don't mix man, yea well i'm pretty eclectic, you should see my mp3 collection got everything from willie nelson to tupac,pete yorn to kanye west,ravell to louis armstrong,the vandals to ella fitzgerald, but that's for another day)and the guy asks for my card, naturally i don't have it since i was to stupid to ask my mom for it, i remembered i didn't have it in the car but i was half way to the store by then. he said i had to be 18 to rent w/o a card. again WTF!!!! what difference does it make whether i have a damn card or not! ok i'm seventeen rent the movie with my parents who have thier card, i go home and i watch it. now i'm eighteen, i rent the movie without a card, i got home and watch it. What stays the same... i still get to see the damn move!!! so after that i go back home thinking," this is horrible, this is why kids my age are going places getting drunk getting high, basically sneaking around. You know what these rules do! they teach kids to sneak around at an early age. people aren't stupid they'll find ways to beat the system. and if you just gave kids something to do, let'm rent a movie for crying out loud, let'm in at the theater, please! give'm somethign to do. i swear to you, half of the kids are getting wasted cuz they need love, but alot are doing it out of boredom. they have nothing better to do but get wasted. if you at least gave them some honest alternative things could be different. I don't know maybe things wouldn't change, but at least i'd get to watch my movie.
4.12.04"Ayyyyy! la vida da tantas vueltas, no dejes que te atrape!" I would put other quotes here but for safety reasons i won't. You never know who's reading this even tho that person probably doesn't remember the website or didn't notice the URL. Anyways, among the other quotes, that one pretty much sums up my life these past few weeks. You know, you think for a second that you got it all figured out, everything's great; then shit happens. Everything's gone to hell; then (what the hell) "it rains". Here's something to think about; you never know where you life will take you. You have no way of knowing what the next day will bring. Someone can come up to you and tell you that something is going to happen, and you wouldn't believe them. It's the shit that makes life exciting, makes it interesting. Another piece of advice, if there's something that you've been meaning to do, meaning to say, just do it, just say it. Go. Live life. Don't wait around cuz you never know what might happen. I know its hard for some people, its pretty much against my nature to do anything (Hell, it took me ten minutes to get the nerve to call someone up! Ten minutes! I don't know what my problem is man, but just my luck when i called the machine picked up, so i had to gather the nerve to call a second time. Its really pathetic)Life is all about experiences, and what you do with what you learned. Right now I'm going through a truly unique experience. Ok what the hell, she's not gonna see it right? And if she does then it was meant to happen. See there's this girl. (What else could it be?) She's one of the most interesting, coolest people i've ever met. She's smart, great to talk to and hang out with. She's a free spirit, my day is brighter when i talk to her. Man, you see, i recently got out of a relationship. Long distance, long story. but its weird feeling this way again, its like getting on some new amusement park ride. It still got the basic concept to it, a little different, new ,exciting.But see, this girl has a boyfriend. Yea, i know. Its weird too, cuz if circumstances had been different we might have been friends him and I, i'm just guessing but i think about stupid shit like that. Anyway, their relationship is changing, its sorta kinda broken off but not really. Meanwhile I'm over here flirtn' up a storm with this girl and looking back that's my mistake. I should have backed off, but then maybe not. You see, i can see where her seeing me can make things awkward for her. She doesn't want to hurt him, which is understandable, but deep down, i also think she doesn't want our relationship( whatever it is) to be the unofficial reason for the breakup. See our thing ends up looking bad on her, which really isn't fair. On my side tho, this pus me in limbo. I can't read her, i don't know if holding her hand for too long is inappropriate, or hugging her (other than when we say goodbye) is out of line, and don't get me started on the time i've debated on whether to kiss her or not. You see, I have feelings for her, but i also don't want to make things complicated (too late i guess).Man if only i knew what she was thinking.
8.24.04To whom it may concern, "Excuse me? What was that? Wait, a minute I thought we were all friends here. Most importantly, I thought you were her friend. You know what, this stops here. She has too much class and restraint to say anything, but you know what, i don't. (i'm the asshole.) She has been too good and too quiet all this time. That was backhanded,immature, and insensitive. I understand that alot of things have gone on, and alot of emotions were involved, and there needs to be a time for things to be said and emotions to be let out, but that time stops ...right, now! (I think she even said that this poor girl gets passed onto everybody else, but that stops here, with me. She will not be your little whipping girl anymore.) And she has to work with you, and she still wants your friendship, but me, i personally don't care what you think about me, so that's why i'm saying this because it desperately needs to be said. Mealtime for the wolves, is over. And if you want another bite, here i am, ready to eat, but leave the poor girl alone." "Just ask yourself this, if you had been with her and the same thing had happened, would you had stood up for her?"