Ok, some of these are more one-liners than jokes, and may just belong on my quotes page, but that's full, so, well, deal with it!
Sex is like snow... you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.
A young boy had just gotten his driver's license. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could again discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study, where he said "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and studied your bible diligently, but you haven't cut your hair yet." The young man waited a minute, then replied "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus did." To which his father replied "And they all had something else in common... they walked everywhere they went!"
Three drunk cowboys are sitting around a fire. After taking a swig from his bottle, the first cowboy stands up and begins to boast. "Last week, I stole myself a horse, and rode into Dodge City. I climbed off my stolen horse, walked into the toughest bar in town, and punched out the bartender. Then I unloaded my six shooter into the piano player, drank a bottle of whiskey, and rode out of town on my stolen horse." He then stood silently and stared at the other two cowboys. After a couple of minutes, the second cowboy stood up, and began to boast. "Well, yesterday I stole myself a wagon, went storming into Dodge City, and walked on into the toughest bar in town. As I walked in, I shot the bartender and piano player, then unloaded the rest of my bullets into four strangers. Before I left, I drank a bottle of whiskey, and kidnapped two of the ugliest whores in the joint." He then stood silently and stared at the other two cowboys. After a few minutes passed, the first two stared at the third cowboy. Unlike them, he just sat there quietly, stirring the coals of the fire with his penis.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this hour" he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Are you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was very drunk. "Hi there" slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?" "No! Get lost! It's half past 3, I was in bed!" the man says, and slams the door shut. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on our way to pick up the kids from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door for help? What would've happened if he had told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk" replies the husband. "It doesn't matter" answers the wife. "He needs our help and it's the right thing to do to help him out." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes back downstairs. He opens the door, and, not being able to see the stranger, calls out "Hey, do you still need a push?" He hears a voice cry out "Yeay please." So, still being unable to see the man, he calls back "Where are you?" To this, the stranger replies "I'm over here, on your swingset."
A woman I was dating decided that breaking up with me wasn't enough, she sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. I then did the only logical thing, sent them to her dad.
I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sounds they make as they go flying by.
I have a photographic memory. Unfortunately, I can't find film for it.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 15... 1 to hold the bulb, and the others to drink whiskey until the room starts spinning.
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