Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to...
I used to be with it, then they changed what it was. Now, what was it, isn't it, and what is it, is weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you to. - Grampa Simpson
Once a cool thing has been done, it can never be undone.
Can't talk, must eat. - Homer Simpson
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun. - Homer Simpson
If life is not a game, then how come there are so many players?
Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time, and you annoy the pig.
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small amounts of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and then observed them. They noted that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessivly without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.
The lone turkey's last stand.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning, that's the best they're gonna feel all day.
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.
Always check for ferrets before sitting.
A friend is someone that knows all about you, yet likes you anyways.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown too?
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming like the other people in his car...
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Some artists achieve immortality through their work, I prefer to achieve mine through not dying...
Apathy is going to be the downfall of America, but who cares...
Everyone must sacrifice to the alter of stupidity from time to time. -- Albert Einstein
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix... everyone knows that power tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
The thing is not to think of death as an end, but to think of it as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. --Woody Allen
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think, and getting out of the way before it's understood.
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. --Albert Einstein
Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.