The Jokes!!
Key:
- For all ages
- Some unsuitable-for-young-children bits
- 12 and over
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing.
That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway? " Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
>> Question <<
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?>> Answer <<
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construction were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
So there we have the secret to Alien Space travel!
I hope you enjoyed the trip.
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other guy replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it.
He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 60...70... 80...90...100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Cat Bathing Is A Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
There were three brothers, Fuck Off, Manners and Trouble. Trouble went missing so Fuck Off and Manners went to the Police Station. Manners was feeling nervous to stayed out while Fuck Off went inside. Fuck Off spoke to the person at the reception.
"I'm reporting a missing person" Fuck Off said.
"What's your name" replied the person at the desk.
"Fuck Off"
"WHAT?"
"Fuck Off"
"Where's your manners?"
"Outside"
"Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes I am!!"
There were these three fleas on a woman's body and they met up around the navel. They were discussing what part of a woman's body is the best to visit. The first one says,
"I reckon that the best part to visit is the wobbly mountains (breasts)". The second one said,
"I reckon that the best part to visit is the rainforest (pubic hair)". The third one said,
"I reckon that the best part to visit is the valley (bum cheeks)". They all have different opinions so they decide to split up, go to their fave parts and meet up again in a month to report back. So they split up and a month later, meet up again around the navel. The first one says,
"I didn't like the wobbly mountains, they were too wobbly". The second one says,
"I didn't like the rainforest, it's too wet". The third one says,
"I didn't like the valley. Three bears just chased me out of it!!"
A Catholic, a Mormon and an Arab were playing golf and bragging about their families.
The Catholic boasted that he had 4 kids, his wife was pregnant and soon he would have his own basketball team.
The Mormon replied "That's nothing, we have 10 kids. One more and I'll have a football team!!!
"You guys have no vision" declared the Arab. "I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have my own golf course!"
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the Devil!"
Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so!"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself."
"Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life."
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "...and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?"
God, at the beginning of time created heaven and earth. Earth was still an empty waste, and darkness hung over the deep; but already, over its waters, stirred the breath of God. Unfortunately God had had a skinfull the night before and consumed the holy Madras, which made his breath equal to that of a Badger's arse. Then God said, Let there be light, and the light began. God saw the light, and found it good, and he divided the spheres of light and darkness; the light he called bed-time, and the darkness beer-time. So evening came, the morning, and one day passed. God said, too, Let a solid vault arise amid the waters, to keep these waters apart from those; a vault by which God would separate the waters which were beneath it from the waters above it; and so it was done. The vault God called Sky. So evening came, and morning, and a second day passed.
And now God said, Let the waters below the vault collect in one place to make dry land appear. And so it was done; the dry land God called Earth, and the water, where it had collected, he called the Sea. All this God saw, and found it good. Let the earth, he said, yield grasses that grow and seed, and which can be smoked till the Sky and Sea become one and the same; fruit-trees too, each giving fruit of its own kind, and so propagating itself on earth. And so it was done. And God saw it, and found it good. So evening came, and morning, and the third day passed.
Next, God said, Let there be luminaries in the vault of the sky, to divide the spheres of bed-time and beer-time and to give measures of time, to mark out the day and the year. And so it was done.
Then on the fourth day, God realised that all this was boring him and so he came it upon himself to make things a little more interesting. And so, being the magnificent, he did take a lump of plastic and mould it so, into the shape of a straight banana with a hole in the middle. And this he did call a canoe, but although good and holy, it had no place on his earth yet. God saw that this canoe would need places to go, and low, with all his magnificence, he did pull up mountains and push-down the valleys, and thus the river was created. Not being the perfectionist that he thought he was, he didst forget to smooth the river bed and thus the white water was born. And upon this, the canoe did bob and weave and God saw that it was good and holy, and even a little scary. So evening came, and morning, and the fourth day passed.
On the fifth, God did think to himself, "I could really do with someone sitting in that canoe", and so man was made, in God's own image. Man and woman both, he created them, even though ultimately he made the man stronger and the women more irritating. God placed the man and the woman into the holy canoes, and told them the paddle fourth. Soon after he did realise they did actually need a paddle to do this but low it was too late. The man and the woman swam. So God did kit the pair out with spray deck, paddle, wet suit and buoyancy aid and in doing so, nearly broke the his holy bloody bank account. Yet again, he told the pair to go fourth and paddle, and now they could, as they did now have a paddle. And thus by the evening, God saw that everything was good, and the fifth day passed.
The next day, God had heard word from the man and the woman that although the canoeing was good and holy, they were bored in the night time. And thus God created the beer and the lager and saw that both were good and alcoholic. And thus God gave these liquid refreshments to the man and the woman and told them to drink and be merry. And that evening, the man and the woman drank and were merry and ended up copping off with one another. And God saw this, and the man and the woman called him a pervert and a sicko and thus in rage, God did make the lager lenses for which he knew the man and the woman would regret it in the morning. And so the evening fell and room did spin, and vomit was seen for the very first time. Thus ended the sixth day.
The seventh day began around 3.30 in the afternoon, as the man and the woman had BIG hangovers. And so God did create the aspirin which he did call Anadin Extra and did proclaim it to be able to knock a migraine off a Rhino. The man and the woman did take these and asked the lord "what is a rhino?", and God explained that he also had a skin full last night and had invented all sorts of wierd and peculiar shit........ such as hikers! And God and the man both agreed that beer was good and holy, even if it did make you behave like an arse. And the man said to God, "We need a place of worship and prayer, where we may go to convalesce our souls and give thanks to the all-mighty", and God made it so and didst call it the Pub. Whilst he was at it, he also created the beautiful games Pool and Darts, and did degree that no woman would ever be good at either. Then God and the man went into the pub and got pissed again, leaving the woman with some knitting.
THE END
Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive those who stop our Next card
And lead us not into Jane Norman
And deliver us from Warehouse
For thine is the Naf Naf, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity
AMEX
Our beer
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the local
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine-tasting
And deliver us from Alcopops
For mine is the bitter
The ale and the lager
Forever and ever
BARMEN
accesses to this page since the 18th of July, 1998, according to Geocities