Jokes

Let's have a few Laughs with the Giggling Gargoyle

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons --I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: [click]

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

"Evils of Liquor?..."

Sister Mary Francis wanted to teach her 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class, observe closely the worms," said the nun putting one worm first into the water and the other worm into the glass of whisky.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. But the second worm, the one put into the whiskey, writhed painfully. The poor creature quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

Sister Mary Francis then asked: "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?"

Johnny, remembering what his dearly departed father had told him, waved his arm excitedly.

"Yes, Johnny?" said Sister Mary Francis.

The boy wisely responded: "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest just before the dawn, so if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

10.Into every life some rain must fall (usually when your car windows are down).

11.Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

12.When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

13.This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

14.It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15.Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16.This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

17.Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.

Author Unknown or too ashamed to claim his/her work. :-)

Thoughts

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, just never got around to it.

Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

(a 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the hospital.

(a 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, weredriving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and a half,they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death.

(a 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

(a 4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding, "He was really drunk."

(a 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,and Randy Taylor, 33 died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

(a 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

(a 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

(a 8) RENTON,Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt,as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1.. The target was H Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2.. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3.. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4.. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

Extreme Bumper Stickers
========================

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a b*tch. Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Other Notes:
===========

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Clones are people two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM.

Jesus saves, passes to Moses: shoots, SCORES!

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the Law.

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording experience.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy,

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

The Spoon I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil - at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye,I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask."Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked,"Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much less 30 minutes, employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key.
Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.

Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE

No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.

Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS

If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.

Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS

Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.

Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS

Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.

Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES

No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)

Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING

The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.

Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES

Don't use them. Use plastic and you won't have to.

Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)

This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.

Time: 3 seconds

SECRET TIP 10: IRONING

If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair,use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.

Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING

Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.

Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING

The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.

Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING

Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.

Time: 0

SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS

Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.

Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 15:

If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

Rules for Cats who have a House to Run...

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table,one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

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