My Mind
I am living here in my small life, in my small town, with my small friends. I don’t fit in in this small world, where my mind is so very big. No one here is like me, although if they were I don’t know if I would be happy either. No one cares. They say they care but they don’t. It’s been building up inside of me for a long time. I have no one to tell, so I push it aside, and I push the world aside. Even if they did care, they wouldn’t understand. It’s too above them. But would I even want them to understand?
I like to claim what’s in my mind as mine, and not share it with anyone else. It’s the one thing in life I can have completely to myself. But what if I want to share it and nobody wants to hear it? My mind is then useless. If I want to share it, but nobody is interested, is there any value to it at all?
The people I used to think care see me crying and walk on past. They hesitate; maybe they want to say something. But they are afraid. They are afraid of that weird creature that no one can understand.
What does crying do? What does anything do? Nothing ever happens unless something happens. And what’s going to happen when you sit at home by yourself all the time. But do you really want something to happen? Maybe something happening will be a bad thing. But do you want to live in fear of something bad happening, and lock yourself up your entire life? Is there actually a solution?
I read to take my mind out of my life and into someone else’s. It’s a good temporarily relief, but do I really want to waste my life living in someone else’s mind? I know good things are coming for me, but should I sit around and wait for them? I can’t think of anything realistic I want to do until then.
I am preparing my life for my future. But if I spend my whole life preparing when do I know that I have achieved what I have been working so hard for and when do I quit preparing? Or do I just spend my whole life preparing? Preparing for my death.
So if I could change something to make me happy, what would I change? Nothing. This must be how it was meant to be. I am as happy as I could possibly ever be, but yet I’m still sad. So very sad.
Is anyone in this world truly happy? What is happiness? Everyone says do this, do that, go here, go there and you will be happy. But if people are always telling us how to be happy will we ever actually be truly happy or will we just believe we are happy because we have followed the steps to get there.
If you lock yourself up for an entire year, will you be intellectually behind? Or does your mind mature with age as does your body. Or will all the thinking push you ahead. What is learning? Sitting in a room listening, remembering something for a week and then forgetting about it forever? Is learning having as many different experiences as you can so you know how to handle any situation. Again, preparing yourself, preparing yourself only for death.
If the eventual ending is inevitably death is there any point in even living? Or is there any point in trying to be happy, or trying to be anything at all. Everyone, no matter how successful, rich, poor, happy, or sad, is going to have the exact same outcome in life. Death.
We all have the same future so are we all equal? Or are the people that leave something behind for others higher? Material possessions are nothing. Knowledge is what counts. But the people you are leaving the knowledge behind for will eventually die as well. Another lost cause? Is life in general a lost cause? If your mind is the only thing you will ever have to yourself is it something you really want to pass on? Do you want to be remembered for something? You won’t be here to see it happen, so what’s the point?
Is it my small world that is so horrible, or my small life, or my small friends? It’s my big mind.
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