How To Cope With Monday Night Football
                          by:  Tracy Cartwright

Is there anyone reading this who does not spend Monday nights
with Al Michaels, Dan Deirdorf, Frank Gifford, Don Meredith, or ---
well, you get my drift.  I've made some observations of the different
effects this social trend has had on men and women.  Of course, since
I'm female, I know a little more about how women react.  

Usually, at some point, most young women try to impress their boyfriend
by trying to learn about football.  Like everyone else, I tried that,
too.  I have a good friend who has played football all his life, so I
asked him to teach me about the game.  To begin with, one team kicks
the ball to the other team.  That didn't make any sense.  Why did they
give the ball to the other team?  It seems like they would want to
keep the ball once they got it.  Not only that, but when they did get
the football, they tried to get it to the other team's goal!  From the
moment the first team gave the ball to the second team, until the
moment the second team got it back to the first team's goal, there was
a mass of confusion over words like downs, blitz, shotgun, clipping,
sacking, and unnecessary roughness.  The last one--I understood.
After a long, frustrating effort on my friend's part, I finally
understood why...... Women use Monday nights for housework, hobbies, 
crafts, or anything, to get away from football!!!
Of course, there are exceptions.  I do have some girl friends that
understand, and even play football.  How they do it, I'll never know.

Then there are the guys.  I think they fall into two basic categories:
Enthusiasts and FANATICS!!!!  Enthusiasts are the ones who turn the
station over just in time to catch the game.  They may actually leave 
their chair at some point in the game.  Somewhere around halftime, you 
are likely to find them sound asleep, and the only thing that will 
rouse them is the click of the channel being changed.
  
On the other hand, the Fanatics leave work early to warm their 
television sets.  They watch the pre-game, the pre-pre-game, the
half-time, and the after game shows.  These men know every name of
every player, of every team, and what position they play, or have ever
played.  Some physical characteristics of fanatics are glassy eyes
and temporary paralysis. I feel sorry for any woman or girl who
unknowingly gets one of these guys.  I have often thought that an
extra phrase should be added to wedding vows to make them read:
"For richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health, and with Monday 
Night Football 'til death do us part."  Girls, if you aren't married
yet, you might think about that.  It's always easier to cope with a
situation you expect, than with one you don't expect.  But what's the
best way to cope with Monday Night Football?  Buy another television.