The Epic of the Baked Beans
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     Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
     for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
     embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
     a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
     marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on
     like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans,
     and shortly after that they got married.

     A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
     and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
     her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he
     passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
     overwhelmed him.

     Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
     off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and
     ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of
     baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down
     one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived
     home he felt reasonably safe.

     His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
     exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
     for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to
     his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to
     peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
     on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
     rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
     and she went to answer the phone.

     While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
     weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as
     a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
     napkin and fanned the air about him.

     He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
     raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine
     revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried
     fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
     Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another
     urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
     This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the
     dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the
     table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the
     conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
     blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,
     farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

     When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his
     loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
     folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
     picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

     Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
     dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold
     and yelled, "Surprise!!"

     To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
     around the table for his surprise birthday party.