First of all, here is a question for you. A riddle. If women pee from laughing so hard, what is it that men do?
PMS:
PMS allows women once a month to act like men do everyday!
SCREAMING:
Well, if there is noise, you know the kids are still alive. It's when they are QUIET that you have to worry about where they are and what they are into. Especially when you have two or more!
BLOOD:
First of all, where there is blood does NOT mean that the gash is huge! Just depends on where the gash is! Get a paper towel, napkin, toilet paper-ANYTHING-and clean the blood away. Apply 'direct pressure' (steady even pressure to stop or slow the bleeding) then ice to the area. Ice will help reduce the swelling and minimize bruising. Typically, if you can see white past the break in skin, you may need stitches.
'I HATE YOU!':
Well, 'I HATE YOU!' does not really mean that. What they MEAN is 'I don't like what you made me do', or 'I don't like what you just said', or 'I don't like what you did'. Kids are SOOOO inarticulate! Well, think about it...so are we! Our language has gotten so terrible! We use words in sentences that if you analyzed them would not make any sense at ALL! "You f*****g idiot!" Hmmmm-what a picture THAT paints!!!
'HE'S TOUCHING ME!':
Well, who doesn't touch someone else? Not too much to worry about unless you have a pervert pre-teen, then something needs to be done. Here I am referring to the 5 year old who hollers about the 4 month old! And then you REALLY have to worry if you only have one child...
'I CAN'T SLEEP':
What they really mean is 'I would like you to hold me for awhile.' (Refer to 'I HATE YOU' paragraph.)
LEAKY FAUCETS:
I once discovered that if your kitchen faucet is leaking, more like SQUIRTING, and you have no store to run out to, because it WILL happen in the middle of the night, the ring from a baby bottle nipple will do the same job as a washer-and it's a perfect fit!
MEN:
Ever notice how the worst things in a womans' life begins with the word 'men'? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal illness...
WOMEN'S BUILD:
According to MD Christiane Northrup-To find out your 'bone size', take your thumb and middle finger and wrap them around your wrist. If they do not touch, you are 'big boned'. If they touch, you are 'medium boned', and if they overlap, you are 'small boned'. She also states that the 'average boned' female, is an average height of 5'4"...and the proper weight would be 140 pounds. Imagine all those years of 'dieting' and you were AVERAGE all along! The models that you see on tv and magazines? They are 25% underweight, and represent 3 out of 1000 women-no typo there-3 out of 1000!
NESTLE CHOCOLATE QUIK:
Did you ever wonder how they came up with the chocolate mix? "Powdered chocolate mix was created by Nestle employees looking for something to do with the leftover chocolate used to make candy bars." (Family Circle magazine-Nov. 98 issue)
OTHER SILLY FACTS:
If you are running the heater or the air conditioner, SOMEONE will leave the doors open.
If it is raining outside, SOMEONE will be watering their lawn.
If you don't have it, SOMEONE will want it.
As soon as you get around to washing the car, it will rain.
Just when you thought it was safe to have 'nookie', SOMEONE comes in with a 'nightmare'.
The minute your tv program gets interesting, the phone rings or someone comes to the door.
Whenever YOU want to watch something on tv, the kids start with the 'MINE!' and 'HE'S TOUCHING ME!'
If the phone rings, that is the indication to the kids to start hollering at the top of their lungs, and to destroy the house.
Pigs don't sweat. Therefore when you say 'sweating like a pig', you are making a stupid comment. "Horses sweat. Men perspire. Women feel the heat."
The day you plan a HUGE family picnic, it will rain.
Just when it looks like you are finally treading water and going to have some extra money along pops up another expense, grabs you by your ankle and pulls you back under.
Oh. You were wondering about the answer to the riddle? Well, the answer is-MEN FART! Hope you are happy to know that now.
aprilnhoney@hotmail.com
