LIFE
My philosophy on life used
to be that it sucks. Now it only sucks on off days ... days when I think
too much. Life is what you make of it people say, well even when you try
and make a good life for yourself something messes all the best laid plans
up ... I am still trying to find a purpose for myself here ... the only
thing I can come up with is to that I am here to annoy and aggravate people.
Take my family ..(PLEASE TAKE THEM).. they are happy with me as long as
I 'follow their rules'. If I do something they don't like ... watch out.
No matter if it will be good for me or not, if it wasn't their idea in
the first place, they aren't happy when I do it. It's like mind control.
They think that they can tell me what to do, when to do it, and how to
do it, and if I don't then it is my fault when nothing in my life seems
to go right. But, if I do follow their 'advice' and it doesn't work out,
well hey, I must have done something wrong. Can't win.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my family very much, I just wish they would
look at me and say, "Wow, she's not a little girl anymore, she can make
decisions for herself, and we can't do anything about it, except HOPE she
makes the best decisions for HER."
I used to admire my family so much. I still hold my name in high regards, but it is because that is my name, not because it's my family name, as I used to think. It's who I am, not them. They helped make me who I am, yes, but it is up to me from now on to make sure I finish the process. I am my own person, and it is about time they realize this. Hey, it was about time I realized this, it took me 25 years, but I have finally done it.
People ... family you
can't pick ... but the people you associate with you can. I hate people
overall. The way they are, the way the act. I used to give people
the benefit of the doubt, then I opened my eyes. It seems everyone is out
to do what they can for themselves, and if you get in their way, see ya.
They would rather do anything they can for themselves, and the hell with
the rest of the world. As long as the get the proverbial pot of gold at
the end of the rainbow they are happy, and if they happen to hurt people
along the way, well, these things happen, right?? The thing is this doesn't
have to happen, and this is where I get confused. I can't figure out what
people want, I don't think they know what they want themselves. So, I gave
up.
There are some people who have proved me wrong here, and I am happy to
call them my friends. Friends are precious, and I hold them closely
to me. They might make a mistake once in awhile, but in the end it all
works out for the best. Thank you to those few people in this world who
are true.
I am having some dilemma's in my life right now, some private things going on in my life, that I won't get into. All I want to say about these things are that those who know me, know what's wrong. I appreciate them listening to me gripe and complain about this messed up life I live. I am trying to get everything all straightened out within my head, (WOW....This could take years). After that, if I am still aloud to walk the streets as a free person I guess I will be ok. If I am locked in a rubber room somewhere I hope they at least give me a puter to play with, to keep in touch with the 'make-believe real world'. I am beginning to wish the people I meet online were the people in my life that I see everyday. They are more real sometimes, at least they are nicer on it then they are in my life lately. Some people seem to be changing right before my eyes, and I have no idea what to do about it, like I really could do anything about it though. Yes well, as they say "Life goes on".
There is one thing I am searching for in life, although I really can't see myself attaining it. I don't think many people have it, and I think they are all searching for it. People may fool you into thinking they already have it, but in the end they are fooling themselves the most. If they continue to pretend all the way that they have it, then they are going to end up hurting even more. This thing I am searching for is 'complete happiness'. It seems I get so close, and then it all crumbles. There is always something there holding me back, keeping me from reaching it. I have yet to realize if it is me holding myself back ... or something else. I sit back and watch myself sometimes, just to see if I can figure this out. I have not found out why I can't seem to be happy. One day, I guess I will reach my happiness threshold, and that will be that ... no more for me. But if it is what I define as 'complete happiness', then I ask no more.
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