WHO AM I NOW?

Why am I a thousand-piece puzzle when everyone else is already put together?  Why is the rest of the world a size 10?  Why do their kites fly so high?  Why does the grass grow greener next door?  Because I am a thousand-piece puzzle.

Who am I now?  Who am I, now that my loved one has died?  Who am I, now that I have survived the holiday season and find myself into the gloom of winter?  Why do I feel so scattered?  Why am I a thousand-piece puzzle when everyone else is so put together?

Why does January seem so empty?  Why do seasons reflect my moods and why do I take on the cast of the weather outside?  Just as the world is stiff and frozen outside my window, I feel dead and cold and scattered inside myslef.  Who Am I Now?

I managed to male it through the holiday season, through the hows of that feat are truley beyond my reccollection.  I can't even remember eating the holidy meals.

In those glittering days I managed to smile and even find a few moments of peace and joy; but here in the gloom of January, all I seem to see are the scattered pieces of my life...cast before me on the card table, waiting for me to pick them up and make the picture.

But what picture do all these pieces form?  I used to think I knew.  I used to know who I was and where I was going and how I was going to get there.  But now, now in the chill of January, I can't even remember where the puzzle begins and I end.

I think I'm still grieving, and that surprises me.  It's been...(too long regardless of the time frame you insert), and I should be getting better.  Why do I still ache from a sunburn I got years ago when we were together on the beach?  Why is there still sand in my shoes and why does your name still stick in my throat?  Who am I now that my memories grow cold in January's chill?

Am I still a mother if ther is no child to tuck in at night?  Am I still a dad if there is no one to loan the car keys to?  Am I still a wife if there is no one to snuggle up to at night in my bed?  Am I still a husband if there is no one waiting for me at home for the end of the day?  Am I still a sister or a brother if there is no one to tease?  Am I still a child if my parent has died?  Am I still a human being, capable of loving and being loved, if the one person i loved more than anything has become frozen in time?  Who am I now that my loved one has died?

The gloom has permeated even my toes, and my whole body seems icy.  Why can't January be warm and gentle--especially after the struggle of the holidays?  I need some sunshine, some warmth, some help in turning over the puzzle pieces and putting them back together.  I need some spring.

But spring is a way off and I must (somehow) get through these days.  If you're feeling like I am, perhaps these few suggestions will help you find the pieces of your new puzzle.

 1.  Identify specific feelings.  Do not generalize.  Try to figure out exactly what is bothering you.  Look for the tiny grains of sand that you are still hiding in the bottom of your shoes.  Acknowledge them.  Be honest with those feelings, whatever they are.  If you're angry, be angry.  If you're sad, be sad.  Be specific in your sadness!

 2.  Pick your worries.  Focus on only one worry at a time.  Give up being worried about being worried.