I wanted to start making a personal journal/diary page, so that I could express my daily going on's. Some of the significant things happening or thoughts. Recently, (over the past three weeks) I ve actually lost some weight!!! For those of you who know me well, you know how big of an issue this has been for me. Thorought my life, its always been somewhat of a battle for me. Having to look in the mirror and seeing the body before me......... was"actually" me, was heart breaking. Its true.. when people gain weight due to depression or emotional strain.. its a physical wall they build around themselves. To protect themselves from being hurt or rejected.

So I guess with me now losing weight (without really trying) means Iam ready to tear down my wall. Its odd... sometimes the biggest battles in life.. seem so so hard at first. If you really don't think about beating the battle and just sorta subtly change a few things... it flows into victory. Iam far from my goal weight, but Iam so happy and proud of myself for losing what I have so far. Iam now starting to see little changes in my body. Its so exciting to see the result of that.

I ve tried just about every diet out there. But now I think I ve mastered what works for me. Fruit. Little meat, water and fruit lol. I ve also found out that Iam a carb addict. I love breads, bagels, rolls, pastry etc. I ve cut way back on those. I love !!!! I use to get their foot long roasted turkey breast *stay away from mayo!!*.. but now all I can eat is the 6 inch. woohoo. Going to the movies use to be a "fatty" night. Now... All I get is water and maybe some ice cream. Popcorn at the theaters is SO high in fat. Don't get me wrong I don't go around reading labels and doing math in my head. lol If you spill popcorn on your shirt it leaves a grease stain. THAT... should be a warning as to how much fat is in the popcorn.

I ve found since I don't go to McDonalds, Burger Kind (Which.. I LOVE) and have the burgers I don't feel as weighed down. Have a huge lemon aid,or water.. and the nuggets. Ya gotta splurge sometimes!!! lol

So far.. in the past three weeks, I ve lost 16 PNDS!!!! Yay me! And I don't feel hungry or tired. I eat when Iam hungry.. and thats it. Even if its late at night. I have a piece of fruit, juice a tea, or a big glass of water. Ya know.. that stuff fills you up and has zip for calories or fat. So.. go ahead eat at night... just be choosy about what you eat.

OK... so that is the GOOD stuff. Now for the "thing that pisses me off the MOST!! Sneaky COPS!!! who give speeding tickets. Ok.. you tell me... is it really fair for them to hide in a ditch, where NO ONE can see them and use the laser guns to clock your speed? AND... is it really fair to have a FREEWAY speed of 80 KM in a passing zone on a straight stretch? Seriously!!!! As you've probably guessed I got a speeding ticket.. YESTERDAY!!!!! I move to Vancouver island and within a month I get two of the suckers!!!! Sure.. I was speeding but I wasn't be wreckless or causing trouble. straight stretches passing someone in a passing lane. THAT... pisses me off. You don't even see the cop. At least with the old photo radar, you knew when cops were around. Bastardo's <- (Mel that was for you!!!) So now its gonna cost me like 700.00 to get my god damned insurance re newed.!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Well, that is all for now. I should get going here.. Don't worry ... lol I ll be back with more stuff later! MUAH!

AUGUST 9TH 2001

Well... I ve been doing alot of things lately. Really finding what I want in life. A friend of mine said this to me. I HAD to write it down here. "life is a chance and nothing is promised day to day" Such a simple saying.. packed with emotion, detail, thought and wonder. Can it be true? I ll write more later. this is a short one for now.

SEPTEMBER 21ST 2001

Yet another addition to my on going journal. I ve recently signed up for schooling. Iam taking 4 courses, (english, math, chemistry, and biology)needed for the LPN (licenced practical nurse)course I want to take that starts next yare. This is something I ve wanted to do, since I can remember. Up until this year, I had always thought I wasn't smart enough to do it. So I tried my hand at clerical positions, and schooling in other fields. The passion wasn't there tho. Just didn't feel right. My thoughts had always returned back to the medical field. So now I ve put into motion, the steps needed to get there. YAY me Its a good self esteem thing. Makes you feel better, when you just dive in, and get started.

I ve also been seeing a liver specialist. We're doing a huge battery of tests, to see what is going. Right now, they aren't sure what it is. It could be nothing..it could be something. I tell ya, the not knowing totally sucks. Worse comes to worse, they will have to take a liver biopsy. Iam not looking forward to that... but gotta do what ya gotta do to find things out!

I ve also had a run in with the emergency room. Due to my own stupidity, I didn't get my inhaler refilled for my ventolin. Those of you who may be asthmatic, know that was really dumb of me. I figured I could make it a little longer without going to the doctor.(two weeks had gone by).. I ended up getting prednisone for a week. MAN.. that stuff makes your muscles sore!!! So.. now I have a bazillion inhalers stashed all over my house.

I also wanted to add here, that lately.. "family" has been on my mind. Just thinking about my kids. How they are growing, and just important it is to take time with them. Together...and seperately. I watched a movie recently... and it make me stop and think. Really... THINK. Being goofy with them, doing crazy things, and just being a kid yourself, is a good thing for them.. and you!! I feel it would build a strong relationship with them! Might be a good thing later on (teen years) when they are going to be straying and REALLy testin ya! Hey.. I was one of those kids.. that just pushed and pushed. Didn't care at all what my parents said lol Oh man... heh heh

Anways.. this is all for now... I ll be back to share more later!
OCT 25th 2001

WOW!! Its been a month since I last wrote in here. Not alot has really changed here. I ve been off school for a couple weeks. VERY sick. Cold turned into Bronchitis. Icky. Iam finally starting to feel a wee bit better. Although the breathing is still a bit hard. "Cough cough!!" Doc has given me prednesone (sp)which is sorta working. ANYWAYS... What I wanted to put in here was that I ve been watching alot of Medical Shows lately. And tonight, was one on people over 100 years old. What they all seem to have in common was that they kept their lives busy. Meaning....brain power, some were working still, and others just tried to keep their every day lives..."alive". I totally found that to be great! So...starting tomorrow..Iam going to try and do something a little "More". I dunno what..but something. And make sure I take my vitamins. They were talking about the Vitamin E...being helpful. So.. I ll start there. Anyways... I should get going... need my beauty sleep! All I can get! HAH!

NOVEMBER 25TH, 2001

Well, today my daughter Kiersten had her 4th birthday. The actual day isn't until the 27th, but we had the party today. 8 kids showed up, and there was only two pieces of cake to spare. I ll take care of those....... later!! heh heh. It was a good time for all I think. No one hurt, and the screaming wasn't too loud. It only called for Tylenol regular strength. Her theme was Monsters,INC. I ll be sticking the pics on the kids page as soon as I get off my butt. She got a few new barbies, some little people stuff, a musical carasel and a cool snake skinlike suit.

Looking thru the pictures, and seeing myself in them... was very much a "reality slap". Seeing myself, still not in the best shape kinda makes ya feel like ... crap. So tomorrow is another "start" for me. Yet another start. Or maybe I should call it an end? An end to basically killing myself. I know..drastic words. But if ya think about it...its exactly what it is. You don't treat your body right, don't eat right, and that horrible word "exercise", you are starving your body of what it needs to be healthy. We all know, that starving...kills. Kinda scary eh? <- (notice the canadianism?)So its an end tomorrow for me. Tired of starting, again and again.

Ok, so here's my plan. Monday.... is walk the dog day. Tuesday is go swimming day. Wednesday is do my ab's video. Thursday walk day for me. Friday is swimming. Saturday and Sunday..housework. That should be enough for those days. lol Two kids....umm...yea..

Iam also gonna keep a food journal. I ve read that those work fairly well. And you share it with someone else. Someone else who is trying to take care of themselves alot better as well. So..theres my plan. Kris's......ending it tomorrow! Thats all for now folks.

JANUARY 2nd 2002! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

Well Iam back, writing again. The holidays were hectic for me this year. I had my mom here, who is doing much better now from her Cancer. My girls got totally spoiled and it was great for them. This year, I didn't want anything from anyone.. just to make the Christmas a good one for my kids. To me, its all about the kids. Family, friends and having fun.

So far, my new years resolution is on track. No more pop, junk after 7 pm, and Ill be starting back to school in January. I hope to be accepted into a nursing school in September of this year.

I haven't written yet about Sept 11, 2001. For a long time, I found it hard to believe it actually happened. To get my head around it. Now, I feel that its so important for people to be close, to let those close to them, know exactly how they feel. At any point, those that mean the most, could be gone. Its a sad state, to have a tragedy of this magnitude to give people a wake up call. And remember the things in life, that truly mean the most. I just hope that everyone is able to stay with it, and keep family/friends close. Let them know you love them. Even if "love" was a foreign word in your family. Take that step. That day, I stayed home, kept my kids home with me, and didn't want them to go anywhere. I called my family and just let them know how much they ment to me. My heart goes out to those families who's loved ones died on that fateful day.

Its kinda like starting a new chapter in a book. Or the season in a sitcom. Do you ever feel that you were put here for a purpose? Or maybe you haven't figured out what that purpose is. I'll tell ya what mine is. I ve always known, and never known why.... but I always knew that I was to know alot of people. And they were to know me. I never knew exactly how this would come about. For a while I felt it was nursing. I was ment to care for people, help them get better and touch their lives. Or I felt it was abused women and kids. It some ways.. I was right. But the circle wasn't complete. I was being to definate. I didnt' step back and look at the whole picture. What I was missing, was that I am already doing what Iam ment to do. Its not supposed to happen to a certain group of people. Iam ment to experience all kinds of things, people, places and situations. Iam ment to inspire different people in different ways. I ve done so with a few already, and never thought twice about it. But I do know I Felt good, complete and whole when it happened. I just shrugged it off. But... its like "Iam a force, people move around me" (Iam quoting the movie)... when I look back on things that have happened, and people I ve met, or touched or just maybe let them see things in a different light.... its true. It may sound egotistical,... but its not ment that way. Its ment in a purely spiritual and revelational sense. I can breath deeply now. Smiley and be ok with me. WHAT AN AMAZING FEELING!!!!!!

Don't ingore those little voices that give you hints and first talk to you when faced with something. Whether its good or bad. When you feel truly good about something.... relish in that. Don't just shrug it off. Its a hint. A doorway to the place where you belong.