Like most everything else in the Septi-Verse, Ask Mr. Manners is satirical and fun.  But unlike anything else in the Septi-Verse, people actually e-mail questions to me and our resident advice columnist (me) makes up advice.  Under no circumstances are you to actually follow these suggestions!  It is very bad advice, stuff that you should not do, otherwise you could: hurt yourself, get harmed by someone else, be disowned by your family, go to jail, or maybe something even worse.  Just so you know, I, Septimus, can not be held responsible for the repercussions of any action of anyone who takes the advice of Mr. Manners, because I am officially begging you please, please, please, do not take this advice seriously!

    Thank you, and on to the bad advice...

Growing Pains
Dear Mr. Manners,

I have a problem about this "friend" that that lives about three blocks from my house. We were friends scene I was six, but after the years went by I matured and he didn't. He trys to come over to my house all the time, and me being to nice as I am let him in to my house. He always embarrasses the hell out of me. I have even said to him "We are not friends any more.", and "Please stop calling me!". Please help me with my problem.

Im Going to Kill him.

Dear Kill,

If I had a nickel for every time I tried to dissuade someone from murder, I'd be a very rich man.  But then again, if I had a nickel for every time I actually succeeded in dissuading someone from murder, I'd be about as poor as I am now.  But that doesn't keep me from trying.  You know, as you get older, you have to go through some growing pains.  Now I think that it's about time that you shared them with your friend.  If his maturity is an issue, as a friend you must do everything that you can to help him catch up to you.  I think that an enlistment in the French Foreign Legion would probably help speed up his maturation process.  So what if he's under eighteen, with a computer you can successfully forge most any document.  If that doesn't work, why don't you sell him to a group of criminals who specialize in gladiatorial fighting?  Not only will these death matches help him to grow up, but you also get a little extra cash in your pocket.  (But beware, your friend might come out of the process as a super-angry killing machine, and guess who'll be his first target.)  If you can't send him to the Foreign Legion, or sell him to criminals, I'd suggest that the next time that he comes over to your house that you tie him up, strip him naked, take him to the town square and throw squishy fruits and vegetables at him.  (But remember to use over-ripend, soft, round produce.  If it's not ripe enough, it'll leave welts, and no one wants that.)  No only will you teach him a lesson, but you will also fill any passing children's hearts full of glee, and you can make money if you send the video tape into one of those "reality shows".  Too bad America's Funniest Home Videos is no longer on the air, you'd get the grand prize for sure.

Bad Puppy!
dear MR. Manners,

MY dog can be such a pain. It craps and pees all over my room. And to top it all off it resently started to try to have sex with my sisters cat! please, in the name of all that is still decent, help me!

dog probs

Dear probs,

I know far too well the pain of this situation, when a beloved pet starts misbehaving for no apparent reason.  In my case, it was my grandmother.  Grandma was fine one day, the next thing I know, she was defecating and urinating all over the carpets, chewing on the furniture and trying to hump the cat AND the mailman.  It was tragic.  We tried punishment, I couldn't tell you how many times I whacked her with a rolled up newspaper, but all to no avail.  We started locking her cage when we put her in it at night, but that only treated the symptoms.  That's when I decided to take her down to the vet and get her neutered, that was the best discussion that I could have made.  Now, not only is she healthy and frisky, but she's also very well behaved, AND going on the paper again.  I think that neutering your dog will probably have the same effect.  As Bob Barker, host of the Price is Right always says, "Spay or neuter your pets and elderly."  And I plan on taking Bob to the vet next.

Digestive Emergency
Dear Mr. Manners,

I have this serious problem......
Ya see...theres this weasel in my @$$, and I can't get him out!!
What do I do?!!! I've been sitting on the crapper for days!!!
( hes a persistant lil bugger. )
I also have another problem....
:is lying on the couch with blankets..starts breathing heavily:
:smoke comes outta her mouth:
......
:whispers:
I see dead people! ;_;

ChibiKeba, a legend...in her own mind0_o*

Dear Chibi,

Having an animal in your rectum (otherwise known as "Ass Critters") is no laughing matter. I remember when my older brother always used to say, "The day a fat, lecherous hill-billy gets elected is the day monkeys fly out of my ass."  Sure enough November 4th 1992, my brother doubled over in pain.  As we were taking him to the hospital, we noticed that something was moving around in his pants.  When the doctors in the ER took his pants off, a giant winged monkey got loose.  After a series of x-rays and painful "anal-scope" exams, it seems that my brother had a nest of ass monkeys living in his intestines.  Although having ass critters is not a life threatening situation, it is very painful and embarrassing condition.  After a few weeks of banana enemas, all of the ass monkeys were lured out of my brother's digestive tract, and now he leads a fully productive life.  (But he has to get an ass monkey exam every six months to make sure they haven't taken up residence again.)  Fortunately for you, badgers are omnivores- they will eat fruit, small animals, roots, and they are particularly fond of honey, so luring it out should be a relatively easy process.  (Whereas an ass koala will only be lured out with eucalyptus leaves.)  And remember, you have to let the badger come out in it's own time, do not send someone in to get it- badgers have sharp claws and are fond of burrowing, and you don't want it to do that.

Oh, and about the dead people, if you don't keep on top of burring or otherwise disposing of their bodies, you will see them everywhere.  And unless you have a cold storage unit, or use a product like "Corpse Fresh", they'll stink up your place in days.

    If you have a question about modern etiquette for Mr. Manners, send it to the Septi-Verse at septy@geocities.com.