Something that happened in the store a few weeks ago reminded me of two great tales of stupidity.  Someone came into my store and grabbed a bunch of stuff.  It seems that he was going up the block getting what he could.  I would have loved to have stopped him, but we aren't allowed to physically detain people, and the office is too cheap to spring for a net gun.  But it did put me in mind to remember two stories about the ones that didn't get away.  So, November is Shoplifting month!

Back for More!

    I was working alone one summer night, and it was pretty crowded in Oakland.  At about midnight, maybe 12:30, a kid came into the store and got some chips, then came up to the counter and asked for two packs of cigarettes.  No sooner did I take the cigarettes from the rack to put them on the register, he snatched them from my hand, and ran out of the store.  I called the cops, but with the crowd, it was pretty hard to spot someone, so we figured that it was a lost cause.

    The chips must have made him thirsty, because about an hour later the same guy came back and went to get a drink.  As he was walking toward the front of the store to leave, I was on the phone to the police, to give them a better description.  I paused to ask him if he felt like paying for the stuff he stole, and he muttered something unintelligible and strolled out of the store.  No more than a half block up the street, 3 officers converged on him, and drug his ass downtown.

    For the $7.50 worth of stuff that he stole, he had to pay about $1000 in fines and other assorted fees.  I guess the moral of the story is that if you're going to shoplift and not be subtle, don't return to the scene of the crime to lift more.

Vertically Striped Challenged

    It was a winter night, and once again I was working alone.  Although it was semester break at the local colleges, there were quite a few people out, I guess because it was somewhat warm.  So I was suffering away at the job, when two guys came in to get drinks.  Something about them set off my Septi-Sense, I knew that they didn't feel like paying.  So as they stood by the machine, I started getting descriptions of them.  I guess they weren't planning to go a-shopliftin', because they wore the ugliest, gaudiest, loudest shirts this side of Hawaii.  They turned around and the one asked me how much the drinks cost, and I told them.  Then the other asked if I would call the cops if someone shoplifted drinks, and I responded yes.  Either they didn't know what "yes" meant, or they didn't believe me, because they ran out the door.  I was on the phone to the police, gave their descriptions, and they had officers looking for them.

    About ten minutes later a police car drove up, and the officer came in and told me that they had found the "suspects".  It seems that the arresting officer had spotted them a half of a block away because the shirts were so plug ugly and loud.  When the officer asked them if they had been to the store they had said no, but she was sly enough to notice the drinks and called in for back up.

    The moral of this story would have to be: if you are planning to shoplift, or commit any other crime, do not wear the brightest, tackiest, most spottable shirt that you have in your closet.  If it is night, do not wear something that reelects light or is viable from 1500 feet.