Our absolutely True Tales of Stupidity this month are both about following directions, and how things turn out when you are too much of a moron to do so.
 

Cup O' Charcoal

    One of the well trained and incredibly alert and attentive guards came into the store and asked me how much the noodle cups cost.  I told her, and she argued with me until I told her that it was my price or no noodles.  She took the cup up to the counter and paid the other clerk for it.  She then put the cup in the microwave and fumbled a few times to find the button for two minutes.

    I looked up and saw smoke billow from the microwave.  I ran to the front of the store to see the styrofoam cup ablaze and the guard looking at it dumbfoundedly.  It seems that although she could read the part of the instructions that said "two minutes", but the section that said "add water" was completely indecipherable to her.  (And I'm not even going to talk about that whole "heat water", "add water" order that is obviously way too complex, much akin to the intricacies of quantum physics.)

    So she looks at me.  After it stopped smoldering, I took the cup o' chaorcol and tossed it in the sink to make sure that it wouldn't reignite in the trash can and burn the place down.  (Although in hindsight I see my mistake.  I should have thrown it in the trash while it was still burning in the hopes that it would burn the place down.)  She then asks, "Can I have another for free?"

    I paused to think for a second and then said, "Umm...  No."  (And anyone who thought that I would say "Yes" just haven't been paying attention these last eight months.)  She bought another cup, and this time added water to it before putting it in the microwave.

Instructionally Challenged

    So one day a guys comes into my store and asks about the help wanted sign hanging in the window.  I gave him an application, and he asked me how much the job pays and the hours, so I told him.  He asked for a pen so he could fill out the application, so I gave him one and he went to work.  After about ten minutes he put down his pen, and handed the paper to me.  Being the helpful soul that I am, I checked to see if he filled the whole thing out.  The front was OK (though barely legible), but when I checked the back I noticed that he didn't complete the work history section.  I said, "You only wrote down one job.  You need at least two job references or three personal references."

    I guess that I slipped into speaking a foreign tongue (as I so often do), because he looked at me as if  I were speaking gibberish to him.  "Huh?"

    I repeated, "You need two job references or three personal references."  He stared at me blankly.  "The people who hire like to have a few references to check on."

    He looked at the application and said, "Where does it say this?"

    I took the application from him, and pointed at the text above the work history section.  "'Please fill in all employment starting with the most recent.  Please account for all periods of unemployment, and you may attach additional sheets if necessary.'
i trust that you have had more than one job in your life"

    "Oh, sure."  So he filled in another job and gave the application back to me.  "This is all I could remember."  He walked out the door, and I looked at the work history section again.  It seems that he only worked at the second job that he put down for about three days (he worked the first one a whopping month) AND he didn't write the jobs down in chronological order AND he didn't account for his period of unemployment.

    The boss came in, and I handed the application to her.  "You know, I think we have a real winner on our hands here.  Not only does he have an amazing attention to detail, his only attribute that surpasses his ability to follow direction, is his commitment to keep a job.  She looked at the application, then put it in the file I like to call "winners at the game of life".
 

    So, what should we take from these stories.  First, if you want to do something right, read the directions; although I do understand that it is very hard to follow two brief paragraphs that were written so that a fourth grader could comprehend them.  Second, if you don't understand those brief paragraphs, and someone tells you how to do it, listen to that person and do what he or she says.  Third, if you are too stupid to follow either of those simple directions, lock yourself in your house, and don't bother those of us who can; we really don't appreciate that.