Jokes I have found some very funny jokes in various places. They are sooo funny. Just click to read. If you have a joke that you would like me to add to my list please e mail it to me. I would be glad to add it. Don't forget to add your name and e mail so I can mention who you are. Mail me your joke! The Blonde and the Brooklyn Bridge A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!' Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'. So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'. The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!' Skylight A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down her bikini top fell off... she didn't care anyway because no one will see her. After a while she heard footsteps, it was the hotel manager... she hurried up and covered herself up and the hotel manager said. 'We don't mind if you sunbath up here, but we would appeciate it if you would keep your bikini top on!' And she said,' No one will see me anyway.' And the hotel manager said,'I hate to break this to you.... but you're laying on the dining room skylights. Twelve Inch Pianist This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man, the tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it and say, 'Hey, whats that?' The other guy says 'A twelve inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, and I got a twelve inch pianist.' The other guy says 'Cool can I try?' and he makes a wish. A minute later, a million ducks fill the room. The guy says 'Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!' The guy says 'Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?' Old Women. There are three old sisters living in a house together. The first sister is pouring the water for her bath. She puts one foot in and asks herself if she was getting in our out. She stands there trying to figure it out. The second sister is walking up the stairs. She gets to the middle and can't remember if she was going up or down. The third sister seeing all of this stands next to the cubboard and says, 'I hope I never get as bad as those two. Knock on wood.' ' Who's there?' Croak A grandson went up to his grandpa and said, 'Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?' 'No, why?' 'Just wondering.' A few minutes later the granddaughter came up and said,'Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?' 'No. Why do you kids keep asking me if I can talk like a frog?' 'Because Dad said, 'when grandpa croaks, we can go to Disneyland.'' Salesman A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The oldtimer said he would teach him how to sell things. 'Watch how I do it.' he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter. The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The oldtimer then said to him 'You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing your going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass.' 'You know,' said the man, 'I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one.' After the customer left, the new kid said 'I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one.' A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, 'You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that.' The man then asked the young salesman 'What are you talking about?' 'Well,' he said, 'It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!' Moses, Jesus, Some Old Guy Golf Joke Moses, Jesus and some 'ol geezer are going to play a round of golf. Moses tees off, the ball goes right into the pond. No problem! Moses walks over parts the water and hits the ball again, where it lands about 1 ft. from the first hole. Jesus then tees off and the ball goes flying off to the left, hits a tree, then miraculously bounces to about 6 inches from the hole. The 'ol geezer steps up, tees off, the ball heads right for the pond, a huge bass jumps up grabs the ball in its' mouth, suddenly an eagle swoops down, grabs the bass and flys over the green, the bass drops the ball and it rolls to just about 2 inches from the hole! All of a sudden a worm pops up and knocks the ball in. A hole in one. Moses looks at Jesus and says, 'You know, I really hate it when your DAD plays.' Computer Gender A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as *she- and *her.- He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. Penguins to the Zoo This man had to take a bunch of penguins to the zoo for the new exibit. On the way into town his truck broke down and he pulled over to the side of the road. A guy pulls up next to him and says, 'Hey, do you need some help?' The man says, 'Actually, all I need is to get these penguins to the zoo. If I give you 50 bucks will you make sure you take them?' So the guy takes the money and the penguins and takes off. The man went to fix his truck and an hour later he's pulling up into town to go check on the penguins. He stops at a red light and looks across the street and sees the guy walking with all the penguins following behind him. The man gets out of his car and screams at the guy, 'Hey! What are you doing? I thought I gave you 50 bucks to get the penguins to the zoo!!' The guy turns with a big smile and says, 'I did take them to the zoo and I had some money left over so now I'm taking them to the movies.' Dumb Faith A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come up. The water starts rising, and before you know it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered. Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along. Guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to save you. Get in the boat.' Guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that God will save me.' The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy is forced up the second floor of his house by the flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.' From the second floor window the guy says, 'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll save me.' The boat leaves. Water's rising. The guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come now you're going to drown.' The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will save me.' The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he would save me. Why did He let me down?' And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!'