This part of my page may be offensive to some people, and others will love it! I hope you enjoy the jokes that I have put on here for all of you people, and you can tell me what you think by dropping me an e-mail.
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel". The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really". The teacher...in a huff..said.. "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!! At this the boy turned to his sister and said "Come on, Chicken Shit....he ain't gonna believe you neither!"
Hooked on Ebonics
Leroy is a 20 year old 9th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1.Foreclose-If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose. 2.Rectum-I had two cadillacs, but my old lady rectum both. 3.Hotel-I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody. 4.Disappiontment-My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house. 5.Penis-I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis. 6.Isreal-Jerome tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, man that looks fake. He said bullshit, that watch Isreal. 7.Catacomb-Don King was at the fight the other night. Man somebody oughta give dat Catacomb. 8.Undermine-There is a fine lookin hoe in the apartment undermine. 9.Acoustic-When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da poolhall. 10.Iraq-When we got to da poolhall, I told my uncle Iraq, you break. 11.Stain-My mother in law stopped by and I axed her if she planned on stain for dinner. 12.Seldom-My cousin gave me two tickets to the football game but I seldom. 13.Honor-At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy who be honor first? 14.Odyssey-I told my brother, you odyssey the tits on that hoe! 15.Axe-The policeman wanted to axe me some questions. 16.Tripoli-I was gonna buy my old lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli. 17.Fortify-I axed the hoe how much? She said fortify. 18.Income-I just got in bed with da hoe and income my wife.
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love,and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and bride says to her new groom,"Please promise to be gentle... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You have been married 3 times before."
The bride reponds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecolgist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was..... DAMN I MISS HIM!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in!"
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick but he says his wife is more thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods and agrees that these two women sound like the both walked through the stupid forest and hit every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it. My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK...They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don'tget any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,
either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
***************
Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself, one guy reaches in to touch it. As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless. A few days later in hospital the other guy visits and asks his partner if he is hurt... "Hurt..Hurt.. You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."
A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After
visiting numerous doctors without help, he decided to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire, shook his rattle and danced wildly. When he was through he said, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3 and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had. After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say: '1,2,3,4' and it will be gone for one year."
Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife, "Watch this! "1,2,3." He sprang to life larger and stiffer then ever before. His wife was amazed, smiled, and said, "That's great! But what did you say, "1,2,3," for?
Candy Porn
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,"heySweetheart , how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds, because it was easy to see that this little Twix, had the Red Hots. It was all
I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit, she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,you are better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped... Baby Ruth!
Ten Things That Piss Me Off by Adam Sandler
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? 2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick. 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? 5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there. 7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! 8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? 9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!
Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 U.S. leader.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?? A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat It! We're closed!
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q.Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed? A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game? A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Hooked On Ebonics II
Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple Homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in:
1. HONOR ROLL- We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL. 2. PLANET- I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard. 3. DISMAY- I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little." 4. OMELETTE- Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week. 5. STAIRWAY- When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space. 6. MOBILE- I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE." 7. DEFENSE- I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away. 8. AFRO- I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her. 9. AFTERMATH- I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed. 10. LOCKET- I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET. 11. DOMINEERING- My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING. 12. KENYA- I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change. 13. DERANGE- DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play. 14. DATA- At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!" 15. COPULATE- I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!" 16. FASCINATE- My girly's titties are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE. 17. BEWARE- I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?" 18. DIMENSION- I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse. 19. COATROOM- The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM." 20. DECIDE- I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of bitches on DECIDE.
BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE FOLLOWING COMPUTER VIRUSES!!
CLINTON VIRUS- Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory. VIAGRA VIRUS- Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. LEWINSKY VIRUS- Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. RONALD REAGAN VIRUS- Saves your data but forgets where it is stored. MIKE TYSON VIRUS- Quits after two bytes. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS- Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB. DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS- Deletes all old files. ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS- Disks can no longer be inserted. TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of Lewinsky virus)- Your whole computer goes down. DISNEY VIRUS- Everything in your computer goes Goofy. PROZAC VIRUS- Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS- Only attacks minor files. LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS-Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it--through Windows.
Hundreds of blonde jokes
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