The Sorrows of a Son
One day I received a call, my mother was on the phone telling me that she had to go get a biopsy done on her lungs and that I needed to come back to Texas from Wisconsin where I was living. Mom asked me to call her Dr. if I did not believe her, she gave me his number, and I called him. Silly me just thought mom was trying to get me worried. Turns out she was dying. The Doc said it was bad and that I needed to come home. Surely he must be wrong, how could this happen? But you ought to know by now when the Doc is willing to talk to you on the phone it has got to be pretty bad.
I tried putting it off, out of my mind, it's not that bad, surely it's a bad dream.
(skip to the ending)
I went home 3 months after Mom's death, I saw her beautiful grave stone, I cried, you see my mom is gone and my mind is coming apart. Day by day it looses touch with things, I forget simple things, I cry inside.
It was time to get on with closing out the estate, going through Mom¡¦s things one last time. Closing out that chapter in my life. It's hard, very hard, to go through all of her old papers, notes, cards she saved, old junk mail, memories of mom. Deciding who gets what, what I want, what means the most to me, what I have to have. Arguing over who gets this and that. Thinking about the day that mom bought this or that, or got this as a gift. It's hard I tell ya, but I am the son, and I have to do this right. Me the only son, the one who was only there for her at the end. Not the one who was there during all the times she needed me. What a failure I am now.
So I show up there, plan in mind, go through it all and be done in one week. Well let me tell you about time, which is another story, it goes really fast. I bring my trusty future wife with me, the one who can work me to death. What a dear gal, it helps to bring someone with you who does not have the emotional attachment to the person whose stuff you are going through. They can sort through stuff without the guilt or memories. And what I might add a fine job she did. There was a lot of stuff to sort, pack, throwaway, decide who gets etc.
Mom all I wanted was you, to still be with me, but I could not find you, only memories of you. And there were many, why did you go??????? And leave me this unbearable task, I am only a child. I can't handle this. I am sorry I was not a better son, I have many failings in this life.
The long and the short of it is I am still here, finally getting the nerve to share these thoughts with others. My mind is mostly here, at times though I still cry. At times I still remember her, and I remember how much I loved her even though I was never there enough.
The Sorrows has many more chapters, at times when I start to slip away I write, never intending anything great to come of any of this.
I remain a humble son.
December 27, 2003
