...301 Quotes, Sayings, and Things...

1. Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
2. If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
3. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
4. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
5. Reality is a figment of your imagination.
6. Life is just one of those things.
7. Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.
8. Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
9. You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
10. I can handle pain until it hurts.
11. It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
12. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
13. The ultimate reason is "because".
14. I'm objective; I object to everything.
15. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
16. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
17. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
18. A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??
19. I have always been crazy, but it keeps me from going insane.
20. Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
21. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
22. If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
23. Life is a terminal disease.
24. Your lucky color has faded.
25. There world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.
26. No matter where you go; you're there.
27. Don't take me literally.
28. Live on the edge, just don't fall off.
29. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
30. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
31. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
32. Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
33. The world is coming to and end. Please log off.
34. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
35. Save the whales, collect the whole set.
36. Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
37. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
38. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
39. No one is perfect, but some are closer than others.
40. Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
41. My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
42. Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.
43. Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
44. Speak softly, but carry an M16.
45. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
46. It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
47. Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
48. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.
49. Just plead the Fifth — or drink it — either way.
50. Death is the consequence of being alive.
51. Life's a beach, and then you drown.
52. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
53. People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
54. Have a nice day..... somewhere else.
55. Was today really necessary?
56. Life without bears would be unbearable.
57. Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
58. I've no time to prepare a profound message.
59. Whatever it is — I didn't do it!
60. You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.
61. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
62. When all else fails, lower your standards.
63. Why be normal?
64. Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
65. If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
66. I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
67. I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
68. It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.
69. Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
70. Cute and interesting are two different things.
71. Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.
72. It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
73. Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.
74. If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?
75. IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.
76. A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
77. If you can't go first class, charge it!
78. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
79. Be a fruit fly and multiply.
80. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
81. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
82. If you can't be weird, why be?
83. It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
84. Gravity always gets me down.
85. I'm serious; it was a joke.
86. Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
87. If we're going to have fun, we've got to be more serious.
88. I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just another expert at being confused.
89. Now that I've got my act togther, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it.
90. This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
91. I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep.
92. I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
93. Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
94. You can't be late until you show up.
95. It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
96. I just love nonverbal communication.
97. You've gotta die in creative ways.
98. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck.
99. It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal.
100. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
101. It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
102. Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
103. Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.
104. Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
105. Excellent time to become a missing person.
106. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
107. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
108. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
109. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.
110. Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
111. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
112. Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones will be just as effective.
113. Look out! Behind you!
114. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
115. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
116. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
117. Never put off today what you can avoid all together.
118. Your lucky number has been disconnected.
119. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
120. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
121. I haven't lost my mind — it's backed up on tape somewhere.
122. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
123. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
124. You know it's going to be a bad day when... the sun comes up in the west.
125. You know it's going to be a bad day when... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
126. You know it's going to be a bad day when... you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
127. You know it's going to be a bad day when... your pet rock snaps at you.
128. You know it's going to be a bad day when... your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
129. You know it's going to be a bad day when... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
130. You know it's going to be a bad day when... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.
131. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
132. Smile... tomorrow will be worse.
133. When things just can't get any worse, they will.
134. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
135. No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
136. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
137. Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
138. When it rains, it pours.
139. The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
140. Everything put together, sooner or later falls apart.
141. Things will get worse before they get better.
142. Who said things will get better?
143. Things get worse under pressure.
144. Things get worse no matter how hard you try to make them better.
145. You always find something in the last place you look.
146. You can't fall off the floor.
147. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
148. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
149. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
150. I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
151. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
152. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
153. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
154. The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
155. A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet. (sort of)
156. Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
157. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
158. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
169. He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
170. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
171. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's within walking distance.
172. I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
173. If you can't be good, be careful. It you can't be careful, give me a call.
174. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
175. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
176. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
177. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
178. Schizophrenia beats being alone.
179. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
180. They're only trying to make you LOOK paranoid.
181. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
182. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
183. Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.
184. Reality is for those who can't handle fantasy.
185. Farewell, peace be with you, and may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
186. I don't listen to the babblings of fools unless I'm the one talking.
187. Not I says me. Not me says I.
188. If you can't beat ‘em, get a fat guy to sit on ‘em.
189. Let mind control set you free.
190. Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
191. Those who laugh at themselves, never cease to be amused.
192. I'm not as think and you drunk I am.
193. Everything I say goes.
194. I'm naked..... under my clothes.
195. I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't.
196. I don't know what I want to know, I just know that I want to know it.
197. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
198. If it wasn't for death, we'd have nothing to live for.
199. Real is better than simulation.
200. Look around. Do you notice anything different? I bet you do!
201. I lock my door and lock my head and dream of butterflies instead.
202. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three left's do.
203. I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
204. Double your pleasure, double your fun. Xerox your paycheck.
205. Of course it's half eaten, you wanted the Chef's salad.
206. Hey Santa! How much for your list of Naughty Girls?
207. If God is love and love is blind, is Ray Charles God?
208. A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
209. Yeah, I fired a warning shot into his chest.
210. Fighting for war is like f***ing for virginity.
211. If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them.
212. If I promise to miss you, will you leave me alone?
213. If you don't fall off, you aren't going fast enough.
214. I laughed, I cried... I'm manic depressant.
215. Save the planet, kill yourself.
216. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
217. Smile... it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
218. Sex on television can't hurt, unless you fall off.
220. Horn broken, watch for finger.
221. My kid had sex with your honor student.
222. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
223. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
224. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
225. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
226. Lord save me from your followers.
227. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
228. Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
229. If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
230. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
231. All you really need in life is a backpack and some friends.
232. Sometimes the journey is just as important as he destination.
233. You bleed just to know you're alive.
234. You don't love a girl because of beauty, you love her because she sings a song only you can understand.
235. God made him, therefore let him pass for a man.
236. Marriage has many pains but celibacy has no pleasure.
237. If I love you, what business is it of yours?
238. Ours is a world where people don't know what thy want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
239. Why should the devil have all the good tunes.
240. There's a skirmish of a wit between them.
241. All hell broke loose.
242. Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
243. The march of human mind is slow.
244. I love nothing in the world so well as you; is that not strange?
245. Are you listening or am I talking to deaf ears?
246. Men are but children of a larger growth.
247. Wedding is destiny and hanging likewise.
248. A woman's strength is in her tongue.
249. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
250. Don't be so humble, you're not that great.
251. People demand for freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
252. Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
253. I'll sleep when I'm dead.
254. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
255. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
256. Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
257. We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
258. The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
259. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
260. Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
261. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
262. It is dangerous to be sincere, unless you are also stupid.
263. If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
264. Logic is in the eye of the logician.
265. Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
266. My advice to you is get married; find a good wife and you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
267. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
268. The nice things about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
269. You'[ve got to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
270. I am not young enough to know everything.
271. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
272. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
273. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
274. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
275. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
276. Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
277. I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
278. The average person thins he isn't.
279. He would make a lovely corpse.
280. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
281. We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.
282. Hate is merely love standing on its head.
283. Life is what we are alive to do.
284. Engage your brain before you put your mouth in gear.
285. There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.
286. I may look busy but I am only confused.
287. I know you think, but I am not sure you realize.
288. When we are all dead, there will be peace.
289. Cherish yesterday, Dream tomorrow, Live today.
290. Where everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.
291. If youth only knew, and if age only could.
292. Maturity is the ability to live in someone else's world.
293. A little mind and a big mouth often go together.
294. Hell is being locked in a room with your closest friends.
295. Do I make you horny baby, yeah?
296. When in doubt, push the red button.
297. A real friend stabs you in the front.
298. But honey, this one ate my popcorn!
299. I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet.
300. I'm a freak. Touch me.
301. Be back next week. Gone sexin'.

lilfreeek@hotmail.com
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