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Welcome to the Magic Advice page. It is run by me, Magic. Okay, here is your chance to get advice from a cat. I suppose there's going to be the lot of you who are going to be asking cat-related questions. They're okay and I'll answer them, but they're also a little boring. You are welcome to ask me any kind of question. I should warn you about a couple of things. First, I really don't know anything about magic. Second, unless you specifically ask to remain anonymous, I'll list your name. Otherwise, I'll try to answer your questions as truthfully as possible. If I don't know it… I'll lie and make it sound good. Submit your questions to my human, Blue Dragon with the subject "Magic Advice". Well, I'm awaiting your questions.
- - Magic.
Dear Magic,
Why does your human feel the need to pick on the Seattle Mariners?
Is he threatened by them? I should think not, but he did feel the need to add tot he bottom of his home page:
Atlanta Braves magic number: 0
Seattle Mariners elimination number: 0
Don't you think that should read, " Number of games the Braves won in the 1999 World Series: 0"??? Is your human still upset the Braves were swept in the World Series?
A TRUE Mariner's Fan...
Submitted: October 29, 1999
Dear A,
First, I would like to point out that I can't be very objective about this since I'm also an Atlanta Braves enthusiast.
Well, I suppose it constitutes how you define "pick on". I personally don't see it that way. What is affectionately known as a "magic number" in the baseball world, is strictly mathematical. The formula is:
Magic Number = 163 - [number of wins] - [number of closest opponents losses]
The number 163 is the number of games a season, plus one (162 clinches with a tie; 163 clinches without a tie).
So technically presenting the magic numbers is not presenting any opinions, it would be similar to posting the win-loss records.
Is he threatened by them? Hardly. He doesn't play baseball professionally. Besides, if you have questions for (or about) him, you could just mail him directly, unless of course, you are needy, want attention, and have certain aspirations that this question would get posted.
I suppose the question I have is... If it is reasonable for you to like a team, isn't it also pretty reasonable to dislike a team? And if so what reason, other than conformity, dictates that the team you dislike cannot be the local sports team?
I suppose that it could read: "Number of games the Braves won in the 1999 World Series: 0", but since not all teams make it to the post season, it would start to look a little silly since, to be fair, the numbers for the Mariners would also be listed, and "Number of games the Mariners won in the 1999 World Series: 0".
The point being, you could come up with any statistic you want... number of homeruns, total offense, total wins, etc. However, you could look at the cold hard facts. First, the first thing a team has to do is win their division (or the wild card); if they can't do that, everything else is moot. That's precisely what the magic number measures; how close a team is to winning their division. Second, listing the magic numbers is something that every team is involved in, not just the eight teams that make it to the post-season.
As for my human, I don't know if I would classify his mood as upset. Disappointed is probably closer to the truth. He does point out that, in order to get swept in the World Series, you have to make it there, which the Atlanta Braves were not able to do in the past two years. And most teams (28 out of 30) don't make it that far.
Magic
Here's my question:
What do I have to ask, to get you to reply, "Nothing" ?
This should be easy :)
-Jimm
Submitted: August 17, 1999
Dear Jimm,
The answer to this question lies less in the question itself, but more on the reason for asking it. In other words, why on earth would you concern yourself on what this particular cat sees as nihilistic? Does this question stem from a philosophical argument on what amounts to nothing? Is it simply a plea to exert control where you have none? A desperate plea from someone with low self-esteem perhaps? In the end, these are questions only you can answer.
As for the answer to the question itself, there are a number of questions that would warrant the response "Nothing". Here are a few:
"What is the significance of human existence?"
"What goes well with lutefisk?"
"What would you pay for a '68 Firebird convertible?"
"How much do I get paid for answering your question?"
Let me know if you would like more.
Magic
Dear Majic,
How do we know who we really are?
Do we come and go just once or do we tend to come back to take care of unfinished business?
Do you ever stop to see a ray of sunlight glimmering over the morning dew on a flower petal and wonder, why you never noticed it before?
Inquisitive
Submitted: February 5, 1999
Dear Inquisitive,
"How do we know who we really are?"
Okay, psychologically, we never really know who we are. Actually, our minds normally try to protect us from ourselves, it is a little thing we do call projecting. We see our flaws in others and thus we like them less; we like to think of ourselves as perfect.
Now, philosophically, I would argue that's what life really is... each individual's search for oneself. None of us ever really reach it, we simply converge.
"Do we come and go just once or do we tend to come back to take care of unfinished business?"
Is this another way to ask if I believe in the afterlife [I mean past my eight remaining lives by virtue of being a cat]? How about this for a response… Although I certainly hope there is, but I'm not absolutely convinced there is an afterlife. I do think it is important for me to stress that this is strictly my belief system and I don't intend to enforce it on anyone else.
However, assuming that there is an afterlife, there's no reason to believe that somehow things will go full circle. Life is not something we can wrap up in a neat little package and put a pink bow on. We curse life when it fails to meet our expectation. We rationalize that there's a higher order that might serve to right what we choose to perceive as injustices in life. However, life doesn't owe us a thing. Life simply is. In my opinion, believing that the afterlife will somehow right those wrongs is optimistic.
"Do you ever stop to see a ray of sunlight glimmering over the morning dew on a flower petal and wonder, why you never noticed it before?"
Most flower petals I encounter don't last until morning. They are delicious! And, here in Seattle, there's typically very little sun in the mornings [or during the day for that matter…]
However, I find beauty and awe in many things that are often overlooked...
The small moment of blindness while you pass an oncoming car with its lights on, on a dark road.
The way humans accidentally bump noses when they kiss.
Mickey Mouse [yes, I'm a cat that likes Mickey Mouse; sue me…]
Maybe the bigger question becomes… When did the routine of life become so important where we can overlook the simple joy of being alive? And more importantly… Why?
Magic
Dear Magic,
Please don't diss this as a boring question, as you may be able to bridge the gap between me and the neighbor cat. (I've never owned cats before.) Besides, who else can I ask besides a cat?
There's a big bushy gray cat that likes to hang around my back yard from time to time. Name unknown. I've managed to talk to him & scratch his head & stuff. The other day, he came up to my deck. First, he rolled around on his back & exposed his tummy. That always confuses me--does he want a tummy rub, or is he going to tear my hand into shreds if I did that?
When he was done rolling, I squatted down & scratched him as he circled around me. I then stood up, and he walked away, then decided to come back---AND-- bite at my pant leg!!! (I was wearing sweats-- you know the kind w/the elastic in the waist & ankles, so it ballooned out a bit). Then he lied on his side & started batting my pant leg!! Fearing for my life, I stepped back & he'd follow me, continuing to bat! I was mortified & headed for the house & he had the nerve to try to follow me into the house, can you believe that????
Why did he bite? Was it something that I said? And if he was "playing", how do I get him to stop?? I don't understand men....er cats. Help me, Magic.
Signed,
Perplexed
Seattle, WA
Submitted: December 10, 1998
Dear Perplexed,
Sorry about the delay in my response, but I was getting things ready for my annual trip to Florida with my human. This message is coming to you from sunny Fort Lauderdale.
First, let me clarify. Humans do not own cats. They establish a human/cat relationship. Much like a husband does not own a wife or vice versa. Second, the truth is probably closer to cats tolerate humans although I have a good relationship with my human. Annual trip to the tropics, who am I to complain?
Cats are known for grooming each other as a gesture of friendship. However, we don't allow other cats to groom our bellies. Why? It is our most vulnerable spot. Now, I've developed a good enough relationship with my human to habitually fall asleep with my belly up, but this is the exception rather than the rule among cats.
There are a number of possibilities to explain this behavior:
First, this may be an incredibly friendly gesture from your neighbor cat and you may pet him. However, do note that this means that he is stating that he trusts you by exposing his belly, it does not necessarily mean that you have to pet only the belly. Also note, when it comes to petting there is a very fine line between, pleasure and annoyance. As an example, when referring to men, there's a fine line between sensitive and spineless. Whenever a human passes this point, cats normally bite, scratch, or hiss; actually, we put out a number of other warning signs that most humans seem to ignore.
Second, this cat may be a queen (female cat) in heat. Queens have been known to expose their bellies to signal to toms (male cats) that they're "ready to mate". If this is the case, she's also likely to lift her tail when petted. The one point that is inconsistent with this is that a queen's reproductive cycle is typically tied more to seasons (length of days) and this is the wrong season. Although there have been known cases where artificial lighting has thrown off a queen's cycle. And naturally, messing with a queen's belly at this point is asking for trouble…
Third, this cat is completely nuts. Hey, it happens! Before you start with blanket accusations that all cats are neurotic, let me remind you that the term going postal does not refer to cat behavior.
As for getting the cat to stop, just spray the cat with a water bottle or a water gun; if he persists spray him in the face. He should get the picture. My human and I have come to an understanding that whenever he's busy and doesn't want to be bothered, he'll keep the water sprayer handy. I've come to respect that and typically leave him alone during those times.
Hey, as for understanding men… you can submit those questions too.
Magic
Dear Magic,
My car is pissing me off. I'm thinking of getting a new car, but most currently available models lack any sort of style. What do you think is my ideal car? If you could drive (there's that damn human-centric design thing again) - what would you drive? Also, I know that new model-year cars ('99) are going to start rolling out very soon. Should I wait for a '99 model and avoid the almost instantaneous depreciation hit on buying a new '98 or should I try to use the impending end of the model year as additional negotiating leverage to get a real bargain on a '98?
- (Not Quite) Carless in Seattle
P.S. - No Fords. Not for a while anyway. Whatever happened to "Quality is Job One?"
P.P.S. - I'll be coming to visit everyday over the fourth of July weekend while your human is away. I've been boning up on my chess and am looking forward to a good game. Care to double our usual wager?
Submitted: June 27, 1998
Dear Not,
I find it interesting that so many humans happen to tie so much of their personality to what they drive, but then again I'm here to give advice and not so much to pass judgement on your value system... No matter how silly it happens to be.
Before thinking about the kind of car you should get, think about the types of activities you will be participating in with that vehicle. In other words, buy a vehicle that fits your personality instead of bending your personality to fit the vehicle. This reminds me of the new commercials where they suggest you get an SUV to meet a particular image… come on people, have a little more spine than that! Oh, sorry I said I wouldn't do that.
As for style, I happen to disagree. For example, style for wardrobe is not a matter of what you wear, it is a matter of how you wear it. For instance, a shirt, tie, and slacks can look messy on some individuals while a simple T-shirt and jeans can look elegant on others. It is a matter of how they wear it. Microsoft Encarta 98 defines style as "A quality of imagination and individuality expressed in one's actions and tastes."
The problem with cars is that, at least here in Seattle, most people are reluctant to exhibit any kind of personality in their cars. Apart from possibly customized plates, most folks are not inclined to customize their cars at all. Few paint their car a different (as in non-factory) color anymore… or get a bumper sticker that matches their personality… or get custom wheels… or tint their windows (although in Seattle this is a bit silly)… or jack up the rear of their car… or any such modifications. A Volkswagen Beetle maintained well and illustrated with an airbrush exudes much more style than a stock Porsche 911 because it exhibits the owner's personality.
I suppose that in that sense, you're right. It may be difficult to buy a new, stock car that says, "This is definitely a [insert name here] car." That's almost like looking to buy a furnished house and then complaining that the furniture doesn't suit your tastes. I think you'll find that once you add a few touches to your car, it would speak volumes about you and will definitely make it a [insert name here] car. It doesn't even have to be anything pretentious. For instance, you could keep your car spotless, even during the winter. You could keep little toy in the car… a stuffed animal strapped to the passenger seat… a hand puppet on the stick shift… a memento hanging from the rear view mirror. The list is endless.
What do you mean, If I could drive? I actually drive quite well… thank you very much. The two instrumental problems are that Washington state won't take my application for a driver's license seriously and the insurance rates for cats are astronomical, so when I do drive, I drive illegally. If I were to get a car, it would be either a Grand National or a 1963 Corvette split window, although I can only imagine that getting it registered would also be quite the task.
As for what year to get, you should decide which car you're going to get before deciding which year to get for a couple of reasons. First, if you decide to get a Miata, for instance, there are significant differences between the 1998 models and 1999 models. You may come to find that you prefer the 1998 model. Second, if you're trying to decide between something like a Porsche Boxter and a Camaro, the make and model of the car is going to dictate the price much more than the model year. There's nothing wrong with being financially savvy, but in the end it is a matter of whether or not you're willing to pay this amount for this car.
Magic
ps. I can only imagine that your recent car is a Ford and thus you're a little sensitive to getting another one. It is a shame, I hear Tauri (plural for Taurus, the Latin word for bull) are quite reliable.
pps. Oh, that's who you are. You're mailing from a different address. Uhm, sure we can double our wager... Can you afford to lose that much? Aren't you in the market for a car?
dear magic,
i have this very beautiful persian cat who is very cold towards me. since she's my 2nd feline, i know it's not it's not me. also, i'm very considerate & leave her lots of space. i never look at her too intensely, etc. i got her from a shelter, but 2 years have passed & i figure the trauma she suffered should have diminished by now. anyway, she stills keeps a room away from me most of the time. that was all about sunshine. my former cat, linny, was always by my side. btw, pls inform blue dragon that his site has a transparent effect typical of very good literary work & the finest feline meditations. all the best , magic, abracadabra.
Laura
Submitted: June 24, 1998
Dear Laura,
I have a tabby cousin, Abby, who is still a bit skittish around humans. This happens despite efforts from the human folk to get her to be more sociable.
Cats are much more like humans than humans care to admit. The simple truth is that cats, like children, typically have a reason for doing the things they do. The problem is that most cats and humans don't or can't develop their communications skills; you can always ask a child why (s)he does something. In the case of your cat, not only could it be emotional scars from the days of the shelter, but also remnants from her life before that. Seeing as though she's Persian, and probably has lots of fur, you may want to make it a friendly ritual to brush her out. In most cases, Persians welcome the help since there is typically more fur than they can handle, but remember to do it gently. It may be a way to establish a better relationship and develop a sense of trust.
Lastly, I've dated a couple of Persian cats. Although I wouldn't call them distant, they're certainly more independent and introverted than other cats. It may just be that Sunshine is simply not an affectionate cat, or that she expresses her affection in other ways.
Oh, Blue Dragon thanks you for the compliments.
Magic
Dear Magic,
If your name is Magic, why can't you do Magic tricks?? Can you do "skin the cat" on the yo-yo?? My dad can!! So you better watch out!! Why can't you turn a lady into a cat??
Bye Bye Magic,
Miles
Submitted: June 14, 1998
Dear Miles,
I never said I could not do Magic tricks. I don't practice magic in the sense of sorcery or witchcraft and all that supernatural schmeal. I do however know a few misdirection and slight of paw tricks that often impress humans, well at least gullible ones.
Can I do the "skin the cat" trick on the yo-yo? Actually, I learned that yo-yo trick by its other name the "tidal wave", which is incidentally how it is listed in the Duncan trick book. I know how to do some yo-yo tricks, basically anything that doesn't require long fingers, so I can do a "brain twister", but cannot do a "rock the baby" which is, for humans, a much simpler trick. Oh, I'll bet Blue Dragon is a better at the yo-yo than your dad.
Why can't I turn a lady into a cat? Actually, I can, well sort of. I briefly made a living as a hypnotherapist and was able to hypnotize some women into believing that they were cats. I quickly lost that job when I forgot the trigger word and was not able to bring them back. Somewhere, there's a former biochemistry graduate student who now thinks she's a persian cat.
Magic
hello Magic,
I live in a house with 2 roommates. One of these roommates has this long haired black cat, which I will call the Shedder. The Shedder has this nasty habit of shedding all over the place. This habit is worsened by his insistence on doing it in my room. Now I do keep my door closed most of the time. But in the few instances where I leave it open, the damm cat strikes leaving his calling card all over my carpet. I will admit that there are worse things then cat hair left on a carpet. But what is worse then a furball waiting to be discovered while your settling in for a good nites sleep? Now this situation has not happen yet, but I can feel its only a matter of time. So my question to you is how do I keep the Shedder out of my room?
-Whose afraid of the cat
Submitted: March 30, 1998
Dear Whose,
There's something that troubles me about the wording of your mail… I mean aside from your obvious grammar mistakes. There's definitely species prejudice. You mention that you have 2 roommates. Don't you share the house with Shedder as well? Why isn't he considered a roommate?
Now, let me continue by asking what would you do if one of your human roommates shaves (legs or face) and leaves the remnants on your bed? I would be willing to bet that you would approach this person with a certain sense of civility and ask him or her to stop.
The simple and short answer is to approach Shedder in a civil and calm demeanor and ask him to stop. Most cats are like humans and will respond to being reasoned with. I'm sure you have little idiosyncracies that bug him as well, the important thing is to establish a relationship of mutual respect. Now, if you are like most humans and feel silly talking to a cat, why on earth are you sending a cat e-mail for advice?
Magic
Dear Magic,
I have a friend who, although he lives in Seattle, insists on rooting for the Braves. He has blasphemed against the Mariners many times. I've reported him to the Seattle Center for Conformity. Although they have an extensive file on him for other incidents, they say they can't do anything about him unless I can prove that he's actually managing to convince others to follow his nonconformist ways. What should I do?
Howling Wolf
P.S. He doesn't like grunge, either.
Submitted: March 20, 1998
Dear Howling,
First, the Seattle Center for Conformity is no longer. I live in Seattle and know for a fact that my human, Blue Dragon, was instrumental in getting legistature passed to have it dismantled… A small victory for humans with backbones.
I'm assuming that you're refering to Major League Baseball; it is not explicit in your letter. The fact that you used the term blasphemed worries me, if you think the Mariners are a form of religion, we need to get you deprogrammed. What was your address again?
Okay, first let me point out that rooting for a team is really a minor point. So minor, in fact, that it almost doesn't warrant a response… Almost. Although picking a sports team is the most benign form of conformity that comes to mind, it is still conformity. The problem is that it is the first step towards believing that conformity is acceptable. If you're open to the idea of rooting for the local sports team simply because they're the local team, you're probably open to other popular local ideas. These would include being an environmentalist in the Pacific Northwest, condoning legalized gambling and prostitution in Nevada, etc. These seem fairly harmless as well, but things start to turn ugly really quickly. What about issues with abortion? inter-racial/cultural couplehood? homosexuality? Are you going to acquiese to those popular opinions? What comes next? segregation? slavery? genocide?
Many argue that separates humans from animals is free will. It's a little ironic that so many humans, pardon the expression, "piss it away". Blue Dragon has a favorite quote from Curtis, a friend of his, that I think fits perfectly, "If you're not standing on your own two feet, you're not standing very tall."
Note: I don't agree with animals not having free will, but cats, at least, seem to conceal it from most humans. My human found out when he caught me setting the time on the VCR; the flashing "12:00" was driving me nuts!
Finally, if you really want your friend to be a conformist then there's still hope(?). I'm assuming he came from the South where it is conformity to root for the Braves. [Note: I'm not including California or south Florida because they're not culturally Southern] You can point that out to him. If not then I suppose he has a spine afterall.
What should you do? Well, it depends, if he is telling people what they should adhere to a particular ideal (other than nonconformity itself) then he is encouraging conformity himself (and you may want to point that out to him). If he is telling people that they should simply decide what they, as individuals, really want/need, then he is really a nonconformist.
What else should you do? You should get him to sponsor you for a spine implant.
Magic
Blue Dragon,
Answer me these questions three and aye on the other side of knowledge ye shall be::
What is your quest?
If I think about something and it happens is it coincidence or is it something created?
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
Buddah
Submitted: March 18, 1998
Dear Buddah,
Note: Although this mail was originally addressed to my roommate Blue Dragon he suggested I answer it since the sender's mail address is no longer valid.
First question: What is your quest?
My name in lights and my very own fan club. Oh, and to play professional baseball.
Second question: If I think about something and it happens is it coincidence or is it something created?
Actually, it is delusional.
Third question: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
This question is vague. That's like asking "how many miles does a lion run"? I would counter with during the course of what? a day? an hour? a lifetime? In this case, you're more accurately asking for a rate (a ratio) not a quantity.
And in even then, it is still vague. You see, it really depends on which stage of his/her life the wood chuck happens to be in. Obviously, wood chucks in their infancy are going to be far less productive at wood chucking than their adult counterparts. So if you express this in a function like... f(x) where f is the maximum wood chucking potential per unit time and x is the age of the wood chuck. We can clearly see that f(1) and f(10) would be different.
However, if you are interested in the actual quantity of wood chucked by the wood chuck, it would simply be the area under the curve for that time interval.
Of course, if f(x) is expressed properly, f(x) should be zero before the birth of the wood chuck and similarly after its death. Unborn and dead wood chucks don't chuck wood. So getting the area under the curve should properly express the total wood chucking potential of the wood chuck during its lifetime.
So now, let's go by the law of averages. Let's assume that our particular wood chuck is neither a retarded wood chuck nor an exceptional wood chuck. If we were to calculate the area under the curve for f(x), we will come up with...
17.53 cords of wood. Give or take about 0.17 cords. This accounts for a recent decline (over the last decade) in wood chuck productivity and regional differences between wood chucks.
Magic
Hi,
I have a friend that doesn't like me anymore. I try to get him to go to lunch, play a game, or even go out for an evening of "gentlemen's" entertainment, but he refuses to do any of it. My other friend thinks its something I said, but I swear my first friend didn't hear it. I think that he thinks that what my other friend thinks is that my first friend heard it from my other friend when he repeated it thinking that's what was the problem but didn't think that the first friend thinks that it is what is really upsetting him. What do you think?
The Lonely Caucasian
Submitted: March 10, 1998
Dear Lonely,
Okay, I'll take a risk and sound like a cynic. Donald Trump and Mother Teresa (okay, I know she's dead) are driven by the same desires, to make themselves happy; they just do it in different ways. I'm sure that Mother Teresa finds her work rewarding as much as Donald Trump finds his work rewarding. I suppose the instrumental difference is the Mother Teresa is doing work with the intent to benefit others, although a true devil's advocate would imply that by doing this and thus making herself happy she is being equally selfish.
This leads me to the question of friendship. What truly defines friendship? For some people, it is merely someone with whom they share common interests. In this case, the friendship fades when they no longer share this. For others, it is when they start to care about each other and are able to empathize. I suppose the instrumental difference is what kind of friendship you have and how you perceive the friendship.
If you have the kind of friendships that are based on common interests, they will fade as soon as you no longer have common interests. People change; there's nothing you can do about that.
If you have the kind of friendships that are based on caring relationships, you will tend to grow with those friends and will remain close for a long time. It won't matter if you no longer share the same interests.
I suppose that the threshold is the same as the Donald Trump/Mother Teresa argument. When does it start to become selfless? From your letter, there's no indication that you are remotely concerned about what's going on with your friend... only that (s)he is not around to submit to your interests. Withdrawal is often a symptom of suicidal tendencies... Did that cross your mind? Furthermore, there's a lot of talk about what was said and who said it and how it was interpreted, but to cut through all this hoopla, why don't you simply ask your friend what is going on with him/her? If you can't be honest with your friends, who can you be honest with?
Lastly, I would ask you to think about what it is you expect out of this friendship. And in this case, you get what you pay for. If all you want a companion to go fishing or skiing, or whatever... that's all you'll get. If you want to a friendship that runs a little deeper, you'll have to make that investment. It requires developing trust and you'll have to open up (admitting insecurities, fears, ambitions, weaknesses) to do this.
Magic
Dear Magic,
I have a problem with my weight. I noticed at your website what a svelte, trim, girlish figure you have. Can you tell me how you do it. Is it exercise, diet, or what?
Thanks,
Plump in Pittsburg
Submitted: March 6, 1998
Dear Plump,
As a cat, I'm not able to use the exercise equipment that humans use, with the exception of a threadmill which I do use on occasion. If you have read my profile, you should know that is my pet peeve… humancentrism in the design of everyday things.
Oh, but we digress. How do I keep fit? I hunt slow, overweight humans; I don't eat them though, that would be counterproductive. Call it a sport. Hey, humans do it, why can't cats.
Now, what was your address again? I don't travel to Pittsburg often, but have some colleagues that live there.
Magic
January 23, 1998