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January 6, 2000 |
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Okay, the typical vacation day (okay, maybe not so typical). I awoke at
about 8am… a strange habit I've been getting into here in Florida. I
got my running gear on and went for a jog. It was the typical Florida
winter day… sunny, 70's, birds chirping. It was a pleasant jog.
Maintained my target heart rate while I was running, except that I
dogged part of the run. I decided to forgive myself… I
am on vacation. I had started running only a few months before
and had done so strictly on a treadmill. Somehow I figured that running on
solid ground would be considerably different, which it is, but not as
different as I originally thought it'd be.
After the run, I went to the gym. I had gotten a guest membership at LA
Fitness, which is certainly an adequate gym… outstanding even. Well, I
had already done my cardio, so I was going to do my free weights. Had you
told me a mere year ago that I would be as obsessive enough about working
out to get a guest membership, I would have told you that you were nuts.
Yet here I am with a guest membership at a health club during my vacation
in Florida. [Go figure!] That's okay, there would be a lot of
firsts today. I finish off my strength training and I head back
home. Or actually, I started to but decided to make a couple of stops.
First, I stop by a store to look around, where I also ended up getting an
art book by Luis Royo, Women. I'm familiar with his works having
read Heavy Metal magazine; it is absolutely amazing. Maybe some
day I'll be able to do similar illustrations; I'm keeping my fingers
crossed.
Next, one of my friends wanted a set of… well, it is a delicate issue.
I go into a store asking for these things and was told that, "Yes, we carry
them. Do you have the permit to purchase them?" [Uhmm…]
Well, no I didn't. Next, she suggested that my friend could fax his
permit. […a permit that I know he didn't have] Needless to
say, I didn't get the… uhmm, items, but I did stick around to look at
some of the other cool gadgets in the store. I did however, manage to
track down another store that would allow me to purchase them without any
problems. [it was in another city]
Well, during the course of the day, I broke a couple of things… one of
the ears off my Mickey Mouse pen and part of my cell phone. I wondered by
a nearby Home Depot, and picked up some super glue. I looked
around for Lily, John's little sister,
but apparently she wasn't working today. As for the glue, I'll be keeping
it in my backpack; super glue is great for practical jokes. I glued the
pieces back together without further problems.
I had plans with a friend of mine tonight, we'll call him Mike (since he doesn't want his real name used). We would be meeting up at his place. I had some directions which I had scratched on to a little sticky note, the same one where I had originally written down his cell phone number. We had made plans to go to a gentleman's club, better known as a strip club. The one we decided to go to was Tootsie's in North Miami Beach. So I show up at his place and chat with his family (he's still single by the way, just thought I'd mention that), and we take off shortly thereafter.
Mike ended up driving, so I just left my rental at his place. No biggie. He drove to the place, we payed the five dollar cover, and we were in. Cool. They had an elevated stage, with steps on opposing corners. The dancers were stunning. No big surprise there. We had worked up this silly system where one of us had to always stay behind to keep our table and drinks. He was the first to get a couch dance. We alternated for a while. One dancer, though I can't remember her name, asked me if she could, not only play with, but also pull on my hair. I must've had about two beers by this time; I acquiesced. The announcer mentioned that there were over 100 women working tonight… 122 actually, although I'm not sure if that included the waitresses, and there were comparable number of clients too. I chatted with a number of other dancers… Catalina… Rose… Kim… all very attractive. Catalina was a real sweetheart. Rose was Cuban and bilingual. Kim had a thick European accent of some sort. Sometime during the third beer, the dancer with the Hair Pulling Incident™ motioned me to the stage. [I simply cannot make this stuff up…] Then she proceeded to grasp my hair firmly and started doing pelvic thrusts with it. [No kidding] There have been many firsts today; my face being used for masturbation certainly qualified. I tipped the lady.
But oh, no… the night was not over. It must've been during the fourth beer or so. There was some special event, some contest to be specific. Well at this point of inebriation, I was only catching about fifty percent of what the announcer was saying. I was able to catch such phrases as… "I need three guys to volunteer to come up on stage…" and "… chance to win $100 in cash and a $50 bar tab". They had placed three podium-like buzzers up on stage, and were going to have a game. My friend, Mike volunteered. On his way up to the stage, he mentioned that I should do it too. I thought to myself, you know… what the hell, what is the worse that could happen? I lose. No biggie. I was the third and final volunteer. I was on buzzer number one; Mike was on buzzer number three. We each had a dancer standing behind us to assist us, which I thought was incredibly curious at the time.
Well there we were up on stage. The game was Jeopardy-like. So they asked us these questions and we each had a buzzer… well, you get the picture. Mike answered the first question correctly. That's cool. The announcer then motioned for the remaining two of us to take off a piece of clothing. [Uhmm… WHAT?!] "… after all this is Nude Jeopardy™" I guess I should've been listening more carefully. This certainly explained the cute African-American dancer standing mere inches behind me, who now motioned me to take off my shirt. Mike looked in my direction with a sudden look of panic, apparently also not aware of the rules of the game before getting up on stage. Hey, I was on my fourth beer; he hadn't had any alcohol all night.
I then wondered to myself if I was wearing the zebra-striped thong beneath my jeans.
At this point, I was curious as to how far they would take this game. I wasn't going to stress out about taking my shirt on stage. In the past, I had taken my shirt off in a restaurant, after the cute waitress prompted (dared?) me to show her my tattoo, which is on my back. I wasn't going to sweat this one. Off came the shirt, which I handed to my assistant. I managed to answer at least one question, but I was simply not with it.
Next came the shoes, I was wearing high-tops, so it was somewhat of a task getting these off. [Bloody things!] Another question… "How many eggs in a dozen?" Would you believe I missed this? Off came the socks, which were a breeze.
Note: Okay, now the rule of thumb to strip poker run along the lines of it is a single article of clothing if you can buy simply that single item. In other words, you cannot buy a single sock, so you must take the socks off as one item, similarly for shoes. Thus belts count as one item. Well, you get the picture.So I missed another question. [Damn!] So I turn around and hand the dancer my scrunchy. Okay, for those men out there who don't happen to know what a scrunchy is… it is an elastic that is used to put (long) hair in a pony tail. Many women often wear them on their wrist when they don't use it to pull back their hair. The word "scrunchy" best describes what it looks like. Well, my assistant wasn't going to have any of that! [Whose side is she on anyway?] She then points to my jeans. Naturally, she has to point out that I had a particularly festive scrunchy; it was a purple satin with a crescent moon and stars pattern. She was holding it high and showing it off to everyone. [I simply cannot make this up…] I ended up taking off my belt and that, at least, seemed to appease her. [Groan]
I did eventually end up losing my jeans. [Sigh] I took them off without protest. And in case you're curious, I wasn't wearing a zebra-striped thong. [Do you actually believe that I would own a pair?] I was wearing boxers. My friend, Mike, was winning incidentally; he was wearing at least two more articles of clothing than either me or the other poor slob on stage.
Well, I didn't get the next question. And you know what? They weren't kidding about Nude Jeopardy™… So moment of truth here. I thought to myself… I'm on vacation… I have four beers in me… and I was never particularly ashamed about being naked. I took the boxers off and handed them to my lovely assistant, who was laughing right along with me. So there I stood, up on stage in front of easily two hundred people (employees and patrons) letting it all hang out. People were cheering. You know what? It wasn't so bad. Had you told me that I would be standing in front of this many people stark naked tonight, I would've called you insane, yet here I was. Another first for me. Then I saw something come flying at me from the audience. I soon realized that it was. It was a tip; it was a mere one dollar bill, but a tip nevertheless. I had been paid to take my clothes off. I don't know if it came from one of the dancers or one of the patrons, and you know… I don't really want to know.
Well, there was still one more question for me to lose before I was officially eliminated, and the end came pretty swiftly. Another missed question and I was out, and so was the other poor slob on buzzer number two. I often wondered if it was cold up on stage for the dancers, I now know that it is not. My friend, Mike, ended up winning. I turned to my assistant, who proceeded to give me a hug and hand me my clothes. As I got dressed, the announcer handed each of us a Tootsie's T-Shirt [It's 100% cotton, who am I to complain?]. I decided to find a seat to put my socks and shoes back on; as I descend from the stage, a number of waitresses and dancers give me high-fives.
We ended up leaving shortly after. Didn't use up the bar tab, although it does have a one year expiration date. Maybe we'll come back next year, when I make it back to Florida. I'd even go back on stage again.
I still have that one-dollar bill I got for a tip. I don't plan on spending it.
January 6, 2000