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January 1, 2001 |
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Hello, I'm back. Sorry, I've been away for so long. I had been steadily
falling behind in this journal and felt more and more bogged down. There's
part of me that rationalized that I shouldn't do it if I didn't enjoy it.
Although that certainly makes sense, there was also a part of me that felt
that I've betrayed the journal. That somehow I should've been able to keep
up or maintain it, but alas that's not to be.
I suppose that maybe that's for the best too. My journal had started as
just the account of events of my day, which admittedly helped me write at
first, but later felt as if that's all it was about. The original idea was
that this would be a place where I would think out loud about things.
Maybe this is a chance for me to finally change that format.
So here I am in the year 2001, the real start of the millennium.
You know what? There was no cataclysm, no catastrophic death to all of us.
Not that I thought there would be, but there are enough people out there
who would certainly create enough havoc to make headlines.
Let me give you a quick synopsis. I'm in Florida enjoying my Christmas vacation. Incidentally, no I'm not dissing you folks who are not Christian. I'm not really Christian either; well, not anymore. Calling it Christmas is more habitual than anything else. Calling them holidays seems equally misguided; I mean, Groundhog Day is a holiday, of sorts.
I'm here with Pam, my girlfriend, and we're staying at Aileen's place. I like Aileen and Fred's place. It exudes a sense of simple elegance, which I could never hope to achieve. This is partially because I have a fondness for games and gadgets, but also because I seem to be obsessed with very bright lighting. This seems to be mutually exclusive to ambience.
We (Aileen, Fred, Pam, and I) had gone to dinner a local restaurant last night called China Pavillion and then came back to their place afterwards for drinks. It would be the first time I would have someone in particular to exchange kisses with on New Year's Day, which seemed both strange and familiar. Not that I dwelled on it for too long, but it was a pleasant and welcome change.
We stayed up enjoying a combination of drinks and desserts that we had picked up some time earlier, but eventually headed to bed. I suppose that Pam and I had different expectations, since she wanted to go to sleep almost immediately. Most nights during this trip were similar, leaving me feeling a bit alone and neglected, despite the fact that we had not been apart for too long.
I've often been accused of being too much of an engineer, often wanting to approach problems head on. Unfortunately, people are not machinery (okay, technically they are biological ones), and thus work differently. You don't have to charm a television set to get it to work. Also being predominantly an introvert, I have found that I have developed a systematic way to dealing with problems.
Cut your losses.I know that many of you would interpret this as dumping my girlfriend, but that wasn't the case. Simply put, if you factor out the expectation, you will also factor out the disappointment. However, to me, this also meant factoring out being affectionate, if not a bit distant.
Pam and I spent the following day at City Place, which is a collection of shops in the Palm Beach area. The place would've been considerably more pleasant had it been warmer. It was unseasonably cold in Florida. Still, the place had its charm and reminded me of parts of Coconut Grove in Miami and the streets of Old San Juan in Puerto Rico. It did have a hint of snottiness which set my internal alarm off almost immediately. To be truthful, it could've been Disney World and it wouldn't have mattered much.
Today I just wanted to feel numb.
Every once in a while someone refers to me as evil. This isn't because I'm a Satanist or anything like that (I'm agnostic, if you must know…), but because I occasionally do things that may seem cruel. Naturally, I disagree. Evil deeds don't make evil people. And technically, I'm not evil. I'm vengeful. I'm probably one of the nicest people you'll meet, just don't cross me…
Today was a strange day. At times I felt numb which is better than being frustrated or upset. There were times, I did feel frustrated. There's a part of me that hates to admit this, but there was a part of me that wanted her to feel alone and neglected. Part of me felt justified in making her endure what I had felt for the past few days. I knew that she felt it. I had mixed feelings about it. Naturally, I care for her and don't want to see her hurt, but simply telling her at the end of the day that "rolling over and falling asleep" wasn't addressing my needs didn't seem to appropriately communicate what I was feeling either.
Ironically, if you were to ask what was the biggest motivation for my behavior that day, I don't know if I could definitively say one way or the other. Was I trying to avoid more frustration? Was I trying to more tangibly communicate how I felt? Was I simply trying to inflict pain upon her since I saw her as the source of mine? There's probably a bit of truth to each of them.
We ended up getting dinner and a movie at City Place, and we hardly exchanged any words. It wasn't until the ride home that we started to talk about it.
Was I being cruel? I don't know. Maybe I was trying to preserve part of my sanity and pride. Despite the fact that we spent the entire day together, we couldn't have been further apart. Maybe I needed a day alone, but probably not like this.
Once we made it back to Aileen's place, I went for a walk. It wasn't very long. I simply walked off. I needed a few minutes to myself. This is when Fred called and wanted to know if we wanted oysters. I cannot make this up. I told him I was out for a walk, and he deduced the rest.
Once I got back, Pam and I talked about it some more. It was a rough time. I didn't know what the answers were; I don't think either of us did… not yet.
Today would be just another day. Happy New Year.
January 1, 2001