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"So what do you do for fun? Polish your knife collection?"-Doug Dorsey, The Cutting Edge
It's Friday the 13th. Not that I'm superstitious or anything, but I think it is kind of fun to at least make the observation. There's a party tonight; it was labeled "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" by some of the folks that were sponsoring it, which is by the singles' club at work. I get home after dinner with a friend to get ready for the party. I immediately noticed two things:
The first was a note on the door; apparently the management office is shutting off the water sometime between 10am and noon tomorrow (Yep. On Valentine's Day), which I thought was a little odd. Not a big deal actually, but it would put a damper into my morning since I would have to get up a little earlier and I'm not typically a morning person.
Oh, the second thing was the package at my door. I thought, "Cool. The knives are in." Yep, you heard that right, the knives.
Now, if you're thinking I come from a background where one might typically carry a knife. I don't. I mean South Florida is geographically south, but it is closer to a foreign country than the South. I actually carried a little hunting knife during some of the time when I was in college, and it was actually fairly useful. So I thought I would carry one again.
Now, as to which knife to get, I don't really consider myself a "hick" (sorry, if that offends anyone), so I a hunting knife was out. Not a military nut either, so they were out too. Well, I'm kind of a rebel (if not a malcontent), I figured that a butterfly knife would be kind of cool. Now, I've never handled one, but my friend Aaron said he would "teach" me. He also ordered one with me. I opened the package up, took a quick look, and put it aside. I'd deal with them later.
Okay, enough about the knives. It's time to party! So I got changed and went to the party. Other than being misdirected (Thanks, Len!), the trip was uneventful. The party was incredibly fun. I met a couple of ladies, and we ended up dancing most of the night. We were on the dance floor when it turned midnight. I thought to myself that it was a good start to a Valentine's Day.
The party lasted until about 1am. I stayed and helped them clean up a bit; I left about 1:30am. Well, got home and started to wind down. Did I forget the knives?
Tomorrow was going to be a fairly busy day. I had made plans to go and visit my little brother Lucas and install a new modem and CD-ROM drive on the computer. That would be over an hour's drive. I had to wake up a bit earlier now due to the water being shut off. Aaron had well… voiced his enthusiasm for playing with his cool new knife the moment it got in. On top of all that, I have a slow leak going on one of my tires.
So I figured that I would drop off the knife. So, it's about 2am and I'm chatting with Aaron. Meanwhile he shows me how to flip open the butterfly knife and different little tricks and moves. Eventually, I head home and stop off to get some air, for my tires that is.
Finally, I'm home. I turn on the television to help me wind down. Meanwhile, I'm practicing the new tricks that Aaron had just shown me, pretty distinct swishing sound. [Swish] I turn to a movie called Pie in the Sky, with Josh Charles and Anne Heche. [Swish] It is a movie about some guy obsessed with traffic (I'm not kidding), who thusly thinks L.A. is the epitome of coolness. [Swish… Yeow! I nicked myself] Now, I've been to L.A.; it is pretty cool, but not because of its traffic. I've seen this movie before and yet I sat there watching it again. [Swish] Now, I remember reading somewhere that Anne Heche is gay. During the love scene, I wondered that it must be a little strange for her to do that scene. [Swish] Not that I have anything against gay actors/actresses, but most people wonder about how difficult it is for straight actors/actresses doing gay kissing and/or embracing. [Swish… Ouch, again.] I suppose the converse would also be true. I've been more in touch with this kind of stuff since one of my friends came out. Then I wondered if other straight people thought about how life would be different if they were gay. [Swish] Otherwise, the movie is a romantic comedy. I then remembered that Josh Charles played a gay role in some other flick. I think the name of the movie was Threesome. [Swish] I thought that was pretty ironic. It is now 4am. The movie ends and the next one starts, which is A Time to Kill. I was thinking to myself that I was being pretty stupid staying up this late when I had things to do pretty early tomorrow. [Swish… Gash!]
Uhmm, speaking of stupid…
I'm not the type that gets hysterical under pressure. Cranky definitely, but not hysterical. I had been applying direct pressure on this wound on my finger and it really didn't seem like it was going to slow down anytime soon. I must admit that I was starting to become a little concerned. Fortunately, I'm not one of those guys who wait till he's on the edge of death before seeing a doctor. All cynicism aside, I figured that if I'm bordering on "worried," I should seek an expert. Now, it's past 4am, I have fairly serious cut and need to get to the emergency room. I know Magic is wandering around the apartment somewhere, but I'm not about to have him drive me. So I elect not to wake anyone and just drive myself to the hospital. I figured that the chances of my passing out from the wound are relatively minute.
Well, I didn't pass out on the way to the hospital. I got checked in without major incident. The young woman at the front desk was very helpful with the paper work and gave me some fresh gauze, which made me feel better. I must admit that I felt more than a little embarrassed telling the nurse how I came to have this gash on my ring finger. He took me to one of the back rooms.
After a few minutes, a woman came by and asked me to fill out some paperwork. Here I was, blood oozing from a wound in my right hand despite my applying direct pressure with my left hand, and this woman offers me a clipboard and pen. Hmm… You would figure that they might have run into a similar situation before. With a puzzled look, I explained to the woman that I was right handed and my other hand is not exactly free. She helped me fill out the paperwork, which was kind of her. After that, I sat there for some time.
While I was there two things came to mind. First, I remember this hideously bad 80's movie called Saturday the 14th, which made the claim that Saturday the 14th was worse than Friday the 13th. No argument from me. Second, I reasoned that, excluding anything that required immediate attention, the time the patient should wait for medical attention on self-inflicted wounds should be proportional to the stupidity of the injury. I'm not entirely sure that wasn't true; this was fairly high up on the stupid scale.
After what seems like a proportionally appropriate wait, the doctor arrives and takes a quick look. He tells me that I can either get stitches or he could wrap it up tightly. I'm not particularly fond of having this wound on my finger continue to bleed until it decides that it's bored and wants to do something else… like throb. And I would feel kind of silly having gone to the emergency room and only getting bandaged. So I naturally, I get the stitches. Besides, it would make a better story. So I get patched up and head home. It is now about 6am, and they're potentially turning off the water at 10am. Terrific.
When I get home, I decide to shower before going to sleep. I'll deal with the possibility of not having water to brush my teeth tomorrow. So as I'm towel drying my hair I pick up the silly knife and start playing with it again. [Swish… nick] At this point, I told myself to cut my losses (no pun intended) and go to sleep. I won't tempt Fate anymore tonight; she has kicked my ass already.
I woke past 10am, luckily the water was not off yet. I got ready and headed off to see Lucas. There was a traffic jam on Interstate 5 heading south. You're thinking… So?, but wait there's more. Now there are a number of things that are acceptable reasons for a traffic jam… evacuations, sports events, accidents, or just plain traffic. I'll even humor the idea of rubbernecking on someone getting pulled over. However, the rubbernecking was due to an electronic sign that said, "Two left lanes closed ahead. Please merge." Now, I understand the human nature to be curious, but a traffic sign? The traffic mysteriously clears up after I pass the sign.
When I get off the interstate thirty-two miles later, there's still no sign of the lane closure.… Maybe the Washington department of transportation is being really cautious.
I met up with Lucas and we have lunch. We talk about different things, I did not tell him precisely how I managed to get stitches on my finger. Okay, technically I did tell him, but I lied. I suppose that was because I was a little embarrassed about the stupid nature of the injury and because I'm not sure the idea of my carrying a knife is an entirely constructive one to an impressionable teen. [You know… he's probably reading this right now.] We finish lunch. I work on the computer and managed to get the CD-ROM drive installed, the modem refuses to work so I pull it out and put the older slower one back in. I'll try it in my machine to make sure there's nothing wrong with it. Meanwhile, I'm helping him with algebra. Right about the time I'm finished, it is time for him to leave (he had dinner plans). Bummer. So I head home. My finger is throbbing.
So shortly after getting home, I leave again to get some dinner… Alone… On Valentine's Day! But in all seriousness, it is not a big deal. On a brighter note, when I was in line on the take out counter, someone asks me what happened to my finger and I tell him. He confessed that he had done the same thing. I know it's silly, but at least I don't feel so alone in my stupidity.
Oh, for those of you in Oregon or California, if you see the two left lanes closed on southbound Interstate 5, you can sleep soundly knowing that the motorists in Seattle have ample warning.
February 14, 1998