a.. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

b.. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

c.. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

d.. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

e.. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

f.. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

g.. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

h.. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

i.. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

j.. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

k.. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

l.. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, > producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

m.. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

n.. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

o.. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

p.. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

q.. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

r.. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

s.. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

t.. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

u.. Name your dog "Dog".

fun things to do while driving

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. Listen to COOL music like Ani Difranco (my own imput:)).

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, spit out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy passionate fun.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray to roadkill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

40 Fun things to do in a furniture store

1. Take catnaps wherever possible. Claim you're taking the furniture for a "test snooze".

2. Walk up to an employee and say "Yes, I'm a table dancer and I need a new place to practice...."

3. Bring a dog along and have it lay on the white furniture while you go do something else.

4. Bring you cat and sit down and ask for its approval on the furniture.

5. Brush your dog and cat on the furniture while doing #'s 3 and 4.

6. While looking at the patterns, exclaim loud enough for all to hear "Ugly, Ugly, Ugly, Ug-WHOA!!!!"

7. When there is somebody helping you, ask them "Well, I like this arrangement, but do you have it in a MORE hideous color?"

8. Two words: pillow fights
9. Dress like an employee from a rival store and tell customers stuff like "Well, you could get this SAME EXACT SELECTION for half the price at..."

10. On the leather furniture, exclaim "HEY! I found a brand!"

11. Ask the manager if you can get a job modeling the furniture all day.

12. Make as many chairs rock as much as possible.

13. Hold tea parties in the living room sets.

14. Get in the recliners and yell "HEY! Who took the remote!?!"

15. Jump on the beds.

16. Go around messing with the display lamps.

17. Play hide-and-seek.

18. Search for change in the couches and chairs.

19. Re-arrange the props in the bedroom areas

20. Wake up out of the beds in the front of the store and start screaming when you realize you're in front of the traffic.

21. Ask other customer's opinions on how awful different things are.

22. Bring a TV and sit in the recliner section.

23. Attempt to fit into display cabinets.

24. Attempt to fit others into display cabinets.

25. Ask for the price on the furniture in the manager's office.

26. Grab a blanket, drape it over your shoulders and run around yellng "I am Batman! Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

27. Put your feet up whenever possible.

28. Wear shoes when doing #27.

29. If you want to go somewhere, go in a STRAIGHT line over all the furniture.

30. Build a fort from cushions.

31. Leave notes in the furniture under the cushions.
32. Get under the beds and yell "I'm coming for you, kiddie!" whenever people come by them.

33. Invent positions to sit in the furniture.

34. When you get in a big, cushy chair, yell "AAAAAHHH!!!!!! I'M BEING SUCKED IN!!!!"

35. Bring food. Plan on staying awhile.

36. Open out all of the fold-out beds.

37. Bring candles, act like a Goth and ask if they'll turn the lights down.

38. Pretend to be sleeping and dream aloud.

39. Ask where the coke machine is.

40. Don't leave the store until your butt has touched every seatable surface.

***BONUS*** Attempt all of the above in one visit.

Special thanks to Aiken Drum. Email him to subscribe to 'A Laugh a Day.'

50 fun things to do in an elevator