These are true!

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stole over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

These aren't true......

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything.

One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem.

The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The farmers thanked their neighbor and he drove off.

Then the one farmer said to the other, "Some stupid neighbor we have, it's not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!"

Delta's Survey Delta Airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money".

I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

A senior gas company training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman in her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Having finished the meter checks, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck -- just to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they at last came running up to the truck, they forgot to check who had won since they both realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two man from the gas company running away from my house as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returnedwith the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had avery difficult time convincing the other jurors to seethings hisway. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wantedto acquit."

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then take away.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.

The third man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"

"Yes, Strawberries."

"But they are out of season!"

"I'll wait..."

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

Special thanks to Aiken Drum. Email him to subscribe to 'A Laugh A Day.'