Painter: History has known many great liars. Copernicus, Goebbels, St Ralph the Liar (he is shown holding a sign which reads `St Benedict the Liar') - but there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor king Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his precessor Richard III as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards. In particular: Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: the history of The Black Adder!
(opening theme)
(The Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field; 21st August, 1485)
(Scene is a feast)
Richard (Duke of York): (bangs his goblet thrice on the table) Silence! Silence! For the King!
King (Richard III): (stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly) Now is the summer of our sweet content, (Made?) (err?)-cast winter by these Tudor clouds. And I that am not shaped for black- faced war, (the people gathered appropriately make noises to the contrary) I that am rudely cast and want true majesty, (more noises from the people; then he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck) Am forced to fight, To set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, And all who fight us go to Hell.
(cheers from everyone. Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, sitting at the very end of the table, stands up, raising his goblet)
Edmund: Hurray, hurray, absolutely! Hurray! (notices that he's the only one speaking and standing; sits back down, embarrassed)
King: (to Richard) Who is that?
Richard: I know not, My Lord. I'll ask my son. (he calls to Harry, Prince of Wales, who sits on the other side of the king from Richard)
Harry: It is your other son, My Lord.
Richard: (to King) It is my other son, My Lord.
King: Fights he with us on the morrow?
Richard: (pauses, then to Harry again) What's his name?
Harry: (with mouth full) Edmund.
Richard: (turns and yells across the room to Edmund) Edna, fight you with us on the morrow?
Edmund: Er, (stands again) oh goodness, no! No, I thought I'd fight with the enemy! (no one laughs; he sits down embarrassed)
King: (to Richard) You're, er, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
Richard: No, no (?). He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
King: Oh! Arrow fodder!
Richard: Precisely.
King: Yes... (chuckles, waves to Edmund, grinning; mutters between his teeth) What a little turd.
(cut to Edmund's end of the table)
Edmund: (to Percy, Duke of Northumberland, after giving a little wave back to King) Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?
Percy: No, My Lord...
(a servant pokes his head in, refilling their goblets, and speaks)
Baldrick: I saw it, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah, and what is your name, little fellow?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah. Then I shall call you...`Baldrick'!
Baldrick: ...and I shall call you `My Lord', My Lord.
Edmund: Mmm. I like the cut of your jib, young fellow m'lad! How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
(Baldrick kneels instantly)
Percy: (trying to show off in front of Baldrick, speaks to Edmund) It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Baldrick: With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose.
Percy: (still trying to show off) Well, we could if we wanted to!
Edmund: Ah, but we won't, Percy, and I shall prove to all that I am a man!
Percy: But you *are* a man, My Lord.
Edmund: But how shall it be proved, Percy...?
Percy: Well, they could look up that tree in Rutland.
(Edmund baps him on the forehead)
Percy: (?), My Lord.
Edmund: It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!
Baldrick: (restrained, of course - they're in a crowded room) Hurray!
Percy: Hurray!
Edmund: Come: a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to `go' before they don armour tomorrow! Hurray! (they clink goblets) Already I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears...
(Cut to just before the battle, outside. The following lines are spoken to the army)
King: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree!
Richard: Let blood - Blood - BLOOD! - be your motto! Slit their gizzards!
Harry: Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of, well, violence. But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
King: And gentlemen in London still in bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhood cheap while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! (he raises his sword high in the air. Our view follows it into the sky)
(Our view comes down from the sky, to see the castle. Inside Edmund's room, he sleeps in his bed, snoring, while Baldrick sleeps on the floor, using a dead dog as a pillow. There is a knock on the door)
Mother: Edmund? (opening the door) Edmund...
Edmund: Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want?
Mother: Did you want to go to the battle this morning?
Edmund: (sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and looks at it) Oh my god, it's eleven o'clock!
(Mother, smiling unconcernedly, amusedly shakes her head, closes the door)
(cut to long shot of a rise. On it we see a silhouette of Edmund on horseback. Following him at a distance is Baldrick on muleback)
Baldrick: My Lord...
Edmund: What is it?
Baldrick: Where is this battle, then?
Edmund: Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field...
(they have ridden off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund)
Edmund: Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty...
(Now we see them close up, riding together, up a rise leading to a valley)
Baldrick: Here we are, My Lord...
Edmund: Onward, Baldrick! To glory!
(Over the top of the rise we now can see banners clashing together. Edmund stops his horse at the top)
Edmund: Yes, erm, I'm not so sure we're needed, you know, Baldrick... I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting - clearly having the time of their lives. Wait a moment; some of them over there aren't fighting! They're... they're just lying down!
Baldrick: They're dead, My Lord.
Edmund: Ah. (he wriggles in his seat) Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something. Would you excuse me a moment, Baldrick? (he turns his horse away)
(Just away from the battle, King on foot meets Richard on horseback)
Richard: Your Majesty, you've lost your steed! Take mine!
King: No, no, no. I've won the battle; I've saved the kingdom; I think I can find myself a horse!
Richard: How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!
King: So be it!
(Richard rides off. King walks along, calling...)
King: A horse! (whistles a call) A horse! My kingdom for a horse! (He stops as he sees a horse - Edmund's - tied to a tree) Ah, Horsie! (He approaches the horse. Edmund, doing business behind a nearby bush, sees)
Edmund: (mumbling to himself) Who is this?
(as King bends over to untie the horse from the tree, Edmund walks up behind...)
Edmund: (drawing his sword) Wait! That's my horse! (swings his sword; lops King's head clean off. He's rather surprised at his strength but quickly gets a cocky feeling, and laughs a bit) There, that'll teach you! (He picks up the helmeted head) You won't be doing *that* again, now will you? (He lifts the helmet's face shield, then lowers the shield) Oh my god. It's Uncle Richard.
(Edmund screams. Baldrick runs up, having just parked his mule by the tree)
Baldrick: What's that, My Lord?
Edmund: Hmm? (Frightenedly tosses the head to Baldrick)
Baldrick: (catches the head with a chuckle, then lifts the face shield) Oh dear - Richard III. (half shouts) What are you going to do?
Edmund: Well, quick, quick... (he turns the body over, takes the head back and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it in steady. He moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest. Baldrick for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body through the face shield)
Baldrick: (points to something off-shot) My Lord! That hut there!
(They each grab a leg and drag the body away. The head stays behind) (They enter a small cottage. Baldrick is solely dragging the body now. Edmund enters afterward, carrying a gauntlet)
Edmund: (still entering) Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait!
(Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse)
Edmund: (closing the door) Ah, well done... (He sits on a barrel, then notices that something's missing) Where's the head?
Baldrick: I thought you had it.
Edmund: Baldrick, I can't be expected to carry everything!
(They hear someone approaching. Edmund cowers; Baldrick prepares to strike down the intruder with some sort of blunt object. The door opens, and Percy enters)
Edmund: Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?
Percy: I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! (proffers the head)
Edmund: Oh, thank God. Quick, Percy, quick - put it down and let's get out of here!
Percy: No no no no! I found it. It's mine!
Edmund: What do you mean it's yours? (tries to take it from Percy)
Percy: (defensively) I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!
Edmund: (stops trying to take the head) And which nobleman, pray...?
Percy: Er... (looks under the face shield, laughs, then holds the head proudly) Well, it's the King, actually!
(Edmund stares at Percy quite intently. Percy frightenedly tosses the head to Edmund, who frightenedly tosses the head to Baldrick, who frightenedly tosses the head in the barrel) (a bloodied, armoured man approaches the cottage and staggers in just as our three were about to leave)
Man: Lost! Lost! All is lost! (he collapses to the floor)
Edmund: What?
Man: Flee! Flee!
Edmund: Oh my god! Quick - let's get out of here!
Man: Take me with you! (grabs one of Edmund legs)
Edmund: Get your hands off! (Percy feebly helps in this process)
Man: If you leave me alone here, I'll die.
Edmund: If you don't leave *me* alone, I'll kill you myself! (Baldrick bops the man on the head with his blunt object. The man falls to one side) Now; leave him here, come on! (Edmund, Baldrick, and Percy make their way out)
Man: I'll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns!
(After a moment, the man collapses to the floor. The door opens, and Percy's head pokes in...)
(cut to Edmund and Baldrick entering the great hall in the castle. Baldrick keeps running, but Edmund stops as he meets his mother)
Edmund: (frantic) Mother!
Mother: Edmund, dear. How did it go?
Edmund: Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates!
Mother: Oh, but, Edmund, I'm not ready - I haven't had a bath or anything.
Edmund: Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here, they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle!
Mother: Ah, well, I shan't bother to change, then.
(Baldrick runs into the doorway across the hall)
Baldrick: My Lord!
Edmund: What do you want?
Baldrick: Listen!
(An army's drums can be heard faintly in the distance)
Edmund: Oh my god! They're here already! (begins to run down the hall, shouting) Run for your lives! Run for the hills!
Baldrick: Er, My Lord, they're coming from the hills.
Edmund: (still shouting) Oh, sorry. Run *away* from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way!
(Percy arrives)
Percy: No, My Lord, it's all right - they're flying the banners of our King Richard.
Edmund: Well, that's impossible - he's dead, isn't he!
Mother: (shocked) King Richard, dead?
Edmund: (suddenly not so frantic) Yes... Errr, God knows how...
Mother: Oh, dear. That's really upset the tulip cart.
Edmund: (frantic again) Those flags, Percy, are obviously just a cunning trick to deceive us into staying!
Baldrick: No, My Lord, I don't think it is a cunning trick.
Edmund: Well, no, it's not a particularly cunning trick, because we've seen through it! (locks the main entrance to the great hall) But obviously they thought it was cunning when they thought it out.
Baldrick: What I mean, My Lord, is that I don't think they did think it out.
Edmund: What, you think someone else thought it up, and they've borrowed it for the occasion?
Baldrick: No, My Lord. I don't think it's a trick at all.
Edmund: You don't think that riding up to a castle under someone else's banner is a trick? (sarcastically) Well, no, I suppose it isn't!
(There's a banging on the main door. Edmund screams and goes through the inner door. The main door has been broken down)
Percy: (He and Baldrick remain in the great hall) It's only your father.
Richard: (entering with his entourage) Who locked that bloody door?
Mother: Richard, it's you!
Richard: Well, who did you expect it to be, woman?
Mother: Why, I thought it would be Henry Tunip.
Richard: Henry Tunip? Have you lost your conkers?
Mother: So you won?
Richard: Yes, of course! *We* won! We won! Victory!
(General cheers from his entourage)
Mother: So, I suppose now *you* want to ravish me...
Richard: (shocked) Yes, yes, in a moment... (turns to Lord Chiswick, one of his entourage) The woman's insatiable! (shouts) Three cheers for good King Richard! Hap hap! ("Huzzah!") Hap hap! ("Huzzah!") Hap hap! ("Huzzah!")
(Edmund appears from the opposite end he left, behind the group)
Edmund: (weakly) Huzzah...
Richard: All we need now is for King Richard to be here, and the day shall be complete!
Mother: Yes, what a pity he's dead.
Richard: (shocked whisper) What? Who told you that?
Mother: Well, Edmund. (nods to his direction)
Richard: (he and the group turn to face Edmund) Is this true?
Edmund: (quite intimidated, as well as fearing for his life) Errr, well, I wouldn't know, really. I was...nowhere near him at the time. I... I just...heard from someone that he'd, er... er... I mean, I don't even know where he was killed. I was completely on the opposite side of the field. I was nowhere near the cottage.
(Everyone questions that last statement, with stares)
Edmund: ...not that it was a cottage - it was a river. But, then, I wouldn't know, of course, because I wasn't there. But, apparently, some fool cut his head off...or at least killed him in some way...perhaps...took an ear off or something. Yes, yes, in fact, I think he was only wounded! er, or was that somebody else? Yes, I think it was. Why, he wasn't even wounded!
(Harry is staggering in behind Edmund, carrying the headless corpse, and the crown)
Edmund: (not noticing Harry) Why, did someone say he was dead?
Harry: Yes!
Richard: What!
Harry: It's true, My Lord! I stumbled on his body myself! Oh, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth! (He places the body on the floor, and lies on top of it)
Richard: Er, yes...
Harry: Good night, sweet [king? (It's not `prince')]...
Richard: Yes, yes, that's enough of that, thank you, Harry...
Harry: ...and flights of angels sing thee to thy (?)!
Richard: Thank you, Harry... (shouts, annoyed) Thank you, Harry! (angered whisper) Yes! ...and we all know who did this dreadful deed - (he looks at Edmund) don't we?
(Edmund slowly nods, as a sort of confession, and closes his eyes, preparing to have his head cut off)
Richard: Henry Tudor!
(Edmund's nod increases in speed, he opens his eyes and grins)
Richard: Yes! and he still roams free! (He shouts quite loudly) Harry, call for silence!
(Everyone is silent)
Harry: (shouts) Silence! (He slowly lowers the the crown onto his father's head) ...for the King! (Everyone, including Harry, kneels or bows before Richard)
Everyone but Richard: Long live King Richard IV!
King (previously `Richard'): This day has been as 'twere