Edmund: Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you, where you'll both rot in the filth of your own fornication!
Queen: And what did you say to *him*?
Edmund: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window.
Queen: Oh, Edmund! You're so naughty!
Edmund: Well, I try, Madam. And ten minutes later, when I've got my breath back, I try again... (sticks his tongue out of his grinning mouth)
Melchett: Perhaps now we can turn to more important matters of state.
Queen: Oh, must we?
Melchett: I fear so, Ma'am. It's a tragic case - my old tutor, Lord Forest. His son has been kidnapped, and he begs you to help pay the ransom.
Queen: Edmund, what would you say?
Edmund: Well, as you know, Madam, I've had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Ozrick.
Melchett: Well, then, you know something of the dreadful pain involved.
Edmund: Indeed I do, and can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.
Queen: Which was?
Edmund: `Get stuffed.'
Melchett: Blackadder, you would jest over a young man's life?
Edmund: For `young man' read `young idiot'. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say, `Excuse me Meester,' and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get. (leaves)
(In the Corridor)
Baldrick: Oh, hallo, you're in good fooling this morning.
Edmund: Thank you, Baldrick.
Baldrick: I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...
Edmund: Oh, good. (leaves)
(Edmund comes out of the next set of doors and meets a pair of German guards)
Guard: Excuse me, Meister...
Edmund: Yes, what is it?
(Guard 1 motions Edmund to Guard 2. Edmund leans over to hear what Guard2 has to say. Guard 2 points to the back of Edmund's head, where Guard 1 hits Edmund over the head with a big stick)
Edmund: I said `What is it?' - not `Hit me hard on the head wi-' (collapses)
(In the Queen's Chamber)
Queen: You know, Melchy, I've completely changed my mind about that Forest bloke. I mean, he's obviously very stupid, but we can't go around punishing people for that, can we?
Melchett: Certainly not, Ma'am.
Queen: No - if we went around punishing people for being stupid, Nursie would have been in prison all her life.
Melchett: A very piquant observation, Majesty.
Queen: So I *will* sign this ransom, but it must be the last. (as she writes the order) Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.
Melchett: Surely not `Hope to die', Majesty.
Queen: Er, oh, alright, I'll cross that out... Er, here you are. Sorry about the smudge.
Melchett: Thank you, Ma'am. (leaves)
(In the Corridor)
Guard 1: Excuse me, Meister...
Melchett: Yes? (Guard 1 motions Melchett to Guard 2. Melchett leans to Guard2. Guard2 points. Guard 1 hits)
(In a Prison)
(Edmund wakes up; Melchett is with him. They are tied back-to-back)
Edmund: Oh, God, God, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. (looks around) Where am I?
Melchett: (groans) Ooohhhh...
Edmund: Who's there?
Melchett: It is I: Melchett.
Edmund: Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. It's a real mess!
Melchett: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped!
Edmund: Oh, God... How incredibly embarrassing!
Melchett: As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!
(Insane laughter of Spanish Torturer)
Edmund: (as though he's about to meet someone stupid) Oh, God, who's that?
Torturer: (leans to Melchett, says something in Spanish)
Edmund: Just wait a minute! If anyone is going to be spoken to around here, it's going to be me, alright? Tell him, Melchy.
Melchett: Certainly. (points behind him, to Edmund, as he and Edmund wiggle around so Edmund faces Torturer) Parlo con lui - no mio (something) - parlo con lui.
Torturer: Ah, bueno. (looks at Edmund) El Je'fe! (Says same thing he said to Melchett)
Edmund: Ah, that's better. (pause) Now, what's he saying?
Melchett: He says he would like a word with you.
Edmund: Uh huh. Anything else?
Melchett: Yes. He says he would like to torture you as well.
(Later. Edmund, in a small box with his head, arms and legs sticking out (legs shackled as well) is alone in the prison with Torturer. Torturer is turning a key in the box presumably to move spikes into Edmund's body)
Edmund: Right. Now, am I, by any chance, addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition?
Torturer: Te gusta, la (?) de la Inquisicion!
Edmund: (not understanding a word) Good... Because, if I am, I wish to make it quite clear that I am prepared to tell you absolutely *anything*.
Torturer: Habla puer (?)
Edmund: No speako dago. I demand to see the British ambassador, *understand*?
Torturer: (winding some more) Necesito silencio para comesa.
Edmund: Oh for God's sake! Look, how can you question me if you don't speak English?
Torturer: No! *Yo* pregunto las questionnes!
Edmund: Alright, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from dialects of...
(In the corridor outside Queen's Chamber)
(Queenie and Percy are playing frisbee)
Percy: (catches, holds the disc up triumphantly) How's that!
Queen: Percy, who's Queen?
Percy: (drops disc) Whoops! Butterfingers!
Queen: Ah, so I win again.
Percy: Yes. Well done, Your Majesty!
(They enter the throne room. Nursie is feeding Baldrick by hand)
Queen: There's definitely been no sign of Edmund.
Percy: I fear not, Ma'am.
Queen: Why (?) he vanished? Simply vanished...
Percy: Like an old oak table...
Queen: *Vanished*, Lord Percy - not *varnished*.
Percy: Forgive me, My Lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely vanished. 'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire. And on that same terrible night, his house and all his other things completely vanished too. So did he, in fact. It was a most perplexing mystery.
Queen: Lord Percy?
Percy: Yes?
Queen: It's up to you: either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.
Percy: (squints, thinks very long and hard about it) I'll shut up.
(In the Prison)
(Edmund and Torturer play charades in an attempt to communicate)
Torturer: Bastardo!
Edmund: Baa-taar-do... Barrister.
Torturer: Bastardo!
Edmund: Embarrassing. You're embarrassing. *I'm* embarrassing.
(Torturer clenches his fist, and curls his left arm underneath his right, and points it straight up in a familiar gesture)
Edmund: Er, er, rogering!
(Torturer makes a very-fat gesture over his abomen)
Edmund: Er, pregnant!
(Torturer acts like he's cradling a baby, and makes little baby noises)
Edmund: Baby! Baby!
(Torturer acts like he has tossed the baby)
Edmund: Bathwater!
(Torturer shakes his head, then holds his ear)
Edmund: Sounds like... oh! `Bastard'!
Torturer: (excited at Edmund's correct guess) Si'! Si'!! No este terminado. Hijo. Hijo!
Edmund: (not knowing that `hijo' is a word, guesses by the sound of it) Donkey.
(Torturer shakes his head, puts his head in his hand)
Torturer: (holds his hand horizontally above his head) Padre.
Edmund: Big bastard...
Torturer: (lowers the hand to a very short height) Hijo.
Edmund: Little bastard.
Torturer: (walking masculinely, speaks deeply) Padre...
Edmund: Man...
Torturer: (bends his knees as he walks and makes baby-like noises again) Hijo.
Edmund: Boy. Man, father... Oh! `Son'! I'm a bastard's son.
Torturer: (gets on his hands and knees) Perra! (pants)
Edmund: Thirsty... Thirsty bastard.
(Torturer barks)
Edmund: Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, `dog'! Dog. Right, dog.
(Torturer, on his knees, moves his hands to indicate breasts)
Edmund: Woman.
(Torturer goes back on his hands and knees)
Edmund: Dog.
(Torturer does the breast gesture again)
Edmund: Woman, dog... *bitch*! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!
Torturer: Si'! Si'! (shakes Edmund's hand)
Edmund: In that case, you are a fornicating baboon.
Torturer: Que?
Edmund: Oh dear. Er, *you*...
Torturer: (points to Edmund) Tu? (sees Edmund is pointing at him, so he points at himself) Yo...
Edmund: You, er, fornicating... Yes... I can't really do it in this box...
(Later)
Torturer: ...tus testiculos.
Edmund: My, um, ah yes, those, yes...
Torturer: ...sobre un fuego grande.
Edmund: ...over a large...
Torturer: Fuego, fuego. (makes fire motion with his hands, then blows on the tips of his fingers)
Edmund: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let's recap. Um...if I admit that I'm in love...
Torturer: (interjects) No! No! (rolls onto his back)
Edmund: Sorry - head-over-heels in love... (Torturer makes various motions to indicate each thing) with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument...
Torturer: Una (polan~a?), una polan~a.
Edmund: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite (obscured by laughter). Um, and roast them over a large fire.
Torturer: Si', si'.
Edmund: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and... and... all his... his little wizards, (Torturer again is making appropriate gestures for each item) you will hold me upside-down in a vat of warm marmalade.
Torturer: (holds his hands out, expecting more) ...*y*...
Edmund: *And* remove my testicles with a blunt... oh I see. Well, well, in that case, I love Satan.
Torturer: (excited) Ohh ho ho! (produces instrument)
Edmund: Oh, it's a *scythe*...
(In the Queen's Chamber)
Queen: Oh, I don't know, I've looked everywhere.
Percy: (with a finger to his temple as though he's being psychic) Perhaps... they're not... hiding... at all! Perhaps... they've been... kidnapped!
Queen: Nonsense! ...what Edmund said: `Only real idiots get kidnapped'.
