How the Atlas is Wrong

How the Atlas is Wrong
Or
Why I shouldn't be allowed free time.

By Colin Morris

Introduction
1.0 Actual Introduction

Theorem 1: The Too Much Crap Theory

2.0 Crap
2.1 More Crap
2.2 Our Crap
2.3 Conclusion

Theorem 2: The Down The Drain Theory

3.0 Introduction
3.1 Porceline Telephone
3.2 Throne Room
3.3 Conclusion

Introduction
Why the heck is this waste of good electrons permitted?
1.0 Actual Introduction
Mankind has long sought to prove his presence in the universe; as though waking up every morning with a throbbing hangover and the sun turned up to "Direct to Brain Radiation" wasn't sufficient for him. Peoples the globe over have looked up into the stratosphere and thought "Is my God watching down on me", or "What are those twinkling lights", or "Please stop hitting me, take my food its yours." Copernicus postulated well before that time that the Earth was not the center of the universe as was previously thought[1]. He was ridiculed and stoned for his ideas, a lesson that freethinking is not to be encouraged.

Another un-conventional fellow was Columbus, a man with a liking for clean living and monogamy as long as it wasn't him involved, sought to prove that the world wasn't flat by sailing round the other side to India, and instead landing on Columbia. A lot like proving a gun isn't loaded by firing it at yourself and then being hit by a bus. This was, of course, completely ignoring the fact that the greeks had proven it via scientific process, otherwise Atlas woulda been more into discus than the hammer throw. However, thanks to the efforts of these and other suicidally thoughtful people, the globe has been almost completely mapped out. Wrong.

This thesis puts forward the theorem that all atlases/atlii today are still deep-rooted in the egocentric thought patterns of humans everywhere. As the cartologists were based in the "northern" hemisphere, they placed that collection of dirt and sundries on top. In the tradition of freethinking people with too much spare time, I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all atlii have a single flaw. They're upside down.

Theorem 1: The Too Much Crap Theory
2.0 Crap
In the universe, there truly is only one constant. Stuff. The universe has got a whole lotta stuff in it, everything in fact. From this point forward, all of the odds and bods in this spiraling edifus of coruscating wonderment shall be referred to as crap. Now, even if you disregard Newton's theorems, managers and politicians prove that crap carries weight. Weight is the pull two pieces of crap exert on each other. It's thanks to the force of weight that most of us have our feet firmly on the ground. Unlike SOCOG managers or right-wing politicians.

2.1 More Crap
The more crap an object contains, the heavier it is. A simple experiment can be carried out to prove this theorem.

Hypothesis: The more massive the crap, the more weight it possesses.

Equipment:

a)A bowling ball

b)A feather

c)Someone you don't like.

Variables:

Gravity

Air pressure

Traction of running shoes

Procedure: 1) Stand a fair distance from (c), holding (b) in right hand, whilst (c) holds (a).

2) Have both you and (c) hold their respective equipment over right foot.

3) Both you and (c) release equipment.

This should prove a number of theories, depending on the third variable. The main conclusion to be found is that Lotsa Crap has more weight than smaller crap. Now, lets have a look at the globe...

2.2 Our Crap
As you can see in the following picture, the congregation of continents is generally in the northern section of the planet. That an awful lot of crap (or a lot of awful crap), and as Atlas would tell you, its pretty damn heavy. Why do you think he held the earth so he had one giant ice pack on his shoulders? Turning the examining eye to the southern section reveals mostly water, with a few scattered continents. Comparing the two, the northern section obviously has the edge in the weight department, at least another rank or two over the flyweight southern. Now, if you have a ball with a heavy end and a light end...which way's going to point down?

Not just continental masses need to be taken into consideration, however. The Northern Hemisphere has the largest mountains, the biggest countries, the most population and the hugest arseholes imaginable. The Southern Hemisphere has Africa and Australia, mostly desert; South America, mostly bitumen highways to logging areas [logs taken to the Northern Hemisphere I might add], and New Zealand, mostly sheep.

2.3 Conclusion
A simple conclusion can be drawn from these facts. According to current atlas theory, the world is top heavy. This would mean that, considering no-one's holding it up, it should have fallen over quite some time ago. Its current rotation isn't enough to support such large landmasses and crap in its northern section. So, by simple application of modern physics, the model of the earth is standing on its planetary head.

Theorem 2: The Down The Drain Theory
3.0 Introduction

And now we move to the second axiom to hold up this fly-paper of truth. As many people know, the Swiss invented all sorts of clock related paraphenalia. And its lucky they also descided on one time scale, otherwise no-one could sleep due to the constant cookoo. Not to mention it'd be in swiss, so no-one could know what the birds were complaining about. However the Swiss, in no fault of their own, were born in Switzerland. Another northen country. They did, however, choose the right time scale. Clockwise.

3.1 Porceline Telephone.

Now we approach the crux of the thesis. Clockwise is the way time proceeds. Counter, being the opposite, isn't. That is, it is the opposite, and isn't the..actualsite... Counter-clockwise is backwards. Now, lets examine the universe from a virtual vantage point somewhere above the north pole, preferably life sustaining. Looking back toward the birthplace of humanity, we see it gently rotating on its axis. Counter-Clockwise. Logically, Earth should not an opposite to us. It is our home, our leafy green and earth brown comfort blanket against the stark horrors of the universe. It should be pro, for. If the view point arcs around the longtitudinal line of your choice to the south pole, looking back the Earth moves in a clockwise motion.

3.2 Throne Room

A simple experiment can be performed to demonstrate this rotational actuality. As if you didn't see that coming

Hypothesis: Just like people in a gravitron, tummies on the edge whirl in relative motion to their position, water should go down tubes in relation to spin.

Equipment:

a)A toilet (Any accessible drainage port can be substituted. Toilets are just more blokey.)

b)A watch

Variables:

Position on Earth's surface

Half, or full flush

Procedure: 1) Ensure toilet unoccupied.

2) Ensure toilet survivable for 10 seconds.

3) Looking at water in bowl, flush a) and compare to direction of second hand on b) [If its a digital...spin around to your right]

Now, those in the Southern Hemisphere will find that the water in the bowl moves in its correct clockwise direction, whereas the poor Northerners will find dispair. If you're on the equator...actually if you are, tell me what happens. That sounds kinda interesting.

3.3 Conclusion

After we've wasted some of our planet's valuable liquid resources, examine. Clockwise is the passage of time. Clockwise, logically, is the progression of the universe; without the universe there'd be nothing to time. So, clockwise would be the natural way of observing universal order. This only happens with the new view of the atlas.

References

[1] My Dad told me so, so there; 1999;

Contact: C.Morris@mailbox.gu.edu.au
Date Last Modified: 17 Aug 1999

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