During the years 346 BC to 632 AD, John De Baptiste made many profound prophecies. His greatest period of prophecy (during The Middle Ages) produced the astonishing volumes "La Vérité", "Thou Hast Not A Clue", "The Sacred Book of Skagloth" and his recently discovered collection "Je suis God".

Below are some extracts of his most impressive works (printed in their original French) and their English translations.

  
 

The Life and Death of Princess Diana		  
   
  Jolie princesse aux cheveux d’or,
Embrassée par ses sujets.
Morceaux de machine sur son visage,
Entourée de grenouilles,
Traînées de morceaux de Rôti sanglant.		 Beautiful yellow-hairy princess,
Fondled by her subjects.
Machine patterns on her face,
Surrounded by Frogs,
Bloodied piece of meat splatters.		  
  Obviously, this verse portrays the horrific body-splattered-death of The Princess of Wales. In the original translation, the word "Rôti" (which means "a joint of meat") is a clear rhyming word-play on "Dodi" Al Fayed, the Harrods playboy and coke-snorter, who got flattened within the cage of his own BMW, and ironically, when the rescue-workers arrived he looked like "a joint of meat".  

 

  The Life and Death of Elvis Presley  
   
  Gros porc étincellant,
Meurt en faisant ses étrons.		 Fat glittery pig,
Dies during defecation.		  
  This couplet comes from the epic verse "Le Gros Porc", which is an amazing account of the life of Elvis Presley. These lines are the closing couplet, and reflect the sad death of the obese, deep-fried-banana-and-
peanut-butter-sandwich-washed-down-with-14-cans-of-Coca-Cola bloke.		  

 

  The Mary McAleese Presidency  
   
  Putain Frétillante Fabuleuse,
Regarde-toi.
Madonna aux trois enfants.
Sur ton trône.
Pissant sur les Celtes.
Les Celtes idiots.		 Fabulous Frisky whore,
Look at you.
Madonna with three cunts.
On your throne,
Pissing on the Celts.
The stupid Celts.		  
  In this verse, De Baptiste subtly predicts the Presidency of Mary McAleese. In his original text he capitalizes the words "Frétillante Fabuleuse" (FF, clearly referring to Fianna Fáil, the leading political party in Ireland) and he calls her the "Madonna" (a reference to her name "Mary"). Her presidency is clearly reflected by the throne, and the wretchedness of her ugliness and the disgracefulness of her becoming president is expressed by her "pissing on the Celts".  

 

  The Life and Death of Nostradamus  
   
  Un idiot raconte des histoires,
Il pense qu’il est malin.
Mais il n’est pas aussi intelligent que moi.
Il ne sait foutre rien.
Ce con débile mourra dans la douleur
Le 2 juin 1566.		 A twit who tells stories,
Thinks he’s very clever.
But he’s not as clever as me.
He hasn’t a fucking clue.
The silly cunt will die in pain
On 2nd June 1566.		  
  De Baptiste has encountered many false prophets and prophet-wannabes during his life, but none annoyed him more than the prophet Nostradamus. This verse was written in 1302, two-hundred years before the birth of Nostradamus, and extraordinarily predicted the exact date of his death. De Baptiste reveals this with a delighted tone of bitterness and gloating.  

 

  The Spice Girls  
   
  Etoile de profit à cinq branches,
Qui mariera le prophète?
La Pouffe Chic avec le nez de cochon?
Ou la Rouquemoute au gros cul?		 Five-pointed star of Profit,
Who will marry the Prophet?
The Posh Tart with the piggy nose?
Or Redser with the big arse?		  
  Many of De Baptiste's prophecies remain unsolved to this day, and many are being deciphered day-to-day. This verse is a fine example of a recently interpreted prophecy. In this verse he foresees the commercial success of five dog-ugly, mongo-faced, cock-smoking, piss-drinking wenches. Curiously, he asks "who will marry the prophet?"... Did he mean himself? Time will tell.  

 

  Alien Visitation (2013 AD)  
   
  2013 après J.C.,
Môugets du ciel,
Galions argentés éclairent le ciel.
Instruments de torture annale
Assombrissent le ciel.
Des hommes tireront dans le ciel.
Pour protéger le ciel.
Les gens regardent le ciel.
Sur Ciel,
Le ciel.		 2013 AD,
Muggets from the sky,
Silvery galleons light the sky.
Instruments of anal torture
Darken the sky.
Men will shoot into the sky,
To protect the sky,
People watch the sky,
On Sky.
The sky.		  
  Here is a prophecy that has yet to be fulfilled.  

 

  The Second World War  
   
  Sacré bleu!
Qu’est-ce que tout ça?
Qui est l’homme avec la p'tite moustache?
C’est un fou qui saigne.
Il doit être arrêté,
Par la volonté d'acier des Alliés
(Guidés par les Français).
P.S.Et surtout ne restez pas à
Nagasaki le 9 août 1945.		 Bloody hell!
What’s all this then?
Who’s the bloke with the lickle tash?
He’s a bleedin’ madman.
He needs to be stopped,
By the Iron Will of the Allies
(No thanks to the French).
P.S. Stay the fuck out of Nagasaki
on August 9th 1945.		  
  In this passage, De Baptiste talks about a crazy bloke with a "lickle tash" who starts a war and kills lots of people. Who could it be? The Department of Evil Studies, in Boston University (MIT, Massachusetts) have done extensive studies, and they think it might be Hitler.  

 

  Gary Numan  
   
  Voitures.
Débile au visage pâle
Portant du rouge à lèvre.
Nouvel Homme.
Voitures.		 Cars.
Pale-faced goon
Wearing lip-stick.
Numan.
Cars.		  
  The 1980's amateur pilot, Gary Numan, is the surprising subject of this prophecy.  

 

  William Shakespeare (The Great Bard)  
   
  Pourrais-je te comparer à Liberace?
Se démarchant comme une grande folle.
Ecrivant des poèmes sur des
Petits garçons.
Je sais ce que tu complotes.
Je te connais.
Tu ne me berneras pas.		 Shall I compare thee to Liberace?
Mincing great puff.
Writing poems about
Little boys.
I know what you’re up to.
I’m onto you.
You don’t fool me.		  
  Like many other historical figures, Jimmy Lambert (Aka, William Shakespeare) was a fraud and a pick-pocket. De Baptiste exposes the fallacies of Shakespeare in his six volume epic "Baiseur de Garçons" ("Boy-Porker"). Contrary to the popular adulations piled on Shakespeare by an adoring public, De Baptiste's book purports Shakespeare to be a cheap pimp of doggerel (and the book also claims he had a hair-lip, and never laid with a woman over 14 years of age).  

 

  The Invention of Television, Video and the Porn Industry  
   
  Mettre la petite boîte dans
La grande boîte.
Regarder la plus grande boîte.
Parfait!
Peintures parlantes
Décrivent des actes sexuels.		 Put the little box in
The bigger box.
Watch the biggest box.
Nice one!
Talking paintings
Depict sexual acts.		  
  De Baptiste predicted many technologies centuries before their invention. Among them, he predicted Pop Tarts, the Helicopter, Drive-thru Burger King's, the Rubik's Cube, Colonic Irrigation and many other wondrous and monumental inventions. De Baptiste owns a large chain of video stores in Europe called "Bizarre Tastes", and is an active campaigner for the legalisation of hardcore pornography in Ireland.  
 



Forthron The Evil



John De Baptiste



Chewed Giblet

  
 


 
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