TERRESTRIAL TAKE THAT TALES
Once in a land far away,
There lived a giant who was gay.
He wore purple shorts and a bright pink shirt,
His house was spotlessy free of dirt.
He lived up a plant, marajuanna, infact
Which was growing in Rob's garden, out the back.
Rob was a rich man but now he was poor,
Since Take That had sacked him and kicked him out the door.
Then one evening at about half past six,
Robbie checked on his plant and grabbed a few sticks.
He went back inside and sparked up a cone
And before long he heard the ring of the phone.
"IT'S GAY ELTON HERE, FROM ATOP YOUR SHRUB,
WONDERING IF YOU FANCY A DIP IN MY TUB?"
"Boy, golly gosh, gee whiz, cool...
Elton John's got himself a pool!!
I'll be right there, in almost no time!"
Whooped Robbie as he began his climb.
Meanwhile, a bit further down Rob's street,
Walked four young lads, who were scuffeling their feet.
Mark, Howard, Gary and Jay
Had come to apologise to Rob today.
They missed his his smile and his cheeky jokes
And the way he'd always cheesed off Ray Cokes.
"Jason should deliver the speech to Rob",
Said Marky, "if I were to do it, I'd break down and sob".
"Not I", said Jay, "Robbie said mean stuff 'bout me,
I'll get upset, leave the apology to Gary"
"What's that you say? Are you out of your mind?
Robbie's been rude, obnoxious and un-kind...
Especially to me, there's no bloody way
That I'll apologise first, Oh Master Jay!"
"Okay, Gaz" piped up sexy Howie,
"I guess the speech is really up to me".
They all arrived at the front of Rob's door,
They knocked upon it, then knocked some more.
"It really don't look like there's anyone home,
I guess we really should have given him a phone!"
"What's that?" Cried Howard, "It sounds like yelling!"
"It does!" Cried Jay, "But from where, there's no telling!"
"Now, now, Lads" Said Gaz, "Use you heads"
"It's coming from way above Rob's flower beds!"
"I do think you're right, Old Fellow, Old Chap!"
Said Mark, re-adjusting his Liverpool cap.
"I think Rob's in trouble up that very tall plant,
I would climb and save him, but I'm afraid that I can't"
"That's right, Marky", said Gaz, "You're too small,
Let Howard save him, for he's nice and tall."
"But I'm saying the speech!" Said How, "Doing my share!
Let Jason save him if he really does care."
"I'd love to be a hero and save Rob from the leaf,
But destroying nature is against my belief!"
'Oh, okay, I'll do it, since it has to be done,"
Said howie, "But don't think I don't know you wanna perve on my bum!"
Howard pulled himself up on to the lowest bough,
The cries from above were growing louder now.
Howard climbed and climbed, never once did he tire,
And soon he smelt burning and in dismay thought "fire!"
But there was no fire, when how reached the top he saw,
That it was just Elton's joint, that was left smouldering on the floor.
"ROBBIE!" Cried Howard, "ROB, WHERE ARE YOU LAD?"
"I'M IN HERE!" Cried Rob "SAVE ME! ELTON'S TRYING TO BE BAD!"
"I'M ON MY WAY, BOB! HANG IN THERE MATE!"
Howard sprinted like the wind to save his friend from his fate.
When he reached the room where Rob and Elton were,
He saw that Elton was dressed in leather and fur.
'I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR PLANS MAY HAVE BEEN"
Said Howard to Elton, "interesting as they do seem..."
"Come on Robbie, let's get you out of here,
Let's go back home and crack open a beer".
"No" Said Robbie, "Drinking's not for me"
I'm done with the booze and the drugs thanks, Howie"
"But Rob", said Howard, "I thought you were into that stuff"
"I was...before Elton brought out the hand-cuffs...
It made me realise that to know what's going on
Is a lot more important than sucking on a bong."
"That is the best thing that you could have said"
Cried Howard as they landed back on the flower bed.
Howard and Robbie explained to the others
What had gone wrong, then they all hugged like brothers.
"We missed you Robbie", said Mark through his tears,
"You realise foolishness", said Rob, "through your fears"
One day, Nigel cam back from a meeting smiling in excitement. "The Queen of England is giving a special party", he said, "and I'M invited!"
Mark was ordered to bring down Nigels finest suit and the rest of the day was spent with Take That preparing Nigel for the party. Robbie polished his shoes for him, Howard syled his hair, Gary filed his nails, whilst Jason and Mark made phonecalls ordering a limousine and champange. When Nigel was finally dressed and ready for the party, he ran to the mirror to have one last look at himself. "I look far more handsome than you five do!", said Nigel. He began to leave, but turned back to taunt Take That one last time. "Don't you just wish you could come with me?!" he asked. The lads looked at each other and nodded sadly. "Yes", replied Jason, "but we weren't invited, only people as special as you get to go to the party."
"Exactly!" cried Nigel, he then began to laugh hysterically as he walked out the door. Then he left for the party in his limo.
Take That sat quietly in the kitchen. "Banoffi Pie, Gary?" offered Howard. But Gary just shook his head sadly. Howard took the slice of Banoffi and threw it in the bin. Then he noticed something he hadn't before. An envelope addressed to them all, someone had obviously scrunched it up and disposed of it, with out them knowing. Howard picked up the envelope and shook it free of soggy tomato and eggshells. Then he proceeded to read the letter within. "Look at this, Lads!" he yelled excitedly, shaking the letter in their faces. Robbie took the piece of paper and began to read it out loud. But he soon gave it to Mark to read, his dyslexia was playing up..."You are invited to the party of The Queen of England...we would be delighted if you could sing your hit song, 'Relight My Fire', as that is the corgies favourite..." Mark turned to Howard. "That's brilliant, that is. But we can't sing 'Relight My Fire' tonight. "Why ever not, Mark?" asked Gary. "Lulu's not here, is she?" replied Mark. Just then, a brilliant light flashed accross the room. Take That all looked up, to see a fairy with red hair floating above them. "Lulu! You're here!" cried Jason. "And you're flying!" cried Mark. "Hello Lads, nice to see you all...are we ready to leave?" asked Lulu. She then reached into her pocket and pulled out a small jar. Taking off the lid, she took out a pinch of curry powder and sprinkled it over the five guys. "What the hell..." began Rob, but Lulu silenced him. "It's fairy dust", she said, "now you can fly". "Don't be ridiculous, you fool!" said Gary. "Aahhh! Look at Howard!" screamed Mark. Sure enough, Howard had risen at least a meter off the ground and had begun to fly slowly accross the room. "Let's waste no time", said Lulu, "let us be off! To the party!!" "TO THE PARTY!!" yelled Take That, and the six of them flew out the window.
Nigel came home from the party earlier than expected that night. He'd begun to feel slightly sick and had left before Take That even arrived. He walked to his house, but in his in-toxicated state, he went to the wrong one. He got himself a glass of water, brushed his teeth and went to bed. The front door opened and Tony, John, Brian and terry (East 17) walked in. They began to get ready for bed. Suddenly...
"Someones been using my cup!" cried Tony.
"Someones been using my toothbrush!" cried John.
"Someones sleeping in my bed!" cried Brian, "and it's a male! Eeewww!"
"Really?" asked Terry, excitedly.
"It's Take Thats manager!! Double Eeewww!" cried Brian. With all the commotion, Nigel woke up. When he realised he was in the wrong house, and whos house he was in, he got up screaming and fled into the night.
