This week: Noel and Liam Gallagher

LAWLEY(the interviewer): Good morning. This week, my castaways are two remarkable brothers who between them have taken the music world by storm. With their outrageous antics, they have hit the headlines on many occasions and not always for the right reasons. Nonetheless, there is no denying the power of their classic songs such as "Roll With it", "Wonderwall", and "Parklife". They are, of course, Oasis and-

NOEL: Parklife were a fookin' Blur song, yer stupid cow!

LIAM: Orright, our Noel, anyone can mek a fookin' mistake. Can I sit next to you, Sue?

NOEL: Gerrof! I were sitting here first!

LIAM: Aaah, you fancy Sue Lawley! You fancy Sue Lawley!

NOEL: (blushing furiously) I fookin' do not! You do!

LIAM: 'Ere, Sue, we don't really have to go to a fookin' desert island, do we?

SUE: No. This is...just for fun.

LIAM: (to Noel) See! I told you so!

SUE: Err- Noel, tell us something about your childhood, from all accounts it's a fascinating and at times harrowing story.

NOEL: Eh? Well it were alright.

SUE: Alright?

NOEL: Aye. Alright.

SUE: Er- Liam, would you like to elaborate at all on that?

LIAM: Aye. It were alright, ya know? Alright, like.

SUE: I see. Perhaps we could have your first selection.

NOEL: Ahem. My first selection, Sue, is by the group, The Beatles-

LIAM: Ahahahahaha, hark the puff tranna sound posh cos 'e's on Radio 4!

NOEL: Fook off yer twat or I'll fookin' twat you, I'm warning yer! Sorry about that, Sue. Er- pardon my French, listeners. My first selection is "We Can Work It Out".

LIAM: Is it fook! It's "Hard Days Night"!

NOEL: "WE CAN WORK IT OUT"!

LIAM: "Hard Day's Night"! "We can work it out" were a Paul McCartney song! Only schoolgirls, puffs, women, and old biddies liked McCartney songs! Lennon songs were for MEN!

NOEL: Scuse me, Sue- (Turns around and twats Liam)

LIAM: OW! Oww...bastard! If you're listening, our mam, our Noel just twatted me for no fookin' reason!

SUE: Well, er- actually, there isn't time to playeither selection so if we could move on. In 1992, you formed Oasis and by 1995, you were internationally famous. Reflecting on your meteoric rise to fame, what are your thoughts?

NOEL: Well, it were sound.

SUE: Sound?

NOEL: Aye, sound. Sound, like, y'knoworrimean? Sound.

SUE: Liam, how about you?

LIAM: Aye, sound. Like our kid says. Sound, like.

NOEL: Yeah, sound.

LIAM: 'Ere, Sue. Mek us a fookin' fried egg sandwich, would you? Only 'ad time for a can of lager this morning.

SUE: (with a sigh) Later, perhaps. Your next selection, please. Perhaps something not by The Beatles.

LIAM: "All You Need Is Love"!

NOEL: Fook off! "Come Together"! It's about coming together, like, as one, only a thick twat like you wouldn't understand that!

LIAM: Well, "All You Need Is Love" is about mankind fookin' learnin' to love one another only you're too much of an ignorant cunt to fookin' appreciate that!

NOEL: It's "Come Together" or I'll fookin' bray you!

SUE: (hastily) Actually, this bickering means we've come to an end of the show.

NOEL: What, four minutes? That were short.

SUE: Just time to ask what luxury you'd both like to take with you to your island.

NOEL: (giggling) I'd like to tek you, Sue.

SUE: (rolling her eyes) Really? How amusing. And you, Liam?

LIAM: I'd like a fookin' fried egg sandwich cooked by you, Sue, heheheheh!

SUE: Right. Thank you. Next week on "Desert Island Discs" some 90-year-old dowager.

NOEL: Fook me, I just farted!

SUE: What was that?

LIAM: Nowt, Sue. Yer alright, heheheheheheheheheheh! (some months later, Liam and Noel are shipwrecked when their Luxury cruiser, "The Lady Patsy" runs aground)

NOEL: (sitting on desert island) No sign of fookin' Sue Lawley...

LIAM: or me fookin' fried egg sandwich! Bitch...