From: "De Fish!"
To: please.send.money@scotland.yard
Subject: help dad !!!!"!
Date: Tue, 23 Jun 1998 12:19:48 +0100
hhhhi alllll
weeeeeeell a quick rundown of my current situation - I'm currently
sharing a room with a burly fellow
called 'biffer' and a wino called 'slldjsfdvsdfg'. (sp?)
how didd i get heere in such dazzling company ? (biffer told me to write
that in)
okay well as you all know last night I went to the opening preview night
of andrew lllloyd-webber and
jim sssteinman's musical "whistle down the wind".
thee day went as well as could be expected I got up and had a hearty
breakfast at the hostel headed around the market places for sopme cheap
shoes, in the weekend i managed to pick up a cheap jacket and trousers
so today i went to earls court and knightsbridge (don't ask why) then
remembered that petticoat lane had some dodgy stuff when last i was
there so heeeaded that way and thge carbon monoxide fumes in the
caarrriage almost put me to sleep....
anyway i got the shoes and headed back to the hostel to get prepared for
the 7:45 pepformance..
i decided to don my normal outgoing clothes of black etc, my shoes have
taken a bit ofg a battering lately - more about and my nightclub
exploits later if i am allowedd. i tuirn up to the aldwych [not a typo]
theatre, just down the road is 'buddy' and 'miss saigon' outside the
theatre there are thenormal set of people plus a few policemen (ggrr
bastardsss) - no policewomen (ggrr bitches), i take a couple of snaps
from outside to taken in the scene. the hotel next door is hosting the
south african cricket team (ggrrr - ummm nice guys!!).
(biffer is south african I think so I'd better put that in!)
lots of people dressed up very spiffy in tuxes and low cuts tops - the
women folk wore stuff that l;eft little to the imaghination as well,
lots of jewellry.
anyway a couple of weeks ago i bought the tikcet for the first preview
show dated 22nd june. vut a little after that i saw papers mention it
was the 17th june was the start date./ eh ? I thought ?
well as it transpired by reading a fellowe patrons program the 17th was
supposed to be a royal gala performance thingie but the ceiling or some
of the set broke down so it was put back to this date !
what swell luck.,, the royalty attending was hrh princess alexandra -
nah i have never hearad of her before eioyther.
anyway while waitig i get talking to the photographer fgor ok magazine,
there a re a few papparazzi around
and a few barriers which aren't actuallt neeeded as we are all
wellbehaved at the m,oment.
we wait longily for perhaps an appearance by lloyd webber or steinamnn.
but no go, the princess arrives and we have tpo part way for her, i
think about taking a snap but decide against it, not wanting too look
like a tourist. whioklst waiting also i got talking to an old lady, and
she was in nz for 30 years before coming back home. okay so we file in,
- looking down from above are the 'better people' (toffeeee niced cunts
- biffer wrote that) the theatre is about the smae size as the st james
so it's pretty small and fels intimate.
(whoosrsr thhhats what ai lieke to read abotuaf - the wino worte that)
(nooo eye ddidd notttt !!!"!"!"£!¬ - the wino again yes you did - me)
we walk past the notices saying that yhere willber livesnakes during the
performance.
okay well the performance starts off in a church and sound s great, very
choral and great !
by the way I am siiting 6 rows from the ront, I was lucky to get it cos
I was a single person.
the kids int he choir take off and the stage literally lifts off thre
stage to reveal the other stage which is used for outdoors scvenes !!!
okay well to cuta long story short the story is about some children who
find
an escaped convicty in their barn and believbe it is jesus christ (the
first utterence he says when they find him ;-) the feed him and shelter
him and ask things of him, anyway the townsfolk find out so go to catch
him but he sets the barn alight and disappears, okay a lot happens
inbetween.
the show was 2 hours, the songs were okish, out of about 12 there are
about 2-3 standouts. to me that got the crowd going and had the steinman
touch to it, that is, they were bombastic and loud 9whichI don't tbiunk
much of the audience appreciate) and like all him othert songs they went
on for a while.
the best parts the audeine loved were tyhe chilkdren singing, and the
first solo performance buy the lead male whjich was very powerful and he
was in great voice.
during intermission i hobnob at the bar and stand next to one of the
famous people her, but forget his name but he is on uk english tyv
shows, an old fellow with distinguished mustache etc, not windsor davies
thopugh.
i approach him and say 'what a wheeze eh ?' no recognition ;'did you
bag another of those fuzzie wuzzies again ?' still nothing 'so england
are doing well in the gaem aren';t they ? (in ref. to any sporting thing
that may be happening at the moment ?' still no reply but he goes red
for a bit.
one last try i say 'how do you make your moustache stand up like
that?' "I use liquid conrete"
yay , so he isn't canandidan or a happy dad.
oh yeah after the performance for those people there isa dinner on a
boat with sir john mills etc.
i also shout a girl that looks like ytheone from captain kremmen an ice
cream cos the smallest note she had was a 50 pound note.
okay back to the show. oh yeah the last song was goodf in that the top
stage went halfway down so people were underneath it singing /psarring
against the people above.
probably like everyone else i was worried the stage would fall down and
crush summa.t
okay well it dragged a bit near the end buty at the end we clapped,
though no standing ovation a shame.
oh yeah thelead lady lottie mayor (whoosaar) was great sounded just
like julie andrews !!!
(whoosarss !)
we file back out again and i grab 2 programs and decide to wait for
ropyalty and get my camera at the ready after 20 mins or so after she
congratulates the company she comes out and the pavement is awash with
bright flashes. the papparazzi shout out to her and move up front, i say
what the hell so push my way up as well.
they shout ;look over here your royal highness; and she does. i shout
the same but she doesn't respond.
after a few halfhearted attempts i
suggest a different tack and shout out "SHOWS US YER PEARLY WHITES!!!"
as ipush past the copper and accidently fell to the ground at her
feet.........................
well as many of you know i have a great love of the english language and
tyhe thing called cock-knee.
but how was i to know the rules had changed and that what i had said
actually nooowwww translatyes to
"shows up your tights" - well as you can guess the cooppers quickyl
pounced on me, it wasn't rea.lly needed.
my glasses surevived but not my 2 front teeth or 3 of my fingers,
reallyt not necessary at all.
' no speekee ennnglesh' i say, they reply 'goddam commie' and kick me
even harder.
suffice to say i survived and i am now residing for an indeterminable
period at the victoria street poilice station.
they did not allow me to pmake a phone call as isaid iwanted tyo call
home to nz, he he they do not have a sne of hujmourr here . as you can
tell they gave me a laptop to use as they would not alllow me to use a
pencil to write on paper as they say they are not sure of my psychiatric
state so won't allow me any sharp objects in the cell and i refused to
write in crayon - sly eh ?!
it's is pretty good here free boarsd just what i was hoping for so so
far my by overseas trip is going to plan. the roomates are good and keep
giving me funny adoring looks.... (cos we loves ya soonny - biffer)
whooah, the winoe just upchucked on the kepybooaarrddddddddddd
ssssssssso betteeeeeeeer finshhhh nnnooowww
aaaaanyway so that is why dear readers iiii do nnnnot have a photo of
hrh prinnnnncess alexanddddra and lord ogilvey when they pppppassssssed
by right in front me...
so dont' ask me if i ever get home to new zealand why i passed up such a
terrific photo oppertunity, i tried i really am.
-----
From: "De Fish!"
To: back@the.chain.gang
Subject: allegro non troppo
Date: Wed, 24 Jun 1998 16:07:34 +0100
weell i am back heree again things weeree looking up toiday.
last night i didn't get much sleeep as it was quite noisy in the room.
and i did't .like the way the other guys weree looking at meee.
i did manage to get my one phoencall so i phoned up richard heere, a
londoneer i know for a chat. he told me of a shooting for i think 'men
behavving badly' in which the episode/movie is based on new romantics
from the 80s music eetc, so there will be gary numan and other 80s music
stars there so i will try to turn up for that as they are calling for
background crowd etc. problem is it is the same day most possibly as
the princes concert in the park - i should explain about this actually.
the conert is to raise funds for the princes trust (as in charles) for a
fund for something similar to yougn achievers. i have managed to get the
list of artists performing, the whole concert is from 1pm to 8:15pm !¬
playing will be ; all saints, boyzone, gary barlow, julian lennon,
lionel ritchie, ultra nate, lutrecia mcneal, the mavericks, connor
reevers, eternal, natalie imbruglia, simple minds.
the latter band jhave released new album here plus there are a slew if
techno remixes of all their old songs e.g. jam and spoon remixing don't
you forget about me (if I remember correctly).
anyway back to the clink i managed to pleead diplomatic immunity by
baffling them with bullshit and babbling insanely. they reckoned i was
coping pretty well with london so let me go with a warning and one last
kick to the teeeeth - i manged to head back to the hostel round
lunchtime and just hit the sack for a weell-deesvered sleep.
anyway one I woke up in the evening and went to a chinese place down the
road that sells punnets of rice/noodles etc for 1.50 pounds which is
darn cheap, i got duck with my rice as well !
well i was feeling on the top of the world !! so decide to shell out and
head finally to the walkabout pub (aussie/nz pub) for a quiet drink and
made a note to try to stay outta nooise and troublee.
on the way I pass crowds if people trying to buy tickets for the sold
out dave matthews band concert at the venue next door (shepherds bush
green).
anyway back to the walkabout pub, as it happened it bodded pretty well
cos inthe pubb were hundred of yougn brazilians to watch the game
against norway. GREAT ! i thought after the match it'll be party time as
it'll be joyy all around and great loving in the streets !!
...
anyway after the police and bouncers settled everyone down after the
game i breathe a sigh of relieef as i most certainyl would've been
picked by my black eye, bandaged fingers and mising teeth etc as an
engilsh football hooligan.
anyway all was nice and calm for the free music acts coming on... first
was a 3 girl r'n'b group called honeyz who sang 3 songa nd they got
eveyrone dancing as best they couldll.
next up was someone i wanted to seee lloyd cole ! the crowd was still
bouncing and expecting more dancery music etc but behind the curtain
emerges a man and an acoustic guitar who mangeeed to sing 5 songs
(including easy pieces, she's a girl and i'm a man, brand new friend)
before the crowd got nasty expecting some more upbeat music .. i tried
to calm them down explaining in whos great presense they were basking in
but no go (as this entailed having to explain the whoel decade of the
1980s music scene, what a flock os seagulls is and what a 7 inch is)
anyway after cries of 'show us show us' the staeg was mobbed and i was
caught up in it..,.
so here i am again sharing a cell with a lively bunch of brasillians
still chanting somethingg and waving their flags about, the scots are
inthe corner having withdrawal symptoms and some norwegians are prompted
up against the bars takign some blows to the back of the headd....
anywa i have to go , the the brazillians have made some friends with the
norweggians want to use the powerpoint here and have some strange
looking wirey thing in their hand...
hopefully tomorro will be a brighter day for all conerned, i need to get
out by this comign saturday cos the premiere drum'n'bass club called the
blue note is closing down on saturday due to noise restrictions - it is
in a residential zone, so all metalheadz such as goldie will be
performing there from 6pm onwards until they get closed down....
the flyers looks really good so i will try to score some for some of
you...
darryl
p.s. someone pls call my da...
From: "DE Fish!"
To: help.me@hell.co.uk
Subject: death and the maiden
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998 18:02:54 +0100
well they're leting me have a short note out...
i am still tryiong to get hold of the new zeealand consull here but no
joyy.
because opf the nature of the crimes i am being put into solitary
confinementtt so i may be off the net for a few days though there is a
power plug here int he room for use of somethingg.
at the moment they are cfracking down on hooliganism due to the world
cup fiascoo and monica seles legs so to stop any furhter problemss they
could be locking me up fgor the duration of wimbledon.
food ain't badd and i feel i am getting healthier.. i have got some
facial and body cleansing syuff here, it comes high speed out of a
industrial strength hose so i can feeling the cleanest i have been for a
long time. though my teeeth are a b it 'rattly' now.
i feel like jeff goldblum, oh yes, george michael sends his love !
see you all laterr,,.
pls write to anme......
