Our story begins with my nephew, growing up faster than you can say "Uncle" and about to celebrate his 16th birthday. Like most kids his age, he has 2 of everything, 3 of everything else, and a back up in case the first 2 break. So I was quite perplexed for a good idea of what to get him for this on-rushing event. The days were slipping away and I had to act fast. With no where else to turn, I sought out his mother for some ideas. When all else fails, turn to Mom. She recommended that I get a game for his computer that he had been wanting for a while called "Companions of Xanth". I was familiar with the Xanth series myself and thought this would be a pretty neat game we could all enjoy.
Now the problem with acquiring this game was that his computer was a (say it with me now) MS-DOS system, so I couldn't really hit up my favorite Software companies for the game. So my sister gives me this nifty catalog from a company called "DellWare", which just happened to have the game on CD-ROM, and at a great price of $19.00! Not familiar with this company at all, I read through all the fine print, deciphered all the policies for returns and what-nots, and dialed their convenient toll-free 800 number to place the order. After navigating their "Automated SuperHighway" for customer service, I made my menu selection and someone answered right away, eager and friendly, ready to take my order. I asked if the game was in stock. They said that yes, in fact, they had it in stock. I said, "Groovy, gimme a copy". They took my credit card number and tapped some keys and then pointed out that a "Free CD" came with any order off that page in the catalog!
Free?
Never one to turn down something free, I inquired. It was a sampler CD filled to bursting with wonderful things that would make my lackluster life complete and worthwhile. Did I want the free CD? Oh, yes friend, very much so. So then the time arrived for choosing a shipping method. They asked me if I wanted the game "overnighted" or "second day aired". I had a handful of days before the birthday celebration bash, so I chose second day. They totaled my order, thanked me, patted me on the head and sent me on my way. Ahhh, the gift puzzle was solved!
So naturally I assumed that two days later I would get the game (and the freebie CD!) and everything would be, as they say, hunkey-dorey. Two days went by, no package. THREE days, nothing. FOUR days, nada! By this time my antiperspirant was pushing critical mass and the day was almost upon me! With order confirmation number in hand and a bead of sweat on my brow, I dialed up DellWare. I listened once again to the "Automated SuperHighway", and made my choice for "order status". I then spent the next hour (yes hour) on hold, listening to the greatest hits of the Bee Gees. Needless to say, this did nothing to improve my mood.
Totally nauseated, I hung up and tried the number again, this time selecting "press 1 to place an order". As before, it was answered on the first ring, by someone friendly and eager to get their greasy clutches on my credit card number. I asked them if THEY could check my order status since the person on the Customer Service line was obviously out somewhere watching paint dry. He helped me out and together we discovered that the title in question was backordered and would not be in for another two months. "TWO MONTHS?!?!", I exclaimed, "I was told it was in stock!" The person was very apologetic and asked if he could do anything else. I told him he could cancel my order and go to..... almost forgot, this is a nursery rhyme. He said it would be no problem, that my order was cancelled out, to have a pleasant day, and to please call DellWare again for all my computing needs. Eventually my eyes stopped rolling back into my head and I was able to keep food down again.
So later that night, I made a trip to the mall to try to solve the riddle of the birthday gift once again. This was a wednesday night and the birthday was on saturday, so it wasn't a problem finding something good for my nephew. And then, the very next day, without warning, the game arrived.
Well, I was mad. I did my usual rant, rave, shout at the sky in anger bit, then calmed down and collected myself. I figured my nephew REALLY wants this game, it still came in time for the party, so he will get two gifts from his most excellent uncle. But wait, where is my free CD? I figured it was too good a deal to be for real, wrote it off as incompetence and forgot about it. Two days later, the free CD arrived in a separate package. I wasn't at all surprised. I mean, I called and cancelled the order, so why shouldn't I get EVERYTHING I cancelled? The day of the birthday came and went and my nephew turned cartwheels in delight at his gifts, said that I was in fact a most excellent uncle, and plopped down behind his PC, eager to play the game. The game worked fine and he even got a bonus CD. His happiness made me forget my dealings with DellWare. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could dare to hope and dream again. Three days later, the billing invoices from DellWare arrived, and the bottom fell out of my universe.
Well I looked them over, frowned a bit, and looked them over again. I was not at all surprised to see that they had billed my card full price for the second day shipping and handling of a package that came in six days, even though it wasn't supposed to even exist and it was cancelled anyway. What I WAS surprised to see was that they had charged me $9.00 to OVERNIGHT THE FREE CD TO ME!!!! My blood pressure hit the Top Ten all-time high score list, and my head started to ache. I saw life through a haze of red as I located DellWare's number, veins in my forehead slowly throbbing. I dialed the number...
... and we danced.
I was expecting to stay on the line for an hour waiting for service like the last time, but this time DellWare had some extra special treats for me to try and make my head pop. I hit the appropriate choice for customer service and waited. This time it was answered immediately by a robotic, monotone voice informing me that due to a recent move, my call could not be answered from that number, and would I please call DellWare's new number at XXX-XXXX. So I hung up and dialed the new number. Another monotone voice came up, telling me that due to a recent move, my call could not be answered from THAT number EITHER, and would I please try Dellware's new number at YYY-YYYY. SO I hung up and dialed ANOTHER new number. AGAIN I got the same response but this time (get ready for this), the new number thay gave me was the FIRST ONE I HAD DIALED TO BEGIN WITH!!!!L
With no where else to turn, I hit the choice for sales again, knowing full well that someone would be eager to answer THAT number. I spoke to a friendly sales person who said she couldn't help me with billing problems, and to please try customer service at blah blah blah. I told her about my adventures on the "Endless Customer Service Wheel of Fun", but she said she would have to forward my call there anyway. I said, "You better not." She said, "I'm going to." I said, "you.... better.... not!" She said, "I'm going to!" .....and she did! Now I was once again riding the "DellWare Wheel of Headaches", bound for customer service hell in the proverbial handbasket.
Rather than go around on it again, I got off the ride, caught my breath, and tried the first number again. By this time I was hitting any and all number choices, desperate and panic stricken, just to get someone to help me! After hitting the one hour mark again, I finally got someone in customer service. I explained to him that normally I don't mind paying second day air on packages that take a week to arrive, but I can't really see paying overnight fees on free CDs that take 10 days. He replied in a slow texas drawl, "Well, that ain't much of a free CD, now is it?" I agreed with him that no pardner, it truly ain't. And it was finally agreed upon that I would not have to pay the shipping fee, my card would be credited, and would I please consider DellWare for my future computing needs. Oh yes, my good man, I'll be sure and call you again soon (heavy sarcasm).
And now, for those of you who stuck it out and listened to my whole drawn-out fable, here is today's moral: If you've got a favorite mail- order software company, stick with them. Even if their price is a few bucks higher than brand X software, stand by them and they will probably stand by you. Us Amiga owners have to deal almost exclusively with mail-order in these Amiga tough times, what with Amiga supporting software stores being a thing of the past. You know, I'm almost glad that DellWare doesn't carry Amiga software, I would hate to have the good Amiga name tainted by the overpowering stenchof this lowly company whose name I have grown to dread the sound of.
Dr. Torgo
Get your own Free Home Page