FINAL DESTINATION

Ok, maybe not so much on that last one.

But man...... that guy... what a scream.

And he is the unseen "star" of FINAL DESTINATION.

Final Destination is a movie about Death, all Death, and nothing but the Death.

It's a gory little scream-fest produced by Glen Morgan and directed by James Wong, two guys with a taste for the twisted that have worked together on TV projects like "The X-files" and "Space: Above and Beyond". In fact, much of the time I was watching FINAL DESTINATION I felt much like I was indeed watching a longer, gorier, episode of THE X-FILES (but without anyone running around yelling "SCULLY!" every 5 minutes). Here's the story in a nutshell.......

A high school class has decided they want to go to France on a class trip, and that they want to get there by plane (makes sense to me so far). Once on the plane, a geeky senior gets a strong premonition that something is about to go horribly wrong (I can sympathize, I feel it almost daily as my wheels hit the edge of the parking lot at work) and has a vision of how all of them are going to die horribly on the plane (it's not the in-flight Pauly Shore movie marathon, it's a big-ass explosion). He freaks a bit (understatement), and in the confusion he and several classmates, as well as a better looking teacher than I EVER had in school (played by X-FILES and SPACE: ABOVE AND BEYOND alumna Kristen Cloke) get booted off the plane. They are all bumming and whining for missing out on France, when suddenly the plane goes up in a fireball hotter than Halle Berry wearing nothing but dental floss. The plot ravels and unravels and ravels back up again over the next hour and a half, and it turns out that they are all really supposed to be dead, and that Death, one way or another, sooner or later, by hook or by crook, is going to come calling on each and every one of them. You can run, you can hide, you can join the cast of Survivor, but Old Saint Death is coming to town. Much like my passion for run-on sentences, it simply can't be avoided.

But it seems Death has seen too many James Bond flicks.

The goofy part of Final Destination is that when Death finally DOES catch up with each and every member of the Survivor team, rather than just vote them off the island with one mighty sweep of his gnarled and bony hand, death comes across like a Bond villain with a Rube Goldberg fixation. I'll explain.......

We have here two scenarios. One is the real life scenario, and the other the "Rube-Goldberg-Super-Bond-Villain-with-a-flair-for-theatrics-who-really- loves-his-work" scenario. Let's see if you can spot the difference....

In scene A, Claudio is about to be killed...

The gun fires. Claudio is dead. Sorry Claudio, we're just as upset as you are, pal.

In scene B, Claudio is about to be killed...

The wind blows the curtains, which then get ignited in the candle flame. The smoke detector from the burning curtains goes off, frightening the cat (his name is Shmooples), who leaps off the bed and onto the dresser, knocking over the perfume bottle with the loose cap. The cap then rolls off the edge of the dresser and starts the roller skate rolling across the room, as the perfume dumps to the floor and starts to spread in a menacing-looking puddle. The roller skate hits the table and bumps the candle, which falls to the floor and lands in the puddle. What happens next is a well-timed explosion just as Claudio says "Gee what a pleasant aroma...........".

And Death claps his hands and squeals in delight once more, jumping up and down like a little girl.

Ok, put your pencils down, please. Did you figure out which version of Death is featured in FINAL DESTINATION? Are you wondering if Shmooples got out alive? Are you wondering why a guy named Claudio wears perfume?

It all seems a bit silly after watching the film, but while it's taking place during the movie it works beautifully to build up some great suspense. Instead of wondering if this character, who we have watched grow from just a credit on the screen to a living breathing teen-geek, is going to be killed or not, we KNOW he or she is going to die. We just don't know how. And so Death, watching over the "Mousetrap" gameboard that is the world laid out before him, snickers and giggles and turns that plastic crank that will start the ball bearing rolling, which will make the plastic boot knock over the pail, which will make the big plastic ball fall out the bathtub drain, which will flip the plastic "diving guy" off the teeter-totter and into the big tub, which will cause the mousetrap to drop, which of course.........

Eliminates you from the game. Yes indeed, sucks to be you.

FINAL DESTINATION is not a great movie, but it's a fun movie if you like suspense and don't mind the gory scenes too much. Some scenes seem a bit goofy, even though I really don't think they were intended to be, and the film includes a couple of "BOO!" scenes that will make your popcorn go flying across the room. But BE CAREFUL, because that loose popcorn bucket will only knock over the iron, which will burn through the rope, which will drop the 16-ton weight, which will flip the teeter-totter............

And we wouldn't want to see you get hurt.

As always, until next time, the balcony is condemned.
Dr. Torgo

PS: For those of you still wondering, Shmooples DID make it out unharmed. Thought you'd like to know. As for Claudio wearing perfume, your guess is as good as mine.