Hiding my pregnancy from Justin was the worst mistake I made. I know Justin would have been capable of loving Reece to his fullest potential. I knew the way he was with children and his younger half-brothers. Justin was incredibly sensitive and caring, extending his privileges on devoting his attentiveness to children. But now being reminded of the severity, I remembered why I had made that decision to leave Justin in the first place. Though Justin loved children, I never thought he would be ready for his own. I didn’t think he would accept what had happened. I didn’t want to handle the rejection and humiliation. Becoming pregnant wasn’t something I neither had expected nor was even ready for at that point in my life. I at best wanted it to be easy for Justin. I knew that it was a burden I had to carry on my own. All I wanted was to ignore the situation, to forget about it ever happening.

Having a child at my age has caused people to pass judgment upon me for what I am not. In the beginning, I was humiliated and embarrassed for being pregnant. It’s overwhelming the reaction you get from some people. They respond to you in such a way that can bring down your self confidence, making your worth feel nearly inexistent. For a while, I really let it affect me. But I realized my mistake and I was making my own bed. I learned to impede out the negative energy I felt and not be subject to others criticism. I fleetingly ignored all the apprehension that I bestowed upon myself and my whole view changed once Reece was born.

I devoted every ounce of my time and energy into caring for Reece. Some may call me overprotective, but I consider it enhanced nurturing. I had never been so guarded over anything than I am with her. For the first year of her life I wouldn’t let anyone other than my parents look after her. I took her nearly everywhere I went, though there were the times that I did need for myself that became a struggle. I wanted to get a job, but with Reece and the conflict in my father’s scheduling, it was a tough process. I knew that I would never put Reece into daycare no matter how difficult it became. A few months after Reece’s first birthday, I came into contact with a girl named Chasitty. Chasitty was in connection with a local day care center that she offered to assist me with. However, I wasn’t enrolling Reece into the school, I was being hired. That was the part-time income I’ve made for nearly the past year, enabling me to have a job and be with my daughter at all times. I believe that it was definitely a blessing.

Moving away from home, the opportunity to meet new people didn’t present itself often. I was finished with school, unemployed, and a full-time mother which didn’t allow me the ability to make connections with anyone easily. Once I started working at the day care, I then began to get out more often, taking more of an initiative to indulge myself in downtime. Through the intensity of my hectic schedule, I created the ability to have time for myself once more; becoming regular at the gym and day spa, rejuvenating my health and fitness again.

I even tried dating again. But every time, I wouldn’t let myself have any feelings for someone else. It never worked out. I never allowed myself the opportunity to find someone new. By that time it seemed pointless to even try. I then made excuses for myself that I didn’t want somebody to deal with my having a two-year-old child. I felt that if I wasn’t with the father of my baby, there was no need to be in a relationship with anyone that Reece would have to adjust to. I couldn’t expect anyone to remotely understand. I felt as if I was betraying myself somehow because I would always be devoted to Justin. Though Justin was no longer in my life, my heart still belonged to him. I felt that Justin was my soul mate. We had a stronger connection with each other than I thought could ever exist between two people. It’s not anything I can even explain through words. Unless you’ve felt it, there’s no way to comprehend my resonance.

I had no intentions of replacing another man in my life. I wouldn’t bring myself to starting something new without finishing what I had left first. Besides, Reece didn’t need a replacement father. She needed Justin. She is such a brilliant, happy, little girl. You would never know she was being affected by growing up with that missing part of her life. For her sake, I tried to make myself consider that I was the only one suffering. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was only hurting Reece by keeping that away from her. That was just my way of being stubborn. I did that a lot to cover up my own guilt. I knew I was lying to myself but I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I made a terrible mistake for my daughter.

Early into my pregnancy, just moving into my father’s house, I would sit out on that wooden swing nearly every night, my hand gracefully communication with the budding life inside. One night closer to my delivery, I sat as tears coursed down my cheeks, my hand laying upon my stomach.

‘I don’t understand how or why this was happening. I was full of abundant joy and immense confusion at the same time, as the many emotions pushed themselves into my conscience. The exceeding pressure was overburdening. My state of dejection left me emotionally lifeless. I don’t know if I should be more upset or guilty or even angry for my foolish acts. Leaving my world behind is one of the most thoughtless things I could have done, yet staying probably would have brought as many troubles upon me, if not more, as I had now.

It must take a weak-minded individual to vanish from her life just to make her quandary disappear. Who would leave the father of their baby, their childhood friendship, without any word just to strengthen their self from digression, when only it made the hurt more consistent? I didn't think I could ever be so selfish as I was; my blame becoming worse every day I lived apart from Justin, every moment that passed that I kept this secret. He had no idea what had happened, nor did I think I would ever tell him, at least not at this point. At this moment I was too disfigured in my thinking to make any decisions on what I should do with the rest of time. It passed even more slowly knowing I was the epitome of a lie, the intent that I was hurting the most important people in my life.

It didn't matter what my mother had tried to suggest to keep me at home, I was too stubborn to listen. Mind over matter, my righteousness had faltered, leaving me in the hands of shame. Darkness began to fill the emptiness in my life, overlaying my positive attributes. Guilt seeped its long, dark fingers around my entire body. I straightened my back, pain shooting upright. My contractions were coming more frequent and I know I will be going into labor soon. I know that if I keep this mindset up, my delivery would carry problems. No matter what I did to myself, I only wanted my baby to be safe and healthy.’

And she was. Now, Reece is growing up so quickly. It didn’t even seem that long ago that I became pregnant with her. It was a powerful distress I didn’t know I could handle. But I did and I am grateful for every moment of it. I never knew I was pregnant at the time that I found out. Even though it wasn’t something I wanted to admit, in the back of my mind I knew it was a possibility, even though a slight one at that. Justin and I were intimate only a few times during the course of our two year long relationship when it all occurred.

For many days I had been having severe abdominal pain. Once it never went away I finally visited the doctor. In an instant, my worst fear had turned into my most honest and brutal reality. They performed a pregnancy test in which I persistently declined. Just the idea worried me beyond belief. When I found out, I did nothing but cry. I cried myself to sleep for many nights to follow. I felt so ashamed. I didn’t know what to do or say to anyone. I especially didn’t know what I was going to tell Justin. I was fretful as to what he would think or possibly even do. I started recoiling from his presence and he began to notice my behavior had suddenly changed. Justin always knew when something was wrong. He had a way of seeing through me and sometimes I hated it. He recognized the attitude changes I was demonstrating; though I would justifiably deny any problems when confronted. It was hard for me to look him in the eye, for I knew that he would see through the veil of secrets I kept over my face. Every look must have given it away, and I felt all I could do was keep it hidden the best I knew how.

There was not a doubt that Justin would be upset. I didn’t know how to break it to him. I wanted to spare him that pain that I was feeling myself. I didn’t tell one person; for fear that it would get back to Justin. I had to confide in someone and I had no one but my parents. I didn’t know how long I could keep it inside. I felt like I was breaking. Before I could let Justin find out, I had to find a solution for myself. I was so apprehensive about disappointing him that I couldn’t think of any other option than to run. I might have impaired my youth but I didn’t want to do the same to his. We were just weeks away from graduating High School and I didn’t want this baby to interfere with any of Justin’s future plans.

Growing up now, I know it wasn’t the best thing to do. But at the time I felt it was my only way out. I finished school and by the end of my third month of pregnancy is when I went to stay with my father. I never really told Justin I was even leaving. I wrote him a letter in which I never sent out. My mother told him that I had to stay with my father for a while, but she never told him why or gave him any details as to why I really left. She could have told his mother, but for me, she kept my secret inside. I know it hurt her as well to see me struggle through this issue and to see me leave her side. Without my mother, I had no one that I felt I could go to for support. Maybe things would be different if I had stayed and let my mother guide me through making the right decision. But I made the choice to disappear and I had to be strong enough to live with that.

I know Justin had so many un-answered questions pending in his mind. He never understood why I would just leave him the way that I did. I’m not sure if he will ever get over that. I don’t blame him if he doesn’t. He shouldn‘t have to and I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anything from him. Nothing I chose to do was ever his fault, though I know that at first he felt that way. Maybe Justin would have been ready to accept the consequences of our actions. But now it’s too late to have ever known. I don’t know if I’m ready to go back to Justin. I know it’s something that eventually has to be done. The longer I wait the harder its only going to get.

I always imagined what would want to happen when I confessed to Justin. I dreamed about it being like something out of a romantic movie, you know the cheesy ones that are always so predictable; girl gets the guy and they live happily ever after. Justin would forgive me and he’d want to get married, and we’d be a perfect family. I would have a beautiful, spectacular wedding and everything would be amazing. But of all people, I knew that nothing in reality was ever like that. In fact, life was more than a dream. It was a bad nightmare; one that we all wish we could wake up from, even when it still haunted us while we’re no longer asleep.

It’s my own fear of him; the hidden terror of reuniting with him under undesirable conditions that keeps me away. Time brings so many changes to our lives that perhaps Justin has moved on and doesn’t even think of me anymore. I hoped that wasn’t true. I wanted him to capture me into his arms and tell me everything was going to be okay. He would automatically disregard all the hurt I’ve caused him and we could continue on from where we left off. But that was only a delusional fantasy. In fact, Justin may never want to speak to me again. He would have no reason to accept my admission of guilt. No apology would be good enough, not for Justin. It would take a lot of corroboration to make him understand. I was determined to change what I’ve caused.

I needed to set my life back on track. The contour of my life was outlined rigidly, but I clearly saw my path. Motherhood, strength, and independence all led me towards the power to prevail. I hope that I can help my daughter to maintain a reputation primitive to what I’ve made for myself. I try to be the best example for her and guide her in the right introspects. I never could have known that something so onerous could bring such love and inspiration at the same time. Through all the difficulty in dealing with this fallacy, Reece has been the best thing to happen to me. I’m not more proud of anything else in my life than of her. She’s my angel, my helping hand. Even though she is a good source of my problems, she is also the one that brings me the most healing and hope. I don’t know how I would be able to get through some things without her.

She has an air of pureness radiating around her. To me, of course being her mother, she is the most beautiful child. Her emerald eyes sparkle with purity. Her dark, gentle curls cascade around her delicate, porcelain face. Her complexion was so creamy she almost looked like a doll, with skin so soft it seemed nearly made of silk. She has the sweetest smile you’d ever seen, making one’s heart melt in adoration. As much as she looked almost identical to myself in so many ways, I saw so much of Justin in her expression and attitude. I saw her pleasure for perfection and thoughtless determination for what she wanted. Like me, she was a dreamer. Her innocence captured all the iniquity in the world, only filling it with what she desired. Already I knew as those traits coincided, she’d advance headfirst into something without thought, just on whim and instinct. Receiving her flair of perfectionism from both Justin and I, even at her infantile age, she wouldn’t accept anything less than what she was fully capable of. To me it was a disease we were all blemished with.

Reece drives on an artistic nature. She has a keen ear for music but her main love is art. If you didn’t find her singing softly to herself or keying away on the piano, she was drawing. It amazed me the talent that child possessed. I know the music diversion was genetically enforced through Justin, but I don’t know where she got her ability to draw the way she does. I couldn’t be any luckier to have a child as well rounded as she is. She’s amazingly well behaved. She does virtually everything she’s told and very rarely ever throws a tantrum, though I have seen Justin’s quick temper come out of her at times. She’s a shy little girl, much like myself, opening up once she’s comfortable. I was fascinated by nearly everything that she was competent of. I couldn’t be more rewarded to have her in my life. I never dreamed that I could have created such an incredible child, and the fact that she grew right inside of me just touched my soul to tears. I know Justin would be so pleased at what she‘s become.

As timid as I was, I couldn’t turn my back on Reece any longer. The moment arose to where I had to take off the mask that protected me in disguise. I could only make one movement at a time. Now that the denial was disintegrated, the next stage would be to step up to the reservations from beyond my power, to stand up to the demons guarding the door to opportunity. I saw myself on the other side of that door, smiling, knowing I had done the right thing. This scared, fragile, little girl wasn’t me. That’s not who I was. I was a strong, independent woman who didn’t have to cower in the fears of her wrongdoing. How could I have let this proceed for so long?

Now was the time to make a change in our lives. The impending days ahead would be the awakening of a new understanding of existence. In my heart, I felt that things were about to transform. I prepared my mind to be sufficiently open for any progress I would possibly make. Though, I don’t think I could ever have been ready for what I was going to encounter. The future would bring so many unexpected changes, so many conditions I never could have equipped myself for. I didn’t know just what I would be getting myself into. But everything happens for fate’s cause and in the end all outcomes eventually land upon soft ground.