Before I made any more regrets for myself, I wanted answers. I just didn’t know how to go about receiving them. I wished that I could see what the future held before I furthered any inaccuracies of not knowing. I wanted to know Justin’s reaction before I humiliated myself. Then again, my naivety and stubbornness brought out the worst in me. It didn’t matter what Justin did or what any one else thought, I knew I would be doing the right thing for my daughter. I didn’t want to continue down this narrow path of denial, though I couldn’t help but wonder how Justin’s life has changed without me. I couldn’t let go of the fear that he has moved on without giving any recollection of our pasts together. Without finding the answers for myself, I couldn’t go on with shielding him out of my own heart. I had to know so that if I needed to, I could let him go.

Reece has made it exceptionally difficult to do so. Every gesture, every mimicked expression she made, was like Justin reborn through her in spirit. It brought tears to my eyes to hear her talk about him as if she never knew what missing someone ever felt like. But how could she? It was I that had the yearning for him in my life. It was I that used to cry myself to sleep at night, wishing that I could turn the past around and reconstruct my mistakes, to build my life all over again. I knew that no matter what happiness Reece brought me, my heart bled twice as much knowing that she was the only part of him that I had. It was every bit my fault. I didn’t blame her. I didn’t blame him. I willingly walked over that edge, plunging myself into the glacial waters below to suffocate, filling my lungs with heartache. I choked on the pride that was incapacitating my oxygen as I was left gasping for courage. I was drowning in my own shame.

From a crystallized reflection I saw my daughter lending me the hand that pulled me out from the depths of agony I was submerged in. It was in the way her eyes lit up when she smiled, the way her cheeks flushed like a crimson rose when she laughed, and the way her eyes rolled to the side when she knew she was right. It was every time she covered her mouth when a stream of giggles escaped from excitement. It was her pure childish innocence that shone confidence so bright that it colored all the grays in those empty pages of my life. It was the immaculate qualities she portrayed that influenced me to eliminate my disguise and to show her, as well as myself, who I really was.

“I’m coloring this for Daddy,” Reece once said, laying flat on her stomach in the middle of the floor, a red crayon in her hand.

“It’s a beautiful picture, Ree. I‘m sure Daddy will love it,” I commented. My smile quickly turned into a frown upon asking me when she could take it to Justin.

“I don’t know, Sweetheart. You know your daddy lives far away,” I reminded her, kneeling down beside her.

“Is he with Grammy?” She asked me.

“He’s not with Grammy, Reece. But Grammy misses you very much!” I kissed her forehead softly.

“I miss Grammy too,” she said, sadly.

“But one day, Ree, one day we’ll go see Daddy together,” I vowed to her.

"Okay!" She said exasperated, throwing her little arms in the air.

"I promise we will very soon," I added, though more to myself. She nodded her head, not really understanding.

That was my opportunity to prove that I had the strength that would acknowledge my discernment. I made that promise to Reece and to myself that one day the two of us would go to see Justin. Together we would bring closure to history and open a new chapter towards tomorrow. But would it really be as soon as I assured her? Unknown to me, it wouldn't be long before I would receive the answer to my own questions.

I would find myself in Orlando this weekend, unknowingly under the twisted hands of Fate, all because Chasitty and her younger sister were dancers. They both had been performing since before they were even old enough to start grade school. For the first time together they were competing in the State championship finals which were being held at Disney World on Sunday. And of course for support, I was going. Chasitty and her family were already in Orlando preparing for the show. I agreed to pick up part of Chasitty’s hours at the day care, taking her morning shift on Friday, which gave me the opportunity to leave that afternoon to spend more time with my mother over the weekend. I was looking forward to seeing my mother, but at the same time I didn’t want to go. It sent a whirlwind of nerves erupting through my skin because my spirit felt that something was about to happen.

The hours had passed by quickly and I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the sun had now completely fallen and the stars were twinkling brightly overhead. I breathed in the night air, gazing upward toward the stars, shining like millions of heavenly angels watching over me. The sleek spring wind blew around me with a heavy undertone. The mahogany wood creaked slightly on the swing that I had broken in long ago. I closed my eyes, the feelings refracted in and out of my mind with each breath I took. I sensed everything would fall into place for me, for I felt as if slowly, something was filling the holes of my Swiss Cheese world. I got up and ventured inside the house, closing the door and the current deliberations behind me.

Reece had long gone off to sleep so I began quietly sorting through her bedroom, knowing this was one of the only opportunities I would have to get anything done. I neatly packed some clothes and toys in her small Elmo suitcase that she insisted using herself. From a glance, I noticed a picture turned face down on the floor. Perplexed, I pulled the picture by the edge and turned it over. It was a copy of my ultrasound photo, slightly wrinkled and full of fingerprints where Reece had obviously used it as a plaything. Sighing with irritation, I zipped up her suitcase. With exhaustion settling in, I snatched the photo and the suitcase, advancing to my own room.

From the depths of my closet I searched for a small wooden box resembling a miniature cedar chest. It was a special box, for it contained all the personal mementos I’ve sacredly cherished from Justin over the years. I had a etching in my mind that I wouldn’t find it here. I wondered how Reece could have the capability of getting a hold of it. I don’t remember having left it out by mistake. I rubbed my eyes and let out a deep breath, for I was too fatigued to be angry at the late hour. I would deal with it in the morning, but by that time I would have probably forgotten all about it.

To my surprise, I found the box in the closet just where it belonged. I gingerly pulled it down. I sat myself in the floor as I slowly lifted the top. While replacing the photo, a somber memory emerged to the surface of my mind. My fingers worked an envelope out from the bottom. Opening it, I retrieved a letter. I smoothed the paper out, my fingers shaking slightly underneath it. The words blurred across the page as my eyes burned at the memory.

Justin,

These words might mean nothing to you after so long, but I want to say a few things and I hope you'll take them to heart. We've been such good friends ever since we've met and I never thought our friendship would end. We had a wonderful relationship that I never wanted to falter. After what I have to say, I only hope you can forgive me and we can continue to live our lives in civilization with each other.

A part of you has grown stronger and stronger with me every day as I think about how much I miss you and from what I’ve done to hurt you. I want to apologize for everything. Leaving was so hard for me Justin, so hard that I was too distraught to give you an explanation as to why. But I had my reasons, reasons I never wanted to share until now. I never gave you a chance. I’m so sorry for that. Well now here's my chance. It’s all you deserve.

I've been talking to you and seeing you when you're not really there. I can hear you talking back in my head. Every night I fall asleep with tears in my eyes, wondering what you're doing, what you're thinking, and how you're feeling. Don't think I don't care about you anymore, Justin. I care about you more than I do anyone else in this world. I've tried so hard to bring myself to get in touch with you, but the pain keeps coming up and it ends up being too hard. I never wished to ignore you. So I want you to understand what I've been going through. I want you to know that no matter what I’ve done, I never wanted for any of this to happen, not this way. Because of the things I've done, I’ve been living a life of guilt and regret. Though, not everything came out of this negatively.

A part of you is with me all the time. I will never forget all the great moments we’ve shared the past five years and I wish I could change what's happened but I can't. I celebrated my birthday last week. Without you here it seemed like my birthday didn't even matter to me. The thought of growing up without you makes me not want to grow up at all. Nothing really matters anymore. Without you, it seems like there's really nothing to live for. Yet there is so much more than you know. I wish things didn't have to turn out the way that they have. I only want for you to not hate me. Especially after what I'm about to tell you.

We’ve made mistakes, Justin. At that time I didn’t know what to do about it. I was wrong. This isn't easy to say to you. After all, we haven't spoken in seven months and we have a lot of things to catch up on. It might have been a lot easier to forget about if this never happened, but then again, without this I wouldn't have had any reason to leave. I want you to know the truth. If you can’t forgive me, then I’ll let you go and I’ll move on. I’m just going to come out and tell you.

January twelfth was the birth of my daughter, Reece Aveyda. I want so badly for you to meet her, Justin. I want her to know her father before she grows up without one. I need you Justin. We both need you. I know I should be telling you in person. Hell, I should have told you from the beginning. Maybe it would have been better that way. But you know I don’t like confrontation. I couldn’t even confront myself with why I’ve done this. I really don’t know about much anymore. I feel so lost and incomplete. I will never forgive myself for letting this go on. If you can still forgive me after what I have done, please let me know somehow.

Once again, I never meant for any of this to happen and I never wanted to hurt you in any way. Don't blame yourself for any of this, Justin, it's my fault. I should have told you sooner and I shouldn't have excluded my life from you in the first place. I don't expect anything from you, but I hope one day you will grow to love our daughter just as much as I do.

Jade

I stared at the letter as in a trance, mesmerized by the words written on the paper. I clutched the letter to my chest as I thought of why I kept it after so long. I was too afraid to ever send it off. I never let go of it, for I thought maybe one day I would eventually have it delivered. This just reminded me of how important it is for me to tell Justin the truth. The overwhelming reflection of old memories percolated through my entire body, leaving a decomposing sensation in the pit of my stomach. I felt the sting under my eyelids that I wouldn’t allow to surpass. My hands were cold to the touch, but pulsating heat flashed through my body causing a light sweat to break out.

I hurried off to the bathroom where I sat on the cold tile, shaking, my head spinning. I cradled my head in my hands hoping the nausea would pass. Moments later my body relieved itself of such sudden anxieties. I slid myself against the wall, pulling my knees to my chest. Tears were flowing freely down my face. Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I torturing my mind and body over this? It shouldn’t have to be so hard. I was burdening myself with unnecessary anguish. I wanted everything to be over, to just go away. That’s all I’ve wanted all along. Regaining composure, I pulled myself up the white porcelain sink, splashing cold water on my face. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I saw a frail, frightened, little girl. I almost didn’t know who was looking back at me. I didn’t want to recognize my weakness. In my heart I knew this girl was stronger than that. I turned and walked away, for I felt too much shame to even look at my own reflection.

“You’re stronger that you want to believe yourself to be, Jade,” my mother always lectured me. “You’re a very wise young woman. You‘ve raised a child all by yourself without wanting help from your father or me, and you’ve done an amazing job doing it. Who can say that for themselves?”

Of course, with those words coming from my mother I didn’t want to believe them, but I listened. I should have believed only because it’s my mother. I knew it was accurate and I never denied that truth. I was doing my best. She had always told me to trust in myself, to trust my heart to make my decisions for me. I knew I had to wake up to what my heart guided me to do about Justin. I was finally starting to react with my instincts. My energy was depleted from the day, and with restless deliberations webbed through my mind, I passed into an eccentric slumber.

I found myself in a car. I was driving alone. The scenery was unfamiliar to me. I inadvertently made a detour down a narrow dirt road off the side of the highway. I came to a street coated with a thick mass of towering trees, so smoldering that I soon wasn’t able to pass. Searching for a place to go, I looked out my window. In a whirlwind, everything began changing around me. My perceptions were washed away with a wave of inability to distinguish truth from illusion. The colors bled together like a fresh pallet of mixed paint. The scenery blurred past me, but through the illusive reverie I saw his face. It stared at me expressionless, meaningless. I called out his name. He just continued to stare. He couldn’t hear me. I tried to jump out of the car but I was trapped. Everything stood still and I was entrapped in a frozen trance of time. I seemed to be isolated in a temporary lapse of discernment.

I didn’t know what it was all to mean but I knew it was my subconscious way of wanting, trying to get to Justin and not being able to. Yes, this time was going to be different. I was ready... or so I thought.