“Mommy, I got to go potty!” She cried.

I knew I should have put her in training pants before we left. I had been potty training Reece, and so far she was doing great. Of course she would have an occasional accident at home but I would not allow her to have one in the car.

“Reece, you have to hold it for a few minutes.” I panicked. We were still at least an hour from Orlando.

“Nooo,” she squealed.

“Reece, please!” I begged her, though I knew her frail bladder would contend my demands.

“Hurry, Mommy! I don’t want the critters on me!” She proclaimed.

To help aid in her potty training, I told Reece that whenever she used the bathroom in her pants, there were little critters that came out and would try to get her. Whatever the affects, it was working. I now felt the paranoia rise in my chest as I pushed the gas petal closer to the floor, though knowing I could do nothing to redeem her haste.

“Uh oh.” I heard quietly from the back seat.

I glanced in my mirror to see tears flooding Reece’s cheeks. I sighed loudly. I couldn’t blame her for wetting her pants. I knew it wasn’t something she could control.

Turning around, I said, “Reece, you’re not in trouble. We’ll get it cleaned up. We should have put your Pull Ups on before we left home.” She nodded, sticking her index finger in her mouth.

I pulled off at the nearest stop to change her pants. After getting her changed into dry clothes I had to cover up the car seat that she urinated in. I had no towels; all I could find was a t-shirt, my shirt. I began to feel the flutter of nerves under my skin as the eagerness of cleaning up heightened. I didn’t want the soiled clothes in my car, so I bundled everything together in a ball and stuck them in my trunk. I couldn’t endure the thought of muddle that had been caused, which now made me vastly tense. I had an anxiety disorder that caused me to overreact with worry in most situations. I tend to get nervous very easily.

I turned up the radio just a bit louder, my mind throbbing with tension until I got to my mother’s. Once I turned off my awaited exit, the dream from the previous night resurfaced to my thoughts. What was it going to take for me to make my breakthrough? What if it was already too late? A chill ran up my spine at the thought. I shook the thought out of my mind, but couldn’t direct my focus into any other direction. I was really letting this get to me. Couldn’t I live one day without fearing the outcomes of tomorrow? I was allowing myself to fall apart from the nagging inevitability that ate at my insides with blame.

I let out a sigh of relief once I pulled into my mother’s driveway. Letting Reece out of the car, she half skipped, half ran up the sidewalk to the front door. On her tiptoes she stood, her small arms stretching for the doorbell. I could only imagine her ringing the bell over and over again as she does at home just to be rambunctious. My mother appeared and joined me outside to help with my belongings. After holding her in a welcoming embrace, I explained to her what happened on the way. She chuckled in amusement, instantly offering to start the wash of dirty clothing. I hauled my daughter’s car seat outside the back door to air out after I cleaned that out.

As my mother loaded Reece’s clothes into the washing machine, I lingered aside, tapping my manicured nails on top of the chrome mechanical fixture.

“I almost wanted to stop by his house.” I integrated, referring to Justin. I bit my bottom lip. My mother was silent, though not surprised.

“You say that every time, Jade,” she told me.

“I think I want to see him,” I said quietly. I choked back the tears that wanted so desperately to overflow behind my eyes.

“Are you ready to do that?” She asked.

I was silent. I simply shrugged, crossing my arms over my chest for comfort. “I can‘t keep doing this,” I answered.

“Will you go through with it and not just keep driving by?” She raised her eyebrow at me with a smile. Her hazel eyes twinkled when she smiled.

“Do you think he’ll know?” I asked my mother, solemnly.

“I don‘t think that will be the first thing on his mind. I think he’ll be more surprised just to see you.” She paused, looking away for a moment. “But, of course he will. You could never overlook one of your own, even without meeting. You and Justin had something too special for him not to know.”

I knew my mother was right. That was the precise answer that cautioned me. It’s what guarded me from any hesitance of telling him the truth.

“His mother still asks about you. I think she knows something happened.” She added, without looking up. “We haven’t talked much lately. It’s really brought a variance between us. Your leaving was difficult for everyone, Jade, not just yourself,” she said simply.

What was I to say to that? I know what I had caused. I wasn’t satisfied about it. My mother recognized my solemnity.

“I think you are making this harder on yourself than you need to. It‘s really going on far too long, Jade. It‘s been over two years. You need to do something about it or move on.”

I just wanted to find him.

The sun was blazing high in the Florida sky this bright May afternoon. Tomorrow was Chasitty’s dance competition. At this point, I didn’t even want to go, especially if it was another day like today. I was hot and nauseated. The heat stuck to my clothes. It was in my hair. It took residence in every pore, like an enemy invading a country during a war. The humidity clung to my skin in layers. The intense heat seemed to sting venomously through pricks of suffocating, hot air. There was just the slight hint of a breeze caused from the ocean front, but nothing strong enough to castrate the heat from impounding my lungs. I dreaded the forthcoming summer with its torrid climate and vexing mosquito’s invading upon your tender flesh. I tipped my sunglasses atop my head as I wiped away the beads of sweat that had gathered at the bridge of my nose. My hands were clammy, not only from the weather, but from the tension that danced around inside my stomach like fireflies infesting a night-light. I let go of the small fingertips on the delicate hand that were wrapped so gently around my own, wiping my palms against the base of my jeans. I couldn’t help but feel the anxious ambiance swimming in my throat, lumping over any words that were to be unveiled from buried uncertainty.

I entered an elaborate passage to a short lapse of judgment. Past the picketed gate that surrounded the red bricked home, time seemed to have stopped shy of an instant. I stared down the driveway, seemingly unstirred by reality. Nothing but a calm, serene landscape remained. Ahead of me, the stone walkway grew shorter as I approached what would be the coming of my fate. That path, like my own path in life, led me apprehensively seeking what predicaments lie just ahead. As much as I was petrified at the thought of defeating my past, I yearned to let the truth be uncovered. It’s poignant to say that our pasts come back to haunt us, for this was a poltergeist I haven’t been able to escape.

My expansions in life had sought me to release the bottle of agony I held within, wanting nothing more than to be liberated from transgression. Time and experience had settled their sufferings upon me and I felt less assured about my existence. A facade, submerging reality into a deep shadow of darkness, inoculated the representations of my dignity. I sighed and inhaled a deep breath of thick air. I squeezed the tiny hand that held onto mine, glancing into the delicate eyes that stared back at me questioningly. I bit my lip, sighing away the persistent ruminations of taunting ambiguity impressed in my chest. Hesitation belittled me. I felt like turning away. Fear choked my confidence, and I had to swallow the negligence that wanted to take me back to my ordinary existence. This was going to configure everything with a darker shadow of tumult. My fingers shook beneath me. I squeezed Reece’s hand tighter for comfort. She looked up at me with confusion settled in her eyes, behind the hope that rendered reassurance- causing a tranquil smile to creep upon my lips. I released my free hand, and before losing the courage to do so, I knocked. From the opposite side of the forsaken entry, I stood waiting to stare into the direct eyes of desire’s vengeance.

I could hear my heart pounding inside my chest as I waited, deep inside hoping that there would be no answer. I’ve come this far after so long. It would be too late to turn around now. I felt my feet wanting to release beneath me, but the tender touch of my support kept me grounded.

“Whose is this house?” Reece asked me.

At that moment the door creaked open and a young woman peeked her head out. She looked at me questioningly; her face expressed that I was a stranger. A feeling of deja vu swept over me when she swung the door open, exposing herself in entirety. Her honey blonde hair wisped gently upon her shoulders. She brushed away a strand that fell astray from her eyes. The sun kissed her face, causing the golden flecks in her eyes to glisten radiantly in the glow of the light. The clear gloss she wore on her lips shimmered within the illumination. Her athletic frame was complimented with a loose pair of light pink track pants that she wore comfortably low on her hips. Her breasts were accented firmly underneath a tightly fitted white shirt; her nipples presented themselves amiably. Her bare midriff exposed a small jewel that dangled from her pierced navel.

I stood silent in a moment of a sudden blackout. My mind went completely blank. The girl looked at Reece, her glance shifting between the two of us.

“I’m looking for Justin,” I spit out. My first words had already sounded stupid.

“I’m sorry, he’s not here.” The girl said with the indistinguishable hint of a southern accent, one of which I could never forget.

Our eyes met. I couldn’t tear my glance away. Her pupils were filled with amazement and confusion, her mouth opened just slightly out of shock. It felt as if time had slowed down for us, as we continued to gaze into each others embodiment.

“Jade?” She asked, bewildered.

Britney. Of all people- it was Britney. I was startled in amazement at how she’s grown. I nodded, not knowing what to say.

“Oh my god. I never thought I would see you again!” She squealed. Had she realized she had just eaten her own words? She stepped out of the doorway, closing the door softly behind her. She stuttered on her words, not knowing the right thing to ask. I was taken by surprise when she wrapped her arms around me in excitement.

“I... oh my god. How are you? Where have you... what are you doing here!” She exclaimed, rushing her words together. She stood back at a safe distance admiring my stature.

I felt sick to my stomach. She was part of the life I had run away from, and at this moment I felt... I don’t know what I felt. Time places many changes upon people, perhaps she’s grown through maturity, and maybe she was different now. But how would I begin to explain what I was doing on Justin’s front porch after years of disappearing, only now with my daughter by my side?

“Who‘s this little one?” She asked with satiety. Britney was always one to ask questions when the obvious answer stared her in the face.

“This is my daughter, Reece.” I nodded.

“Aw, she’s so cute!” She said to me, then bent down to Reece’s level. “Hi sweetie. How are you?” Britney asked her in a high pitched, friendly tone.

“Say hi to Britney, Ree,” I told her.

Reece cowered, hiding her face against my leg.

“She’s so adorable. Oh my gosh. Wow! You have a baby! How have you been?” Britney brought her hand to her face.

“I’ve been well,“ I answered her.

“Oh my gosh, I’m being so rude. Do you want to come in?” She apologized.

Any sense of tension heightened from one simple question. I had to make a spontaneous decision. I couldn’t imagine the endless thoughts that were running through Britney’s mind. All the thoughts that ran through my mind that I couldn’t put together. Were Justin’s parents home? To me, it looked empty. Luckily, to my advantage. What was Britney doing at his house, and alone? I was better off not knowing. But I was soon to find out, and despite the altercations my life started to face, those secrets of the past would steer my life in a while new direction of uncertainty.

“I‘m sorry, I’m not able to stay. Do you know when Justin might be back?” I questioned.

“Um, well he’s at work. He won’t be home till late tonight. ” Britney said. I nodded.

It was disappointing to not achieve what I came for, but at the same time I felt relieved. A part of me didn’t want to see Justin; I didn’t want to face this. And now that I’ve failed what I strived for, I didn’t want to start over again. I missed my chance. Imagery of rejection and discontent pained my heart as I thought that maybe Britney and Justin were together again. I reminded myself that I wasn’t doing this for me, but for Reece. I could not be selfish. This wasn’t about me and Justin. I could not help but feel slightly jealous. I had to contain those thoughts, for I couldn’t give my hopes up before I even had anything to hope for. It was a desire I had to let time and occurrence be in control of.

So lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize Reece was tugging on my hand.

“I’ll be at my mom’s for the weekend. Please let Justin know I came by.” I said to Britney.

“Yeah, sure.” Britney agreed, still seemingly in shock.

With that said, I turned on my heels with Reece in tow, wanting to deplete myself from the situation as quickly as possible. I felt the pain of betrayal, but mostly disgust for Justin at this moment. After everything between the three of us, he had still kept what was seemingly a very close relationship with her. Britney had done nothing but try to stir up problems between Justin and I, assuming to break us up at any opportunity. I never wanted to forgive Britney for all the lies she told and the unnecessary drama that she ensued. I couldn’t understand why Justin would want to either. I thought he had more sense than that. He was consistently going back and forth with her. Britney had a lot of good in her, but I didn’t overlook all the bad that she did seem to render.

I walked away with tears in my eyes. Despite all that Britney had done to hurt me, it seemed to me that Justin was always used her as a replacement, a backup. Besides, it’s been over two years since Justin last tried to contact me. Had he given up? I honestly expect nothing less from him, given the circumstances, but I had the lingering hope that he wouldn’t give up. He had to move on, and thinking of the possibility that the one he’s moved on with is the same person who’s done everything to try to tear my reputation apart.