Justin and I had some great times together. We had the closest friendship and fondest relationship. We were inseparable. Then things changed. Certain things happened that I couldn’t deal with, that I didn’t want to deal with. I knew sure as hell that Justin wouldn’t have been able to either. That's why I didn't tell him. Instead of handling things like I should have, I only wanted to get away from them. So I left. I moved on, leaving behind Justin and the rest of my life. I didn't even say goodbye. I had to go discretely, for I felt it would be better for him and easier on me. Of course, I was wrong. Instead of forgetting about Justin, I still have a daily reminder of him.

Nothing got better after that. I went to stay with my father in Miami until I could sort out what I wanted to do. I know I hurt Justin when I left, leaving him nothing. I hurt myself too. I will probably never know just how much I hurt him. I only know what pain I felt within myself by abandoning my problems. I want to take that all back so much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel all the guilt that I've lived with for over three years now. I don't think Justin could ever forgive me for what I've done. How could he, when I don't even forgive myself? I was young and inexperienced, thinking I was doing the right thing at the time.

Every time I would return to visit my mother back home, I would think about calling Justin or stopping by his house. But as much as I yearned to see him, I couldn’t face the truth of my deceit. The day will come when I will finally have the strength to do so. I would break down at the slightest thought or reminder of him. Continuously every day I’m reminded of him. Only now, I’ve learned to overcome my anxiety. I’ve choked back my pride and learned how to humble myself. I’ve still got so much to gain, though through this experience I’ve learned so much already. It was difficult not having my mother by my side, but I knew if I went back home something might have arose that I wasn’t ready to face. Those demons of the past still haunt me, that one day I will be ready to overcome.

I hated the thought of facing up to the past and the lies. Telling Justin the truth would demolish his prosperity, completely ruining his life. That’s why I ran away, for I thought it would be better for him to never find out. Justin had tried to get a hold of me many times when I first left. I couldn’t bear talking to him though, for the lies hurt too bad and I couldn’t tell him the truth of why I left. I would always find a way out of not talking to him. After a while he just stopped calling, and eventually he quit asking about me all together. It was easier to ignore him, trying to forget about him and make it all go away. I missed him more than anything, though. The pain was retching at me inside, so bad to the point that I felt like dying. It’s gotten a little easier since, but the pain is still there. Time is the only consolation I’ve had.

I often look back at pictures I have of him. Sometimes I just want to reach through the paper and touch the flesh on the other side. I pray for him all the time, hoping that he will forgive me one day. There are times when I even talk to him as if he’s right next to me. It helps me feel a sense that he is still with me. I do have a part of him though in many ways. Whether he knows or not, I’m always going to have that part of him with me forever. By the sounds of it, it seems childish to say. After hearing my story, you might have a better understanding for why I feel that way. I want to have Justin back in my life again. In the future if Justin is willing to keep an open mind, it just might happen. But right now it can’t. I don’t know how I’ve succeeded on my own for so long.

It’s inconsiderate of me to say that I won’t ever want to see Justin again. I do want to, I need to. I just don't want to admit that to myself. It’s not fair to him, myself, or the atmosphere we’ve admonished between the two of us. I understand that it was selfish and wrong for me to have left in the first place. I only did what I thought would be the best for my situation, what would have been easiest. Justin has changed me in so many ways that I’ve never been able to tell him. He’s given me the best of his life, and from that, I’ve experienced the best things in life. It was the worst mistake I’ve ever made that’s given me the greatest happiness and worst regret that a person could feel at the same time. Justin has uncovered inside me a deeper love than I ever thought I’d have. And for that, an innocence has been born upon a better knowledge and understanding of the precious gift that life really is.