Ah, school. Where little kids make new friends, learn new skills, and... well, not for Little Johnny. School is where most of the LJ jokes seem to take place. Sources vary on the exact age of LJ, but they all seem to agree that he's in some grade in elementry school. Which makes us wonder: "Do we REALLY want to know what kids are learning in school these days?". But now, I've babbled enough. On to the jokes...

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says 'See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?' Sally holds up her hand and asks if it's a giraffe. 'Very good Sally,' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his or her hands. 'See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?' Billy holds up his hand and says, 'it is a zebra.' 'Very good Billy,' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand. 'See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?' Still no one guesses. Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.' Johnny shouts out 'I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!'

The teacher says, 'Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use it in a sentence?' Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 'Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.'

Teacher says, 'Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.'

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 'Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.'

Teacher says, 'Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.'

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 'Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. 'Here Little Johnny, have a cookie.'

'I don't fucking want one,' declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him 'Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie.'

I don't fucking want one,' stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, 'See? Did you hear what he said?'

'Yeah, so don't fucking give him a cookie,' said Little Johnny's mother.

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.. "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK... then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

Little Johnny's sitting in class and the teacher is playing the guessing game, where a student would describe something and the class would guess what it was. Little Johnny keeps putting his hand up and the teacher keeps ignoring him, KNOWING that he would say something filthy. Everybody else got a chance to try except Johnny. The teacher finally said, "O.K., Johnny...what do you want to describe?"

Johnny leans back in his chair and says,"I've got something in my pocket that's round and hard! Guess what it is!" "Johnny!," the teacher screams, "That's disgusting!" Johnny smiles and says,"Ahh, it's just a quarter, but I like how you're thinking!"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to screw with the Lone Ranger."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "You may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you". Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut the fuck up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."

Little Johnny was sitting in class and started waving his arm saying, 'teacher! teacher! I have to go pee!' The teacher called Johnny to her desk and said, 'Now Johnny, in this class we use proper wording, the correct word is urinate. You may go to the bathroom, but when you come back I want you to give me a sentence using the word urinate.' So Johnny goes down the hall to the bathroom and when he comes back the teacher says, 'OK Johnny, I want to hear your sentence now.' Little Johnny says, "O.K., here goes -- urinate, but you'd be a ten if your tits were bigger!"

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

Johnny's sitting in class another day when the teacher wants to go over some famous quotes. She recites a quote and the class must guess who said it. For twenty minutes or so she goes over quote and every time Johnny is "Oohing, and Ahhing" with his hand up. And for twenty minutes or so she ignores him just SURE he'll say something dirty. Finally she says she will just go over a couple more. Still Johnny has his hand up. She asks,"Four score and seven years ago....Who said that?" Everybody raises their hands. Teacher calls on a girl up front;"Maria, who said that?" "Abraham Lincoln," Maria says. "O.K., who said,'To be or not to be, that is the question'?" She calls on a boy in the back. "Juan, who said that?" "William Shakespeare wrote that." Teacher says,"Good, Juan. Now we'll move on to math," and turns around to the blackboard. No sooner had she done this when Johnny jumps up and shouts,"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ALL THESE FUCKING MEXICANS?" The teacher whips around and says,"Who said that? WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny smiles wide and says,"Davey Crockett at the ALAMO!

Little Johnny is having his first sex ed class when the teacher is explaining about female parts. Just as she is about to get into male parts the buzzer goes off. "Now class, before you go, I want you to find out from your parents what a penis is," she says to the class.

Johnny goes up to his mother and asks her what a penis is. All flustered she says to go ask your father. He asks his father the same question. His father takes him aside, pulls down his fly and lets it hang out. "Son, this is a penis," he says.

The next day in class, the teacher asks if anyone found out what a penis is. Johnny's hand goes wailing through the air like there is no tomorrow. "Yes Johnny, tell us what a penis is," she asks.

Johnny steps up on his desk, pulls down his fly and lets it hang out. "Well, this is a cock, a penis is similar looking but is a few inches shorter."

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word 'ear'. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said 'E-A-R'. Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he pretended to pass the joint to Little Suzy and said, 'ear'

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

The first grade talent show is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....

'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT DAMN TRACTOR!'"

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