The Goo View - A Place To Belong

Samantha had made the decision to keep her position as a free lance photographer. This meant that she could still take pictures for magazines but she wasn't limited to just one. she could shoot anything she wanted, for anyone she chose. This week she was shooting pictures of houses for a local Realtor magazine.

The house wasn't very far from Samantha's loft, but it was in the suburbs not the city. It was a small cottage like house with a nice front porch and white picket fence around it. Samantha had fallen in love with it the first time she saw it. Samantha had even talked to the Realtor about buying. But Samantha wasn't ready to spend $200,000 on a house yet.

In the dark room, Samantha developed the rolls of film she had used and hung them to dry. She heard the phone ringing when she was washing her hands. "Hello"

"Samantha, hey it's Carly."

"How are you? How is school?"

"I'm good and school is going well. Listen, I was wondering if you had talked to John lately. I have been trying to call him for the past three weeks and I don't get an answer, so I started calling Elliot and he tells me that John is busy."

"Yeah, I talked to him about three days ago. He was busy with the tour and all. He said their song broke into the top ten."

"It did?"

"Yeah, he was so excited."

"I bet he was. He hasn't called me in weeks. I am beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to hear from him."

Samantha didn't know what to say. John hadn't said anything to her about not talking to Carly lately. In fact he made it sound as if they were on the road to recovery.

"Samantha, I wanted to let him know I'm thinking about him. When you talk to him will you let him know that I asked about him?"

"Sure will. Talk to you later."

"Bye"

Samantha thought more about her conversation with Carly all night. Something about John not calling his wife kept nagging at her. John had given Samantha his tour schedule before he left. Digging it out of her desk door, Samantha saw that they were scheduled to play, San Francisco in three days. That would be as good of time as any to find out what’s up with him.

Samantha's first car was a small compact car. She drove from LA to San Francisco Friday night although the band wasn't going to get in until Saturday afternoon. She checked into the same hotel they would be staying in and went to find her somewhere to eat dinner.

She found a small cafe' on the river front. It was a beautiful night and the lights glimmering off the water were spectacular. Taking out her camera, Samantha started shooting pictures. She walked through the streets asking people if it was all right if she photographed them. Most people were friendly and said she could, but their was always that occasional bad apple.

Returning to the hotel, Samantha walked through the lobby toward the elevator. She recognized John's shaggy blonde hair before she noticed the tall, slim blonde on his arm. She started to call his name but then watched him kiss the girl, and not in a friendly way. Her camera, still in hand, Samantha started snapping pictures. When the elevator doors closed and Samantha could no longer see them, she went up stairs to her room and packed.

The next morning Samantha left a note for John telling him she had come to see him but had to go back home and to call her when he had a chance. Then she put her bags in her car and drove back to LA.

Once she was home, Samantha quickly developed the roll of film she had shot last night. She saw the friendly faces that had let her take pictures of them, the lights over the water; then she came to the ones with John and his female companion. There was no doubt in Samantha’s mind what happened once they reached John’s hotel room. The reason Samantha didn't understand was why.

It was two weeks before Samantha finally heard from John. He stopped by unannounced while on a short break in their tour schedule. Samantha opened the door surprised to see him standing there. "It took you two weeks to get in touch with me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I left you a note two weeks ago in San Francisco telling you to call me. Didn't you get it?"

"No, I didn't get it. If you were in San Francisco why didn't you talk to me yourself?"

Samantha went to the drawer she had put the pictures of John and the girl in and brought them over. "You seemed a little preoccupied," she said, tossing the pictures down on the couch beside him.

John looked at the pictures and then at Samantha. "You saw that?"

"Yeah, I saw it. John, what was going through your head?"

John rested the back of his head on the couch. "Sam, it's hard to explain. Carly and I are having so many problems, it's just trouble when I go to visit her."

"You don't think you are going to be getting into more trouble by cheating on her?"

"Look, I don't like fighting with Carly. Sometimes I just want to go home and relax, but I can't do that because we always end up fighting. It's easier with the girls you meet on tour. They don't expect a commitment from you."

"John, marriage isn't easy. You have to work at it. You have a wife that loves you and you are throwing it away with both hands. Why would you do something like that?" Samantha was yelling now. She hadn't realized that she had gotten so upset.

John stood up and faced Samantha. "Maybe I don't want it anymore. Maybe I'm tired of trying. Besides what's it to you?"

"John, you are my friend and I care about you. You are heading for a collision course and I want to help."

"You can't help, Sam. It's over between me and Carly."

"No it's not. You guys just need to spend some time together. Time away from everything and everyone. You are going home for Christmas, right?"

"Yes"

"Then give it one more shot. Let Christmas be a new beginning for both of you."

John smiled as Samantha made her plea to him. "I don't think I will ever find anyone else like you."

"Goodness, you don't actually think there is someone else out there like me do you?"

"I doubt it, because you're one in a million."

Samantha lowered her head and smiled her shy smile. "Thank you."

The week before Christmas was a hectic one. Samantha and John were both flying back to Buffalo together the next morning so she was busy packing. Samantha had made sure that she had done all of her Christmas shopping early this year so she wouldn't get caught in the Christmas rush. This year was going to be so much better than last year. Last year Samantha had spent Christmas completely alone. It was the saddest holiday that she had ever had.

This year she was going to Buffalo to spend Christmas with Artie. They were going to go to his relatives that were also related to Samantha but she barely knew them. That didn't matter to her. All that mattered was that she feel like she were part of a family. Like she had a family to belong to.

"Are you ready?" John asked when he knocked on Samantha's door at 6:00 the next morning.

"Almost," she answered going back into the bedroom. "I made so sure that I wouldn't have to get out in the Christmas rush that I didn't even start packing until last night around 11:00. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep."

"You can sleep on the plane. That's if we don't miss it."

"Here," Samantha said, handing John one of her bags to carry, "Make yourself useful."

"What did you pack in here bricks?"

"Actually it's an Indian sand sculpture. You know how Artie loves all that classic Indian artwork. I found it downtown when I was doing a photo shoot for the place. I thought it was really cool so the guy let me have it for half price."

"Sam, can I ask you a question?"

"Since when do you need to ask?"

"Are you having financial difficulties?"

Samantha stopped as she was putting the key in the door to lock it, to look at John. "Finical difficulties?"

"Do you need some money?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"Used to you never talked about money. In fact, I don't ever remember you looking at the price tag for anything you wanted. Now it's like you count every dime and are so careful on where and how you spend your money."

"Well, back then I never had to worry about money. I was always given enough so I never had to look at price tags. Now, it's my money that I spend and I don't want to spend it on the wrong thing. Do I look like I'm two steps away from hoboville or something?"

John laughed, "No, it's nothing like that. I would have just figured when your dad died that you would have gotten all his money."

Samantha had told John about her father dying and why she had come back to Buffalo when she did; but she had never told him about the money. "He did leave it all to me."

"Then you should be set for life right?"

"Wrong. When my dad died, I didn't want anything around to remind me of him. I hated him so much that I didn't feel anything but relief when he died. I told the lawyer to get rid of all the money that I wouldn't take any of it."

"You just gave it all up?"

"Pretty much."

"So what happened to all of it?"

"Don't know. I assume it went to different charities and such, but I never really found out. I signed all the papers the lawyer told me to and never gave it a second thought."

"How much was it?"

"A little over three million."

"Mercy me. Do you ever regret it?"

"Don't really think about it. It's not like I didn't have anything. I still had a good bit in the trust fund my mom left me, but I didn't want to use it all up. So I dropped out of Stanford and went to UCLA. Most of the money is still in the trust fund. If I ever have kids, I plan on saving it for them."

John and Samantha found their seats on the plane and listened to the flight attendant give all the usual announcements. As the plane was taking off Samantha remembered something she wanted to tell John. "Speaking of children, guess who just had a baby?"

"Who?"

"Anna. She called me about a month ago, and told me she had a little girl. I plan on visiting her while we are in Buffalo."

"Did she marry that guy? You know the one she was always with in high school."

"Brad?"

"Yeah."

"No, they split up right after she graduated. He went to an out of state college and she hasn't heard form him in years. She married a guy she met that was in Buffalo visiting relatives for the summer. He came into the shop where she was working and Anna said it was love at first sight."

"What did she name it?"

"Katheryn Elaina, isn't that pretty?"

"Yeah"

"It just seems like yesterday we were walking the halls of Immaculate Conception School for Girls. Now we are all grown up. Time passes much too quickly?"

"Tell me about it. I just turned thirty. Do you have any idea how old I feel?"

"How old you feel, what about me?"

"You're not old, you haven't even turned twenty- four yet."

"But I will in March. Half of my life has passed me by and I still don't have anything to show for it. At least you have your career. People can always put on a Goo Goo Dolls album and remember you, but what do I have?"

"You have your pictures. People can open a magazine and see things the way you do."

"Maybe," Samantha said, looking out the window.

"Is there something more you want people to remember you by?"

"I don't know."

John and Samantha buckled the seat belt again when the flight attendant told them the were about to land. "Is Carly going to be waiting?"

"Yeah"

"Are you going to give it one more chance?"

Sam,..."

"Come on John, do it for me. Marriages are suppose to have happy endings."

"Sometimes people make mistakes."

"Don't say that," Samantha said, as the plan skidded to a stop. "You didn't make a mistake. You are just going to have to try a little more to hold on to what you've got."

John and Samantha were side by side when they stepped off the plane. There were a few Goo Goo Dolls fans waiting for John to sign autographs, which he did happily. Samantha told him see would see him later.

Looking up from signing his name on a young girl’s shirt, John said, "Hang on and I will go with you."

Samantha waited patiently as John took time with each of the fans lingering to get a piece of his attention. When they were all satisfied with John's attention, he turned to Samantha and smiled, "Sorry about that."

"No, you're not. It's what you have been working for all your life."

"Why can't Carly understand that?" John said, looking at Carly walking towards them.

"She will John, just give her a little time."

Samantha and Artie spent Christmas together with a few other relatives Samantha had seen in years. It was a small informal get together, but it was happy. Everyone was in the Christmas spirit and festive.

Samantha waited until after Christmas to visit Anna. She called her from Artie's to make sure she was going to be home before she went.

"Come in," Anna said opening the door. "I am so glad you came by to see me."

"Did you think I would actually come back to Buffalo without seeing you?"

"Well, I was beginning to have my doubts."

"Have a seat," Anna said, motioning toward the couch. She went over to a crib that was in the corner of the room. "Samantha, this is my daughter, Katheryn."

Samantha stood up to get a better view of the child. She touched the small fingers and toes. "She is so precious, Anna."

"Thank you. Would you like to hold her?"

"Would you mind?"

"Not at all," Anna said carefully handing over her baby girl. "She doesn't mind attention. I thought when all the family was over at Christmas that it might make her cranky, but it didn't. She seemed to take it all in stride."

"Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Oh yeah. All of Corey's family was here and mine too. I didn't know our little house would hold all those people. My sister and her family were here to, so we had both of her boys running around the house the whole time they were here. Don't get me wrong I love my nephews, but they are so active."

"It won't be long until your own child will be that active."

Anna Smiled affectionately toward her daughter. "I know, and I can't wait. I will admit, when Corey first started talking about having a baby I wasn't sure I was ready."

"And now?"

"Now I don't even remember what I did without her. I love watching her grow and experience new things. I don't think there is any greater joy than looking at the world through a child's eyes. Especially when it's your own child."

Samantha thought about what she said. Wondered what it would be like to have her own child, and watch them grow up. She looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms and thought about what it would be like to rock her son or daughter to sleep at night.

"You seem so natural with her. Do you have any plans to have one of your own?"

Samantha looked up in surprise. "I hadn't really thought about it. I mean it's not like I'm married and settled down."

"You said that your photography business was doing well."

"It is, but I'm not married."

Anna looked down to her wedding ring. "Being married does help, but there are plenty of parents that raise children on their own. It just looks to me like you have a lot of love to give. But don't let me talk you into anything. Children are a big step. A very big step. You have to be one hundred percent ready for them to turn you life up side down, but you will love every minute of it."

"What was it like being pregnant?"

Anna rolled her eyes. "It was hard. At first you get morning sickness, but that goes away after a while. Then you start gaining weight, and your ankles start swelling. It gets to where just getting up everyday and going to work is a strenuous task."

"Would you go through it all again to have another child?"

"In a second. When you feel your baby kick for the first time, or hear it's heart beat; there just aren't words to describe the feelings you get."

"Was the birth really painful?"

"Oh yeah, but there are always going to be a little bit of bad before everything good."

Once again, Samantha gazed at the baby in her arms. It felt so right to hold her that Samantha didn't want to give her back when Anna reached over to take her. Samantha saw the way Katheryn responded to Anna. Even though, Katheryn was only a few months old she knew that her mother was holding her.

"You look so happy, Anna."

"I am happy Samantha. I'm very happy."

"I'm glad for you."
"What about you? Are you happy?"

Her eyes were still on Katheryn, whose tiny finger were now curled around one of Anna's, "I thought I was."

"You thought you were?"

Samantha didn't have time to respond, she and Anna both turned toward to sound of the door opening. A tall, dark headed man came into the room. He smelled of pine and wood that reminded Samantha of Christmas trees.

"Samantha, this is my husband Corey. Honey, this is Samantha."

"I have heard so much about you. I'm glad you finally came to visit us."

"Thank you. I'm glad to finally meet you too." Samantha shook his hand and gathered up her coat and scarf.

"Don't rush off," Anna told Samantha when she saw her coat in her hand.

"I really have to. I'm going back to California tomorrow so I want to spend a little more time with Artie before I leave."

"I understand," Anna told her. She gave her a hug saying, "It was so good to see you. You are going to have to come back more so we can do this more often."

"Maybe you, Corey and the baby can come out west this summer and visit me. Who knows, maybe by then I will be ready to have my own bundle of joy."

"I would love to see that happen. Call me sometime and let me know what you're up to."

"I will." Turning to Corey Samantha said, "Corey, it was nice to meet you."

"Same here Samantha. Please come back soon."

"I will try." She gave Anna one last hug, and kissed Katheryn's hand. She had already fallen back to sleep in the comfort of Anna's arms.

Samantha put on her coat and wrapped her scarf around her neck. The weather outside was cold and snow was still on the ground, but Samantha didn't pay any attention to the frigid temperatures. A baby, she thought. Did she have what it took to be somebody's mother. She didn't know, but she sure wondered what it would be like to find out.

Samantha had no sooner walked through Artie's front door than the phone started ringing. After the third ring, Samantha guess that Artie wasn't home so she answered it. "Hello"

"Samantha, it's Carly. I know you're getting ready to leave tomorrow, but I was wondering if I could see you before you go?"

"Is something wrong?"

"Not really, but I would like to talk to you. John's not home so if you want to come over..."

"I will be there in a few minutes." Hanging up the phone Samantha put back on her coat, left Artie a short note telling him she would be back later, and left the apartment.

It had been nearly six years since Samantha had been in John's apartment. She noticed walking into the apartment that he had made several changes. The walls had been repainted, and new furniture was throughout the living room. If Samantha hadn't known differently, she wouldn't even have recognized this as the same apartment she had visited so many times years before.

"Thank you for coming," Carly greeted her.

"It wasn't a problem, I wasn't doing anything."

Carly sat across from Samantha on the new beige sofa. "I guess you're probably wondering why I asked you to come over here?"

"You kind of had me wondering."

"What has John told you about the problems were are having?"

Samantha didn't know what to say. Did she want her telling her that her husband had confided in her about his marital problems? "He just said that things haven't been great between you two lately."

Carly shook her head. "He's right. We can't seem to agree on the simplest of things these days, not that we ever could."

"What do you mean?"

"When we first got married, John pretty much let it up to me to decide how I wanted the apartment decorated or what to cook for dinner. Now he complains about everything. He says I'm not much better. At first I was understanding when he had to go on tour or do some promotional stuff because I could go with him, but now it seems as if we are leading separate lives."

What was she suppose to say, I'm sorry or things will work out between you guys. In all actuality, Samantha didn't have the faintest idea how to make a marriage work.

Carly stood up and walked around behind the sofa. "I know you probably thought I was mental that first day I can up to you in the sidewalk. I mean to have your ex-boyfriend's wife come up, out of the blue and start talking to you like she knew you..., but really, I felt like I knew you."

"Excuse me?"

"Did John ever tell you how we met?"

"No"

"His manager set us up. John hadn't been dating for a while, I'm guessing since you went back to Seattle, and he thought he needed to be seen with a girl. Elliot set it up so it would look like John had a girlfriend, but he made it very clear on our first date," which was said sarcastically, "That he already had a girlfriend. He already had you."

"It was a while before he told me anything about you. One night Robby's girlfriend asked me to go to a club with them because John was going to be there. I had never seen him as upset as he was that night. He didn't talk or participate in the conversation. He looked like someone had just killed his dog. Later, he told me that you had just broken up with him and that you weren't coming back to Buffalo. That was when his attitude changed toward me. He seemed to see me as less than a pretend girlfriend and more as a replacement."

"I'm sure he didn't see you that way. John feel in love with you because..."

'Because you weren't here," Carly finished. "I know John was with you on our wedding day. I couldn't figure out why he never wanted to be alone with me in Hawaii, until I heard him and Robby talking about it the day we got back from our honeymoon."

"Carly, I didn't know you and John were getting married that day, I swear."

"Samantha, I'm not blaming you for my marital problems. That's not what I'm trying to explain to you."

"Then what are you trying to explain?"

Carly ran her fingers through her hair and propped herself on the arm of the couch. "I know your the reason John is giving our marriage another chance, and I want to thank you for it. I do love my husband and I truly want to make my marriage work; but deep down I know he is never going to be as faithful to me as he is to you."

"John isn't faithful to me," Samantha protested.

Carly smiled at this. "Samantha, who does John go to when he has a problem, or when he's upset? Who does he call when he's on tour to let someone know that he's all right? Who does he confide all of his secrets to, tell his fears to? He goes to you. You will always be the single most important person in his life and because I love him, I will have to learn how to deal with that."

John had spent most of his last day in Buffalo with his sisters. He hadn't gotten to see much of them over the past year and a half, so he tried to make up for it at Christmas.

"You're back," Carly announced when he came through the door. She had the small table set for two and candles were lit around.

Quickly John remembered a time several years ago when he had walked into this same apartment with candles lit all around, and an ever so shy girl standing in the middle of it all. Pushing aside those thought, John looked back to Carly. "What's all this about?"

She smiled as she made her way across the room. She helped him out of his coat and gestured for him to sit down at the table. "This is going to be our last night together, I thought we could spend it alone."

"Okay," John said, picking up his fork and dipping it into the food that was before him.

"How were your sisters?"

"You just saw them two days ago."

"That's right I did." Carly was quiet while she and John eat most of the dinner she had cooked. She was going to give one hundred percent to making her marriage work and she knew she had to start on it tonight. Tomorrow John would be flying back to LA, and from there, he would go back on tour.

"How long will you stay in LA before leaving for another tour?"

"We aren't going on tour until the next album comes out."

"When did you decide to do that?"

"We had been talking to Elliot about it for a few weeks. He thinks it would be okay if we had some time to write and record while doing just a few promotional gigs before we go back on a tour." This was all said between bites of food John was shoveling in his mouth.

"That must make you happy. You will have some time to relax."

"I guess"

"What does that mean?" Carly questioned.

"It means I guess having some time off will make me happy," John snapped.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I was just wondering what you were thinking about this."

"About what?"

"About anything. I can never tell what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and lord knows you won't ever tell me."

"If you want to know something, just ask. Stop trying to figure me out."

Carly watched John get up from the table and go sit on the couch. He leaned his head back and looked around, then he looked back to Carly still sitting at the table. "Was Sam here today?"

"How did you know that?"

"She always leaves her shampoo smell behind."

"I didn't notice."

"Most women are so use to smelling nice that they don't pay any attention to other women that smell nice too. Why was she here?"

"I invited her over. It had been a while since I had seen her, so I wanted to talk."

"Why did you wait until the day before she leaves? Sam was probably busy packing or spending time with Artie."

"She said she didn't mind."

"Sam's always going to say that, no matter if she was knee deep in work." John turned his attention back to the television that he had just turned on.

Carly cleared the table, put the dishes in the dishwasher before going back into the living room and sitting next to John. He was watching a Saber's game that was on. "John, I thought we were going to spend tonight together."

"What do you think we're doing?"

Carly snatched the remote from John's hand and clicked the off button. She got up off the couch and threw the remote back at him. "What was that for?" John asked.

"I have been trying all night to get you to talk to me, and I have gotten nothing from you."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything, I don't care. Just talk to me."

"So we can fight? Carly, you know when we start talking about my career or this marriage that all we're going to do is fight, so why even bother."

Turning away so John wouldn't see the tears in her eyes, Carly said, "John, I love you, and I am clinging to the pieces that are left of this marriage, trying to put them back together." Turning back to John she continued, "But I can't do it on my own. You are going to have to meet me half way, or at least try to act like it matters to you. That what we have here is worth saving."

Holding his hands out, John asked, "What do you want me to do? Tell me and I'll do it."

"I don't want to have to tell you. I want you to do things because you want to."

"That doesn't help me much ,Carly. How am I suppose to know if what I do is what you want or if it's just going to cause another fight?"

Carly flopped down in the chair opposite John. "Do you love me?"

"Stop with the silly questions, Carly."

"It's not a silly question. I want to know how you feel about me."

"You know how I feel about you," John shrugged.

"No, I don't. I know that you care for me. You think I'm a pretty good cook, but I don't know how you really feel about me."

"I married you didn't I?"

Carly nodded her head, "Yeah, you did, but why?"

"Why did I marry you? Because it was time."

"Time for what? For you to have a wife, for me to have someone to take care of me? What was it time for?" Anger now showed through all of Carly's movements and tone of voice.

"What are you so upset for?"

"John, let me ask you a question. If Samantha had shown up at that church before the ceremony, would you still have gone through with the wedding?"

John's eyes narrowed as he asked, "How did you know Samantha came to the church that day?"

"I heard you and Robby talking about her when we got back from Hawaii. So I want to know." Standing up, John went to the window. "Don't walk away from me, John."

"Carly, leave it alone," John ordered.

"I'm not going to leave it alone, because I want an answer." She waited for him to give it to her and when he didn't say anything she yelled, "Tell me!"

Carly clutched John's arm, forcing him to face her. "Tell me John, would you have married me that day if Samantha had shown up earlier."

"Carly don't do this."

"Just tell me," she screamed.

Equally loud, John said, "Probably not. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted to hear? If Sam had come back it would have been her I married and not you."

Carly stepped back and let go of John's arm. "Do you still love her?"

Agitated, John ran his had trough his hair. "Carly, lets stop this."

"Do you still love her?" she repeated.

"Yes, I do, and I'm always going to love her." John stepped closer to Carly, reaching out to take her face in his hands. He turned her face so they were looking eye to eye. "But you are the one I chose to marry, to spend the rest of my life with."

"Only because she wasn't there," Carly sobbed, turning away from him