Raspberry Boulevard!

Making Friends
The Misadventures of a Lonely Planet Boy
via Computer Personals

This page here is my latest brainfart... Okay, has anyone reading this page ever tried placing a personal ad? I placed my first personal ad ever in 1997. I was bored, it was hot outside, and I saw a full page advertisement boasting "Meet Phoenix Singles Tonight! Free Trial!" If you know me at all, I'm a notorious cheapskate. I tried the personals, recording some goofy ad about myself. It was like rehearsing the script for a bad commercial but I finally got my sales pitch sounding okay. Then, I listened to the ads other women placed. After listening to a few hundred ads, I found a promising one. A 32 y/o woman who liked hard rock and comedy... as opposed to low riding cars and rap music! I spoke to this women briefly and she was very down-to-earth and cool. We both spoke of being tired of bar scene, blah, blah, blah. We arranged to meet, ironically, at a bar to check out my friend's hard rock cover band. I'm a rock n roll loser so at the time I didn't even have a functional car. She says "That's awright, I'll pick you up at seven o'clock." At 6:55 PM, there was a knock at my door. I opened the door to find a very hot blond bombshell in leather regalia with lots of silver jewelry. WHOA! We went out to the bar, had a blast, and began seeing each other for about 3 months. Then she blew me off, disappeared, and is now filed in the Jay Smith Back Pages. I wouldn't saw this girl was without her flaws. She lied habitually, was boring in bed, was very superficial, and loved her cocaine but she was also cute and had a gorgeous ass. I was in love with this woman! Sometimes, I think I still am... Anyway, this experience was an exception to the rule I later learned. I met the psychotic, the clingy, the UNFORGIVINGLY OBESE, the boring, and the ones who are looking for Mr. Right and most likely are STILL searching for him to this day. ***Pathetic*** I have since completely given up on the telephone personals.

When I got my computer, the bug hit me again. The word "FREE" popped up again on the Classifieds 2000 homepage. I composed another wacky ad with the headline reading "Skinny Rock and Roll Guy." The email I received from this ad inspired me to create this very page you're looking at. I have verbatim transcripts of the mail I received in response to this ad. Enjoy!

sorry about that yes i meant me what if i don't live there and am glad
that your genitic rocker. so who am i well my names karen and i have
blonde hair blue green eyes that chang color with my moods i really
don't knoe what to say right now so write back and i well do better next
time for i have just got uo from a very rough night of sleep ttyl karem

Anyone want to guess what Appalachian state this girl is from?

Read on...

This is a response to your advertisement on Classifieds2000.
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Men Seeking Women, Talk/E-mail, Phoenix, Arizona
Skinny Rocker Guy, 22
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my friend and I think that by far you are the ugliest guy we have seen in the
personal ads so far today. Go back to your drug fucked band and get bent !!

PS: get a haircut hairy man !!
PPS: get a facelift!!

Maybe these two girls are on to something but since they live in Australia, I'm going to blame it on their culture. Is it me or are these Aussies stuck in the "me" decade of the 1980s? They all seem attracted to these surfer dudes who look like Rob Lowe and they like shitty dance music. Fuck them and their beaches!

hi i think i was in the wrong place dont know this stuff is new to me i see
you look for a girl? well iam a guy but do give some of the best head..?? well
if u want some no questions asked let me know

This is one of the many guys who wrote to me wanting to suck my dick. ??? Obviously, the ad states "Talk/Email". Folks, I've gotten lots of these letters and I think they reflect the state of America. If you ain't gettin' enough head these days maybe you should broaden your horizons to include members of the same sex... I guess.

They let me out for the weekend too. Are you into alittle herbage?????????
i might be the rocker cick for you!!!!!!

What the hell is herbage? I wonder... Must be from another Appalachian state.

After all this bullshit, I still DON'T have any new friends!! I believe that no matter how "tired of the bar scene" I ever get, I will no longer resort to ads like this one. Maybe I had it good just walking into a bar, copping a Johnny Thunders pose, and hoping some gutter angel wants to take me back to the trailer for some Wig Wam Bam. Maybe technology isn't as advanced as we think. Stay tuned because I'm certain this is only going to get better!

These are actual email responses. I did not fabricate any of this. No shit!!!