101 Songs About Sport

The band Sportchestra consisted of several members of Chumbawamba and dozens of other guests. The band released only one double LP, entitled 101 Songs About Sport. The original 101 songs appeared "out of sequence" on the album, in the order that they are presented below.

21. Desmond Lynam's Sports Trivia

From the heights of Montezuma to the shores of Sicily
From the rainplains of Africa
Across the shining sea
From the East to the West
From the rainforests to the dustbowls
It's bigger than Jesus
Bigger than Rock & Roll
What is it?
Sport!
You can love it or loathe it
But you can't get away from it
It's played, watched, and talked about all over the world
From the backstreets of Naples
To the docklands of Hull
It's bigger than Jesus
Bigger than Rock & Roll
What is it?
Sport!
Livingstone and Stanley were sitting in a hut
In the African jungle, talking and stuff
About how they'd discovered this big continent
How they'd dared to go where no-one else went
When out of the bush came this skinny little kid
And what was he wearing? A Liverpool strip!
He had an NFL helmet and some brand new cricket boots
A packet of questions from Trivial Pursuit
Q: What happened when Rugby Union minnows Shirley Wanderers went to Twickenham?
A: They stole a set of goal posts after an international!

37. Leather on Willow, etc.

At Farnley Park cricket ground there's a Sycamore tree
And it stands thirty feet inside the boundary
I think that someone slapped a Preservation Order on the tree
So it's good the players don't take the game too seriously
Now there are no advertising boards to get in the way
And no computer scoreboard, hip, hip, hooray
Just an old bloke and a stubby pencil end
Who misses a run or two now and again
You see he's too busy looking at the Sycamore tree
He says, "It's all part of the game"
And I agree

60. Isn't It Horrible?

Oh isn't it horrible?
I can't look
He fell on the ski-jump
And he's not getting up
The car he was driving
Just blew a tire
Oh isn't it horrible?
He's all on fire
The race she was running
Was terribly tough
She collapsed with a hamstring
And they stretchered her off
And just when the speedboat
Was picking up speed
It smashed on a wave
And both drivers were dead
Dead!
Oh isn't it horrible?
The hidden thought
That death and injury
Makes for popular sport

84. Jimmy Hill

If I had the wings of an angel
The dirty black arse of a crow
I'd fly over BBC studios
And shit on the bastards below
Shit on, shit on, shit on the bastards below, below
Shit on, shit on, shit on the bastards below

18. The Bull Fights Back

Matador impaled upon the horns of the beast
Tossed and flipped, a sequined rag-doll
This frightened, tortured, mutilated animal
Has got it's own back once and for all
I saw the picture in the newspaper
And all I could think was, "Olé! Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!"

81. Desmond

British champion for fifty years
Easily beats all his challengers
Bored of always being the best
He'd rather be like all the rest
Miscuing shots and fluffing smashes
Missing the table and losing matches
Now with pressure from above
He was forced to carry on
"You're the best, don't you want to win?"
To which he replied with a cheeky grin
"I'm bored of always being the best
I'd rather be like all the rest!"
Desmond rebelled, now he plays for fun
He loses a game now and then
He enjoys it, though, playing for pleasure
Without the competition, without the pressure
Miscuing shots and fluffing smashes
Missing the table and losing matches

85. Whilst Stocks Last

It's the old stock car thing
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!
Round the track and round again
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!
Revving, coughing, stutt-stutt-stuttering
Tongue-in-cheek scrap motor racing
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!
Revving, coughing, stutt-stutt-stuttering
Tongue-in-cheek scrap motor racing
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!
Write-offs end, stock cars begin
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!
It's the old stock car thing
Crash! Smash! Crash! Ring!

3. We Want Beans Not Goals

Remember Mexico '86?
"Dirty" Diego, the Saint and Greaves
All covering up the cracks of an economic crisis
What the cameras don't show the viewers won't notice
Earthquake victims still in shacks
And 5,000 steelworkers given the sack
The protestors demanding beans not goals
The reality hidden as the spectacle prevails
Create a diversion, hide the real poverty
With pockets full of money, with stomachs still empty

97. It's a Man's Game

All through the game he shouts at his mates
Talking, talking, talking, never shuts his face
Into the pub for a sporting discussion
He always tries to dominate the conversation
At home there's more serious things to discuss
His partner tries to prompt him, "Let's talk about us"
He's silent now, he has nothing to say
The ball's in his court, but he don't know how to play

90. P.E.

The new games tutor was like any other teacher
Same blatant ideology they're trying to install in you
At every opportunity they'd press us to compete
Taught to butt and how to kick and how to stamp on feet
How to punch, how to gouge when you're down in the scrum
"You've got to be ruthless if you want to be a winner, son"
If people get hurt as you battle to the top
Well, it's natural selection, it really can't be helped
So never be afraid of some healthy competition
It'll never let you down
It's what capitalism is based upon
So never be afraid of some healthy competition
It'll never let you down
It's what capitalism is based upon So never be afraid
It'll never let you down

10. Hmmm...

Outside the ground at Luton Town
A crazy opportunist has sprayed upon a wall
A simple proclamation for all to read
"Revolution is a better game than football"

68. Orienteering

Compass, whistle, cagoul, map
Count your steps along the track
To checkpoint one
Checkpoint two
Checkpoint three and back
Compass bearing sou-sou-west
Choose the route you think is best
Judging distance, pace and line
Head and feet to cut the time
To checkpoint one
Checkpoint two
Checkpoint three and back
Checkpoint one
Checkpoint two
Checkpoint three and back

75. Memories of Shilts

England's goalkeeper since Gordon Banks
Consistent, reliable, a safe pair of hands
But despite all his saves and all his acrobatics
I can't help recalling something more dramatic
Of an incident in the back of a car
When Shilts was caught with his bottom bare
And the image of him and his apparent agility
Will stay with me longer than his goalkeeping ability
Bare! Caught with his bottom bare!
Bare! Caught with his bottom bare!
With his bottom bare, he was caught with his bottom bare!
With his bottom bare, he was caught with his bottom bare!
With his bottom bare

35. Ever Heard the One About the Pacemaker?

Never good enough to win the race
He was always asked to make the pace
Speeding off then left behind
To watch someone else win the golden mile
Tired of always being forgotten
Whilst others got the glory
He decided to set out one day
And run himself into history
So next race in he set the pace
Then carried on and on
Have you heard the one about the pacemaker?
He won!

80. Michaelangelo

Michaelangelo was a genius
Artist, architect, physician
The darling of the Florentine scene
Inventor, scientist, mathematician
But less well-known are his regular stints
With Florence football club
A Renaissance soccer player
Good with either foot
A world-class all-rounder
Up front, midfield, in goal
He was great with a pencil or a surgeon's knife
But he was better with a ball

46. Sports

When racing fast it's easy enough
To make a wrong decision
Just be sure that when you crash
You're on television
You're on television
You're on television
You're on television

14. Studmarks on the Summits

Business bought the athletes out
With gold medals and role models
Drugs and media and national pride
Why join in when you can watch it on TV?
So out of the stadiums!
Into the hills!
Out of the armchairs!
Onto the fells!
Staggering through mud and peat
Gasping breaths and sucked-in cheeks
Bogs like lead to clutch your feet
Through the rivers, over peaks
So out of the stadiums!
Into the hills!
Out of the armchairs!
Onto the fells!
Studmarks next to summit heather
Everything suddenly comes together
No audience viewing-figures
Just you against yourself
So out of the stadiums!
Into the hills!
Out of the armchairs!
Onto the fells!

64. The Rise and Fall and Rise of Greavsie

"So, Greavsie, well, what about the black lads gettin' bananas thrown at em?"
"Well, it seems a bit unfortunate, I mean, uh, uh"
Sitting on the bench, he starts another drink
Drowning his sorrows watching Geoff Hurst's hat-trick
The pressures of success led him to the bottle
Now famous for his drinking, when once it was his football
Now a TV personality, I see him every week
If only he was as clever with his mouth
As he was with his feet
"The songs about critical, what you think about that"
"I'm not saying, I mean, it seems a bit unfair on me, I mean I've only had me breakfast"
"Ah ha ha, you'll be the death of my, Greavsie"

34. Mick McManus' Haircut

The Saturday afternoon tradition
Three falls and one submission
Boston crab and half-nelson
Bouncing around for television
Learn the moves and collect your pay
I'll be the one they boo today
Nothing at all to do with sport
Just cheap entertainment, of sorts

96. The Incompatibility of Sport and Cosmic Consciousness

When I play cricket
I'm the longest at the wicket
I can jump and swim
And I live in the gym
But I can't come to terms
With my existence as part of the universe
I gaze at the sky
I think how? When? And why?
I go to the lavatory
In tune with astrology
Well I get really confused
With the complicated scoring system
Used in tennis
I get around in canoes
Racing cars, balloons
I drink squash, eat Polo
Mints, climb mountains solo
But I can't get my head
'Round that Salvador Dali
Weirdo stuff
I really feel fine
With the planets in line
I see the future in hands
And I live off the land
But I can't see Frank Bruno
Asking me which star sign
I think he is
Whether you are physically
Or mentally inclined
Imagine what the fun could be
If both could be combined
I know I'm speaking as a weakling
With a cosmic kind of mind
But I can feel in sport emotions
Of a unifying kind
So do whatever you like to do
And whether you win or not
Make sure the game was fairly played
And try to smile a lot
Because whatever you do should be good for you
Make the most of what you've got
'Cause Whatever you do should be good for you
Make the most of what you've got

20. Zola Budd

She's a slip of a girl to be out of school
She's a product of apartheid
She won her spurs under minority rule
She's a product of apartheid
Afrikaners run the best
In bare feet and British vest
"She's a slip of a girl but at least she's white"
"She's a slip of a girl but at least she's white"

93. Groundhopping

Another Sunday match again
Another Merseyside clash again
It's the 36th this season
By my calculations
That's when I made the decision
To stay in the lower divisions
Travelling from town to town
Hopping round from ground to ground
For the character and determination
In the face of bankruptcy
For the passion and dedication
Despite the threat of the Vauxhall League
And the stands may be empty
And the bank account too
But there's something in my stomach
Says they'll always pull through
That's when I made the decision
To stay in the lower divisions
Travelling from town to town
Hopping round from ground to ground

4. Naming Names

Sniffer Clarke
Chopper Harris
The Doog
Crazy Horse
Norman Bite Yer Legs
The Barnsley Spud
Bonetti The Cat
Alan Ball's White
Alan Ball's White
Alan Ball's White Boots

33. Outfoxed

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dogs
Aided and abetted by the Local Hunt Sabs

38. Shoot

I heard that in the First World War
The soldiers called a truce
For a Christmas game of football
Instead of fighting their pointless war
Instead of fighting their pointless war
Pointless war, pointless war, pointless war
A general later condemned the men
Said that "Fraternizing with the enemy
Was an appalling breach of regulations"
So draw your own conclusions
Draw your own conclusions
Draw your own conclusions

16. A Lament to the Best

Oh, where are you now George?
Now that wingers have been laid to rest
And shirts have adverts across their breast
And it's all about who's the richest
Where are you now George?
With those boots that laced up the side
And that Irish shirt that you wore with pride
And that picture of you with Mike Summerbee and bride
Oh, where are you now George?
I dreamed of you dribbling past City's back four
And leaving Joe Corrigan fumbling on the floor
And the Stretford End singing "More! Bestie! More!"
Where are you now George?
In a boutique down Carnaby Street?
Or gambling on the horses at an Aintree meet?
Oh where oh where are those magic feet?
I know where you've been
On Granada every week
I want you to come back to me
And have you seen George Oghani
And Charlie George?

94. Rip It Up

Too many crap programs
With too many adverts
Too much Matthew Engel bullshit
And not enough dirt
Media and programs
All dull and mundane
How to fill up space
When you've nothing left to say
So rip it up and start it again!
Rip it up and start it again!
Oh, rip it up and start it again!
Rip it up and start it again!
Fingerpost! Terrace Talk! Wise Men Say!
Elmsie Ender! The Absolute Game!
Not The View! Off The Ball! I could go on and on
But I've just bought the latest When Sunday Comes
Kick up the R's! Northern Light! City Gent!
Voice Of The Valley! The Crooked Spirite!
Eagle Eye! And The Pie! I could go on and on
But I've just bought the latest When Saturday Comes

42. One Under Par

Away from work finding peace
With a swing on the seventeenth lined with trees
You're out playing golf for the day
Hoping that with a bit of luck
Someone will study a chemistry book
And blow up the office while you're away

30. Mountain Biking

There's pedal bikes and motor bikes
And now they're riding mountain bikes
Up and down and out of town
Over, under, through, around
I ride my little bicycle, I ride it to the top
No red lights or traffic signs to tell me when to stop
There's racing bikes and motor bikes
And now they're riding mountain bikes
Up and down and out of town
Over, under, through, around

5. Benefits of the Game

Whilst Robson plays his Sharp CD
And Beardsley paints his lounge "hint of green"
And the big clubs dream of a Superleague
Of Keegan's "reasonable" three thousand a week
But back at Sinthonia, the ground's hardly packed
And the bank won't give them an overdraft
So it's play a full team of Y.T.S.
Or get sponsored by the D.H.S.S.
Oh no!
Oh yes!

9. Seoul Music

There'll be new events in Seoul '88
Throwing the molotov and the hundred meter loot
Hurdling over barricades putting the brick
Vaulting over riot cops in the peoples Olympics
The people are angry and the boss is running scared
The Olympics of the Oppressed, and the boss is running scared
People are content with Olympic prestige
It means the poor are evicted to house the rich
Let big business move in and advertise
To gloss over the reality of Korean daily life
But the people are angry and the boss is running scared
The Olympics of the Oppressed and the boss is running scared

71. Bing Oh!

Bing played golf
Do-be-do-be-do
In the rain
Do-be-do-be-do
Struck by lightning
Do-be-do-be-do
Never again Do-be-do-be-do-be-do-be-do

25. Spassky Fischer

Knight to Bishop 4
Next move in the cold war
In the Spassky/Fischer battle
To see who rules the castle
Spassky takes Hungary (and Czecks)
Fischer takes Grenada
Russian tanks to Afghanistan
U.S. Pawns to Viet Nam
But it's Spassky rebellion
A Fischer uprising
The pawns have taken over
And overthrown the king

55. Ashes to Ashes

The bowler's running in, the batsman lights a fag
He keeps a packet handy and it's lodged inside his pad
Because it's written in his contract that after every over
He has to have a smoke just to satisfy the sponsor
In a bid to save the sport he sacrifices his health
His inning is getting shorter and so is his breath
Seems the price of survival involves a cigarette
Making money out of sport and choking it to death

29. Disabled Sports

I saw one legged skiers, agile and graceful
In and out the slalom, rushing ever downwards
And there weren't any losers
I saw marathon runners, strong and determined
Hunched in wheelchairs, and pushing ever onwards
And there weren't any losers
And there weren't any losers

67. Sunday League Footy

Let's face it lads, you're really crap!
But you're exciting to watch, I'll give you that
Not for a wage, not for fame
Not for directors
For the love of the game
You chicken out
You fluff the shot
You fall and shout
And foul a lot
Let's face it lads, you're really crap!
But you're exciting to watch, I'll give you that

40. Dad's Mascot

At the beach, pressure's on
Dad in trunks and vest
Four years old, today's the day
He gives me my big test
Picking up a beach ball
Red, green, yellow, blue
He throws it at my feet
Wonders what I'll do
Do I kick it back?
Beautifully struck!
He's dying to get his son
Into a football strip
Or run away to build a castle
And precipitate the end
Of our relationship

87. Lester Piggot, Cell Block No. 9

The millionaires are closing ranks
Tax-dodging in the race to the bank
Listen for the slamming of the stable doors
After the horse has bolted
Trapped fingers, and someone's to blame
The Jockey Club is tightening the reins
All the wealth and power
Owned by a handful of people
With YTS workers
In the star-studded stables
I have no sympathy for the Inland Revenue
But Lester Piggot, I'm glad they caught you

52. Where Did the Chinaman Go?

Where did the chinaman go?
Where did the chinaman go?
Bowled out of favor when the paceman move in
As pitches got faster with no turn or spin
"Bowl faster, bowl at him, bowl bodyline
If we can't get him out, we'll make him retire!"
Where did the chinaman go?
Where did the chinaman go?
Where did the googly go?
Where did the googly go?
Who still bowls a googly in this day and age?
When bouncers and beamers are all the rage
Forced to take guard with helmet and visor
Awaiting the arrival of Slazenger armor
Where did the googly go?
Where did the googly go?
Bring back the chinaman
Bring back the googly
And long live Dicky Bird

12. How Dare They Call It Football?

From Coca-Cola to TV politics
Cruise missiles to chicken-in-buckets
From words and images to advertising
From Colonel Sanders to cop-car sirens
And now the American Football circus
More showbiz sport come to plague us
Plastic pitches, plastic tradition
Another part of the US invasion

28. Karl Marx Never Made The Squad

There's entertainment
There's politics
There's popular culture
There's dialectics
But never the twain shall meet
Never the twain shall meet
This is a myth, propagated by the bourgeois wordsmiths
Who never put a ball in the back of the net
Who never padded up or picked up a bat
Who never spent an afternoon watching their sport
Never saw the bosses quietly taking over
Never saw the stadiums, terraces, arenas
Bought off, remodeled by G plan designers
Sold off and ripped off by company directors
All these so called "revolutionaries"
Who are too busy with the uprising to see what's going on
Will be shocked to discover that at this very moment
Ron Pickering is preparing a crack squad of Proles
Too liberate our sport from its capitalist oppressors
In tracksuits and trainers, the rising of the masses!

88. Hurling and Imperialism

Hurling, the national sport of Ireland
Was banned in 1366
As part of an Anglo-Norman attempt
To crush all Gaelic resistance
It failed
Over six hundred years of British repression
Has never stopped the people from fighting back
They still play hurling and as you'd expect
The Brits still defend as the Irish attack

7. Punch Drunk

The evolution of humankind
An opposing digit, the use of tools
Inventing the wheel, exploring space
Brain size still developing
Two men and a referee
Foam gloves and a silver cup
Devolution about to begin
Round one, ding, ding!
A perfect right to the other's chin
No tools, wheels, or exploration
Brain size still developing
The evolution of humankind
The evolution of humankind
The evolution of humankind
The evolution of humankind

91. School Team

I always wanted to play
In the school football team
But the coach said I wasn't fast enough
I wasn't no good it seemed
I used to watch them practice
But I never got a game
I went to every trial they had
But every time I failed
I didn't want to be Pele
Unlike all my mates
That wasn't my ambition
I just wanted once to play
The football team would travel out
Playing other schools
But they'd never take me on the bus
Although I begged them to
Of course they'd all return
With talk of Robbo's goals
And how little Nobby Forder
Took the defense all on his own
All the ninety minutes were relived
Well, that's how to me it seemed
As I sat in awe and watched myself
Playing in my dreams
In my dreams...
Playing in my dreams...
In my dreams...
But never once the real thing
They'd never let me play
They just said I wasn't good enough
And I'd just get in the way
But then one day it happened
A real scorcher in mid-March
Paul Robbo broke his leg
And Nobby Forder holidayed in France
Kevin Soaper and Big Nose Duggan
They both caught chicken pox
They were both at home confined to bed
To nurse their itchy spots
It was the all-important semi-final
Second leg of the cup
Against local rivals Queensbury Boy's School
They were one nil up
The coach turned to me in desperation
And he pleaded for my help
"This is it, your big chance David!
Can you make the numbers up?"
Well I grinned from ear to ear
And I must have looked quite chuffed
As I seized my opportunity
And told him to get stuffed!

59. Graham Hill

For twenty years Graham Hill
Risking life and limb
Drove the circuits of the world
And they said it would kill him
"Going so fast is a fine way to win
But one crash could make a mockery of that famous cheeky grin"
As irony would have it
Years after he retired
The light aircraft he was piloting
Exploded, and he died

76. Bob Beamon

Three steps forward, two steps back
Oblivious to all around
Psyching up for the big jump
Breathing getting deeper
Then charging down the track
Hitting the board just right
All that energy released
And now in perfect flight
That moment when all that training
Comes together perfectly
When nothing seems impossible
Just you, airborne and free

78. Yup and Under

Yuppies, I've been taught,
Are keen on sport
Two slices wholemeal loaf
Into towelette jogging suit
Once round the park
Quick game of squash
Staving off a heart attack
With F-Plan diet and Filofax
In a world where
Participation can be bought
Yuppies, I've been taught
Are keen on sport

98. Shot

All gathered 'round the 18th tee
With pringle and tartan and shooting sticks
Binoculars, poised, ready to use
Watching, waiting, there it goes!
Great shot!
Great shot!
What a shot!
Great shot!
The aspiring middle classes
They want to shake the golfer's hand
Great shot!
Great shot!
What a shot!
Great shot!
But the golfer is busy watching
As his ball lands in the sand

41. Amereicha

In '36 the world's teams
Played up, played up, and played the game
Runners, jumpers, footballers
All sieg-heilling the Fuhrer
Not so the black Americans
Who, point-blank, refused
And on returning home from this precedent
Were refused a meeting with the president

53. For Those of You Watching in Black and White

Now he's going for the grey ball
Into the top left pocket
A touch off the slightly darker grey ball
And he's snookered behind the grey ball
Oh, he's going for the grey ball
Now that's a surprise
A kiss on the slightly lighter grey ball
Now just the grey ball to play
What a colorful game this is!
What a colorful game this is!
What a colorful game this is!
What a colorful game this is!
What a colorful game this is!
What a colorful game this is!

65. Indoor League

Na then!
Get another drink!
And get yourself sat down
We'll have a game of shave ha'penny
And loser gets next round
Get another drink!
And get your arrows out
We'll have a game of 501
And mine's a pint of stout
So get another drink!
And you've got two shots
And now I can't remember
Who's the stripes and who's the spots
So get another drink!
I can't make it the bar
Too much sport you understand
And too much beer
I'll Sithi!

15. Drugs

All the runners running downhill
All the throwers with strap-on muscles
Gold, silver, and bronze
To the designer-drugs and anabolic steroids
Random testing doesn't exist
No promoters will take the risk
Street-price injection for a personal best
Praise to Roche for finishing first
All the runners have their little helpers
All the throwers on uppers and downers
"From now on," said Ron
"It's downhill all the way."

73. The Choice Is Yours

Watch Ben Johnson on TV
Or try to beat your own PB
The choice is yours
You decide
Get square eyes
Or get outside!

79. Australian Rules Football

Both players and watchers,
No-one knows the rules
That's what makes the game so great
"Just get out there
And slug your opponent!"
That's what makes the game so great
That's what makes the game so great
That's what makes the game so great

11. Heysel Stadium

Heysel stadium, it's easy to remember
How the game continued despite the disaster
"With all those millions of viewers, we've got to carry on
It would be financial suicide to stop at this point."
And there's a ready-made scapegoat, ready to blame
Hooligans fighting, ruining the game
Ignoring the bad planning and cramming-in of fans
Right next to each other in crumbling stands
Putting money before safety caused those deaths
Whilst greedy bosses in their boxes shout and turn red
"Get those bodies back the full ten yards!
They're covering up the advertising boards!"

26. Horses For Courses

Cut and clipped to make you sleek
Whipped and brushed from stall to track
Laden down with heavy pack
Or carrying rider on your back
And finally your neck is broken
Pushed too hard at Beeches Brook
I'll bet, I'll bet
Thirteen to one
Thirteen to one
And the damage done

74. Awesome Wheels

I got a skateboard
Oo-ee-oo!
I'm skating down the street
With my trucks all new
Here comes the NME
Coming into view
Looking for a gimmick
That it can screw
"You've got a skateboard
Oo-ee-oo!
Do you like the Stupids?
Can we interview you?
What kind of fancy tricks
Do you do?
Are those original
All-star shoes?"
Now it's not a sport
It's a saleable craze
They're screwing us over
In a million ways
"Sign on the dotted line
You know it pays"
Who wants a skateboard?
I'm giving mine away

49. Armchair Sport

When Grandstand's finished, and Sport On Two
And there's nothing much left to do
Too lazy to leave the armchair
Can only manage to plug in the computer
And pretend that this is exercise
Playing sports by pressing keys all day
Well it was never meant to be this way
Computer sport in a high-tech society
Television crippled you!
And now there's nothing much left to do
So get out of the living room and into a kit
On your marks, get set, go--get fit!

95. Tubby Barlow

Posed like swallows before a dive
Five lanes, and on the left hand side
Stands Tubby Barlow wet with fear
Not quite sure what he's doing there
On your marks, get set, and they're in
Tubby's consumed by the urge to win
Four are greased lightning, one is lard
But Tubby's determined not to be left behind
Ten years of being pushed around flash before his eyes
Alone in the schoolyard eating his pride
In third place as they reach the turn
His arms ache and his chest burns
Kids are cheering from the balcony
Tubby's oblivious, all he can see
Is that this is the moment to change his life
By collecting a trophy on the other side
Past Steven Clough and Kenny Grey
"Mum, mum, I'm winning the race!"
He opens his mouth and water floods in
He's coughing, choking, panicking
Down once, down twice, 'till someone screams
"Sir, Tubby Barlow's drowning!"
But Baz Wilson's already in
Got his intermediate in life saving
The captain of the football team
Idol of every young girl's dream
Drags Tubby towards the rope
But Tubby's confused and grips his throat
As both boys begin to skin
"Sir, Baz Wilson's drowning!"
Tubby opens his eyes for one last time
Sees Baz flailing at his side
Like Jesus after the resurrection
Sees himself as Baz's salvation
Grabs Baz, heads for the side
"Chariots of Fire" playing in his mind
Meanwhile Steven Clough gets first position
But they're all watching Tubby save Baz Wilson
Now Tubby lays like a whale on the shore
Gasping and spewing like a real hero
Like a real hero!

2. Chelsea's Back Four

Closed circuit TV and hooligans
The guinea pigs are the football fans
Using football's bad reputation
For crowd control operations
Seizing on any chance
To justify the Public Order Act
The thick blue line is not Chelsea's back four
It's the James Anderton XI

92. Eddie The Eagle

Step by step
Climbing to the top
Eddie the Eagle
The epitome of sport
Not for the winning
Or the advertising deals
Not for the money or glory
Just for taking part
It's like when I was at school
And we got beat 10-1
My dad would always say
"At least you tried, son"
And now there's a hero for those
Who thought sport was never fun
Eddie, the loser,
Who finally won
Eddie, the loser,
Who finally won
Eddie, the loser,
Who finally won

45. Sporting Ties

The wife she washes the football strip
The wife buys my sports socks and irons my kit
I lose a golf shoe, the wife looks for it
And that's what I call teamwork
And that's what I call teamwork
The wife she repairs my badminton shorts
The wife types up the team reports
The wife feeds the kids whilst I'm on the court
And that's what I call teamwork
And that's what I call teamwork
And that's what I call teamwork

51. Lost In Rome

That Thompson and Cram both lost in Rome
Was no surprise, when one thinks
Of all the rubbish they consumed
Those cereals and drinks
Lured by big advertising deals
Force-fed crap at every meal
Stomachs full and wallets too
"Eat this son and you're bound to lose"
Thompson and Cram now advertise
The same products with a different tack
"Lucozade Aids Defeat," says one
And, "Start First And Finish Last"

69. Jos

Jos Naylor of Wasdale
Greatest fell runner of our time
Running the mountains
And working the farm
Cutting the bracken
Constructing walls
Studded farm boots
Attacking the fells
Then one day in '78
The final twist in the tale of Jos The Great
Four slipped discs, a career's culmination
Jos took a job at Windscale power station
Well, they say you can tell now
When Jos is out running
'Cause he glows
'Cause he glows in the dark

82. Polo

Polo has the biggest pitch of any ball game
Polo has the biggest idiots
On the biggest pitch of any ball game
Polo has the biggest idiots
With the biggest bank accounts
On the biggest pitch of any ball game
I wish that polo had the biggest rate of death
Of the biggest idiots
With the biggest bank accounts
On the biggest pitch of any ball game

39. Bowls

Bees buzzing, birds singing
The jack turning off the crown
A lawnmower in the distance
The wood coming nicely 'round
Sitting near the green just chatting
A bad rub, a blocked line
Watching that throw for length
A bias on the garden cutting it fine
"See you tomorrow, Ada"
"See you tomorrow, Bill"

89. Mad Max

Dipping into his Filofax
He wonders who he can buy next
"C'mon, Play the game the Maxwell way
And you'll never lose, come what may"
There'll be the Maxwell League
And the Maxwell Cup
The Maxwell Trophy
For Maxwell clubs
Maxwell United and Maxwell Town
Who only play at Maxwell grounds
If you believe what the Mirror says
You'd think that Maxwell's trying to save the game
"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall
Who's the biggest liar of all?"
There'll be the Maxwell League
And the Maxwell Cup
The Maxwell Trophy
For Maxwell clubs
Maxwell United and Maxwell Town
Who only play at Maxwell grounds
Mister, can we have our football back?

72. Not Sport

Birds strung on barbed wire hanging in the sun
Grouse moors trampled to the crack of guns
Greyhounds snapping at a hare on the run
Corpse of a fox when the day is done
It's killing for fun

31. Shin-Paring

Hey bugger me, now where's mi clogs?
Sunday cap and Sunday togs
Come along and pare some shins
Winner often wins
Hey ho! And away we go!
Kick your opponent's shins, oh!
Hey ho! And away we go!
Legs are made to bleed, oh!
Up the hills wi'nothing on
Down the pike to Todmorden
Battling at the village fete
Where shin and clog will meet
Hey ho! And away we go!
Kick your opponent's shins, oh!
Hey ho! And away we go!
Legs are made to bleed, oh!
Oh! Oh!
Hey ho! And away we go!
Kick your opponent's shins, oh!
Hey ho! And away we go!
Legs are made to bleed, oh!

43. The Tennis Racket

Sat with strawberries and cream
Listening to all the players scream
From right to left and left to right
"The ball was in!"
"No, it was out!"
The money goes up the fun has gone
There's a thousand pounds on every point
And all the players bicker and shout
"The ball was in!"
"No, it was out!"
That's not what tennis is all about
That's not what the game is all about
Whether the ball was in or out
That's not what tennis is all about
You cannot be serious!

54. The Englishman Abroad

Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun
Taking on the locals, every man jack of 'em
Stupid, drunken, gobby toughs
No excuse is good enough
Arrogant, ignorant, insensibly pissed
When you've nothing to prove, you prove it with your fists
This is England's chief export
Football hooligans--an embarrassment to the sport

6. The Bowler's Botha, The Batsman's Gooch

Gooch, you're scum, it's as simple as that
Defending white oppression, battling for Apartheid
Blinded by the Krugerands
Ignoring all the shanty towns
The fascist, racist governments
The beatings, the internments
And Botha bowls a full toss and Gooch hits a boundary
Still padding up and batting for the biggest white lie

48. All's Well At Oakwell

From Upton Park to the Baseball Ground
From Old Trafford to Anfield Road
It's the same old story if you're disabled
Just token gestures, no real facilities
All those clubs so famous and rich
Stick the disabled by the side of the pitch
Exposed to snow and wind and rain
With a limited view of the game
But down at Oakwell things are different
You don't have to stay at home if you're disabled
There's a special stand, with a decent view
What big clubs don't consider--Barnsley do!

50. Forgotten

Old, old limbs move slowly now
Up and down stairs from bed to chair
A balsa puppet struggles to remember
Cheering crowds and famous victories
That was a full life
Now dim in a half-light
Of newsreels and winner's shields
Take care, move slowly now
There are precious few
Who still remember you

23. The Fun In Games

The little leagues, the spare-time sports
Works teams and pub teams
Sandwiches for the darts competition
Oranges at half time
Spare time tennis, scrambling on fields
Hustle and bustle for the love of the game
Jack high for the local bowls match
Winners and losers, all much the same
But there's a bloke been hanging around
Technical improvements, capital gains
Investment plans, advertising space
He's come to put an end to the fun and games
Come to put an end to the fun and games
Come to put an end to the fun and games

99. Back Home

"Back home, they'll be thinking about us
When we are far away...
Back home, they'll be really behind us
In every game we play..."

8. Walking the Penine Way

It's not so much the distance nor the time it takes
It's not even the cold nor the pains or aches
I can cope with blisters and the weight of my pack
And I don't mind the rain if I've got my mac
But have I cursed Wainwright in my time
To be fair, he said it's all muck and slime
The creeping sludge, the never-ending peat
It were that that nearly finished me, it nearly had me beat
Peat bogs, peat bogs, more peat bogs
You'd never credit it--they burn the stuff instead of logs
Peat bogs, peat bogs, more peat bogs
Well it's such a funny stuff is peat, it's nature's own glue
It got to me, it did, and by the end of day, too
I thought, I'm only carrying on so that I can say
If I've done nothing else, I've walked the Penine way
But I did it seven years ago, so why do it again?
Well I don't really know, and I didn't know then
Unless it's this that's been nagging at my noggin
Peat bogs and me have got this love/hate thing
Peat bogs, peat bogs, more peat bogs
You'd never credit it--they burn the stuff instead of logs
Peat bogs, peat bogs, more peat bogs

63. Tills Ring, Crowds Cheer!

You like to make investments in your favorite sports
Competition pays, talent can be bought
So you made it your business
To make it a business
Now it's all about getting the check
Into the back of the bank account
Now it's all about getting the check
Into the back of the bank account
Tills ring! Crowds cheer!

1. Good Afternoon and Welcome to White Hart Lane

After wading through the flooded toilets
To stand on the crumbling concrete steps
Wind and rain beating in your face
You mumble football's favorite phrase
"That's what the game's all about"
"That's what the game's all about"
But behind double-glazing, high above
The TV on, the starter served
A second-rate match but a four-course meal
With tax-free perks and a business deal
"That's what the game's all about"
"That's what the game's all about"
Executive boxes for the rich
Sterilized, sanitized, neatly packaged
Take no notice of what happens on the pitch
'Cause big business is the man of the match
"Turn the crowd noise down, it's the switch to the right"
It's all to do with business deals
And ripping off the masses and Holsten Pils
And down on the terraces you're piss-wet through
The line is drawn between rich and poor
"That's what this game's all about"
"That's what this game's all about"

27. That Golden Era

That golden era
That golden era
David Bedford, Georgie Best
Olga Korbutt, Eddie Mercx
Tony Jacklin, Jochen Rindt
Ille Nastase, Rachael Flint
Gary Player, Clive Lloyd
Bobby Fischer, Virginia Wade
Eusabio, Alan Knott
Valeri Borzov, Lillian Bord
Lasse Viren, Barry Sheene
Alan Pascoe, Billy Jean King
Franz Klammer, Johann Cruyff
Rivelino, Brian Clough?
That golden era
That golden era
That golden era

86. One-Sided Game

With a flick of the boot and a nod of the head
The ball goes crashing in the back of the net
But the referee and linesman disallow the goal
'Cause the boot's on the other foot, the scorer is a girl
All the men they get together
Squawking, balding birds of a feather
The old boys club is under siege
So they'll never have a woman in the Football League
There ain't nothing like a dame
To the moral guardians of the game
All the men they get together
Squawking, balding birds of a feather
Sport and life, they're both the same
Traditional upheld, imbalance remains

61. Gobsmacked

Outside the pub
Smack you in the gob
Get four long years
In Wormwood Scrubs
Put me in a ring
Fit me with gloves
I get money and fame
For doing what I love
Smacking people in the gob
Smacking people in the gob

24. Games Were Fun

How come all the best athletes
Had the poshest kits
While the slow, fat, thin, and spotty ones
Had shorts that didn't fit?
They never lingered in the changing rooms
With a home-made note
Or batted only once
Before they got caught
And how come all the sporty types
Were the first to grow breasts?
They had Marks & Sparks bras
I squirmed in a vest
Never wore their sisters' shorts
With the wrong initial
Or limped back from cross-country
Two hours behind schedule
And how come they said
That games were fun?
If you want the truth
Ask the ones that never won

57. In Praise of Sumo

Like two gigantic Buddhas
Someone carved from jelly
Huge yet nimble
Strong yet gentle
They pace the sawdust circle
No flicker of emotion
Huge yet nimble
Strong yet gentle
Years of dedication
Mental preparation
Huge yet nimble
Strong yet gentle
Two gigantic Buddhas
Someone carved from jelly
Huge yet nimble
Strong yet gentle
Two blancmange mountains
On a plate of sand

17. On the Beach

54 inch around the chest
Stitching ripping on his vest
Biceps, triceps, ready to flex
A gold medallion around his neck
He looks more like the Michelin Man
He's trapped inside a multi-gym
I think I'd rather be the wimp
Living life the Atlas way
Pumping iron every day
Eats his own big body weight
And never gets sand kicked in his face
He looks more like the Michelin Man
He's trapped inside a multi-gym
I think I'd rather be the wimp

36. A Regular Guy

Boys own hero born again
Savior of the Empire
Come to save our national game
Against all odds, and umpire
Once a simple cricketer
now champion of bravado
He's the darling of the tabloids
'Cause he's got a trendy hairdo
The game was having trouble
Filling advertising space
So our hero padded up
Media face, medium pace

13. Geoff Hurst's Goal

Come on admit it, it never crossed the line
Geoff Hurst's goal in extra time
In the Third World War at Wembley '66
When England won again, to make it a hat-trick
Twenty years later, a replay of another war
The Falklands, Spirit against the skill of Maradona
The Union Jack's drooped, the English were quiet
The Argies won, Maradona had a hand in it
The line between patriotic bigotry and loyal support
Is it going to war or the simple love of sport?

44. The Worm Turns

A quiet Sunday afternoon, away from town and work
Scatter all the groundbait down, relax with rod and hook
But as the worm he wriggles round he dreams of just one wish
The angler would fall into the pond and get eaten by the fish

83. Eddie Waring

I never liked rugby league, it must be said
Decapitated ears and concave heads
My interest held by just one thing
The greatest commentator ever--Eddie Waring
Whether an up-and-under or an early bath
He was always guaranteed to make me laugh
No Coleman histrionics or Benaud Twang
Just down to earth, good humored
Our man in the stand
And now it's time for the Mini Marathon
"Can I play the Joker now?"

47. Sweet F.A.

In the light of the ignorance and misplaced fear
Of the panicked bosses of the Football League
It isn't surprising that hugging and kissing
Are banned on account of the threat of AIDS
It isn't surprising, but it's another depressing
Part of the continuing homophobia
Of old boys clubs scared of men touching
Scared of men openly displaying affection

56. Changing Gears

From the deepest to the highest
Battling for the yellow vest
Changing gears rapidly
Ten seconds to change a wheel
King of the Mountains
Queen of the flats
Sprinting for the line
Then ready to collapse
Up! Up! Up!
The simplicity of the wheel
Has created the bike
On which you don't need to win
To make it fun
So don't get knackered
Take it slow
Don't worry about the vest
Just enjoy the view

58. Frickley

Frickley in South Yorkshire, a small mining town
Where once the riot coppers beat the pickets to the ground
Has a football team, and a stand full of fans
Who love their game and who love revenge
If a cop comes near the ground
On a Saturday afternoon
He'll be heading the bricks
Until he's over the moon

32. Better

Here's a good sport, it's easy to play
And as good a way as any of throwing your money away
Betting offices, men only
Tobacco smoke and radio commentaries
Betting companies first past the post
They're off to Bermuda on the money you lost
Money you lost

70. Rebel Rebel

Every one of them, one in a million
Blaze a trail and tear up the past
Thank heaven for devils and sporting rebels
Count the black sheep, and stuff the rest
Shoot your mouth off, get sent off
Smash your racket on the way to the top
Thank heaven for devils and sporting rebels
The rogue waves in a sea of slop
Thank heaven for devils
Thank heaven for devils
Thank heaven for devils
And stuff the rest

19. City Man City

City, city, city
City, Man city
Living in the city
Manchester city
Colin Bell, Frannie Lee
Neil Young, Mike Summerbee
Rodney Marsh, Alan Oakes
Tommy Booth and Tony Book
City, city, city
City, Man city
Living in the city
Manchester city
City, city, city
City, Man city
Living in the city
Manchester city

77. Learning Karate

Complete control of mind and matter
Concentration, manipulation
Movements swift, deadly, graceful
Applying oneself with dedication
Martial arts, an ancient skill
Of mind and body in unison
Learning steps, attack and defense
Treating opponents with respect
Gaining skill from yellow to black
Of how to fall, parry, and block
Martial arts, an ancient skill
Of body and mind in unison

66. Face Jumping

The ancient sport of face-jumping
Involved a skill unknown
A jump onto a partner's face
With ne'er a crack of bone
Tom McSmee, a champion,
In several tests of skill
Could jump into a barrel of eggs
And never crack a shell
This sport was later outlawed
Permits were refused
When competitors took to wearing
Modern spikes upon their shoes
Did I get that right, boy, or not?

100. Barry John

Barry John was the king of Rugby Union
He was fast and agile and extremely good-looking
All you'd see would be a flash of red
Wales were best, 'cause he used his head
And knew exactly when to stop
And he retired when he was on top
Barry is my cousin, twice removed
And that's not easy to disprove
I talk about it when I go out
When people don't listen, then I start to shout
"Barry John is related to me!
Look!
Barry John is related to me!
Alright!
Not by blood, but still related to me!
Listen!
This is very important to me!"
Woah! Woah...
My friends don't mind if this is true
Because they are all Barry's cousins too

62. Hopscotch

They call it hopscotch!
Now this is where it all begins
A piece of chalk and a boot-polish tin
Hit the streets, no time to wait
Draw them squares out, 1 to 8
Hopscotch!
Throw that tin and hop along
And now you're ready to sing the song
I said a-hopscotch a-hoppety-hop
Keep on hopping, no time to stop
It's called hopscotch!
Th-th-th-they call it hopscotch!

22. Brian

It's all about getting the ball in the back of the net, Brian
I'm as sick as a parrot, Brian
I'm over the moon, Brian
Well, I think the lads were well worth a point, Brian
At the end of the day, Brian
It was a game of two halves, Brian

101. Running Order

When you ran 'round the block
And you thought you were going to die
You said you'd never run again
And then you had another try
And you felt a little better
'Cause above all else
You know that no-one made you do it
You decided for yourself
And it gave you time to think
And a chance to unwind
You thought by going out running
You had wisely spent your time
For whilst the only aim at work
Was your take-home pay
Running meant you'd done
Something useful with your day
And you found your weaknesses
And tested your strengths
And above all else
You decided for yourself
Is it alright like that?